work environment ending it

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2013
work environment ending it
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 2:18pm

How to get over being in love with someone
18 hours ago

Its been a little over 2 months since the affair has ended. I work side by side with him. He went on vacation near the end of August. He came back after Labor Day weekend. I sensed things changed, but I wasn’t sure how. When he came back, he decided to end the affair right then and there. It was immediately cold turkey.  The kissing, the flirting, the hugging, the late night talking all the time  completely gone. It was like he left me on the side of the road to die. I didn’t understand. I tried to talk to him, but all he gave me was he was tired of seeing me sad and me getting back because he wasn’t able to be there. He was tired of the constant agony of wanting to be with me when he was with his wife. He was tired of putting me and his wife through pain. He couldn’t make up his mind of who he wanted to be with. But since then, things have gotten worse before they started looking better. I am able to work with him civilly, but there are times when I still want to lash out at him.  Yes, I see him everyday, but I miss him kissing me, him comforting me when I am having a bad day. We are able to talk, but I can’t seem to let go. We told each other that we were in love with each other and we kissed. We never had sex, but we had more of an emotional affair. He told me no matter what happens that he would always love me. I am not crying as much. The anger is gone. He said he buried his feelings for me to focus on his marriage to make it work. He loves his wife and he can’t see ever losing her. The only reason why he would ever get a divorce is that because the relationship isn’t working.

Then, the other day I come to find out that there are problems in the marriage. From someone that currently works with me, knows about our affair, and know him and his wife outside of work that the wife is a drama queen, gets upset up about everything. But, he is bullheaded and not willing to compromise in situations. The wife wants to go to marriage counseling, but the husband doesn’t.

I can’t seem to get over him, to burry my feelings for him. It is hard to see him everyday not being able to be how we were. But, how can someone who says they are in love with a person can just burry their feelings for someone. I know you can be in love with two people at the same time. I drive home everyday crying because I miss him. I have so many positive things going for me, but I would love to be able to share all these things with him. Am I too hard on myself for wanting to be over this guy that I am in love with in 2 months? I realize that things take time, but I have never taken this long to get over someone.

The affair started June 9th. It ended August 9th after I realized that he would never leave his wife for me and trying to make a marriage work while having an affair would prolong things and things would never go anywhere. The affair has been going on for almost 5 months coming up Nov 9th. I am still very much in love with him and want to be with him. Its been a difficult journey accepting that the affair is over. I have gone to therapy, had support from friends, wrote in my journal, etc. I got a part time job for the weekends, I run a support group, learning new activities. I am tired of feeling sad and wanting to be with someone that clearly doesn’t want to be with him. I am not sure if I should find someplace else to work. I love my job and I like what I do, but its difficult to see him everyday. I realize I don’t know what the future holds, but I wish we could just  be together or at least not have these feelings for someone that doesn’t seem to love me anymore.

any advice would be helpful

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 12:48am

I'm sensing that you're very young and inexperienced.  Married men who get involved with another woman ALWAYS tell them that they love them, will always be there for them, etc.  If he was honest and said it was just a "fling" then you wouldn't have bothered with him.  He said he loves his they usually do.  If he truly loved you, he would have left her and been with you, but he didn't do that.  Now you have someone telling you the wife is a drama queen.  That person should mind their own business!  If she's a drama queen, then that's the husbands problem to deal with, and as you said, he's bullheaded, he's not willing to compromise,  and he's not going to go to counseling with her.

Look at it this way......why would you want to be with a man who is bullheaded, and won't ever compromise?  Why would you want to be with a man who says he loves his wife, but he cheats on her?  Also remember that if they cheat WITH you they will have no problems cheating ON you!  So even if you got him, you'd never trust him!!! 

If working beside him bothers you that much, then look for another job.  This is why workplace romances are not good, and are even forbidden in some companies........because when it doesn't work out, it's awkward for everyone.   As far as the feelings go, just realize that it never should have started in the first place, and in many ways, he used you, he didn't "love" you.  When you find the right man, you'll look back at this time and realize it wasn't love......

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 10-30-2013 - 10:05pm

 This is a time to look to your career and making money.  I can't tell if you are young and/or inexperienced.  But just think it over and move on.  It will take time to learn how to control your emotions.  But learning this lesson is very important.