Working on it with H but can't get past S-E-X

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2012
Working on it with H but can't get past S-E-X
16
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 4:41pm
Some of you may have seen me on other boards but I ended my A (which I now know was definitely an "exit affair" because I already had one foot out the door before I even met AP) to give it an honest last try with H. Therapy is helping both of us a tremendous amount and I am actually OK emotionally with ending the AP. It's the sex.... H & I have had an active but (for me) very unsatisfying sex life for most of our marriage. I was resigned to it. Then I met AP and saw God. At least I did in bed which was 95% of our relationship. that is the one thing I just cannot get around. I simply don't have strong feelings for him that way anymore but just the thought of my exAP makes me.....well let's just say I find it hard to think about anything else. Has anyone ever been in this situation and been able to find satisfaction in their marriage bed again? I just can't live knowing I'm capable of amazing and satisfying sex but never having it again. So depressing :-(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Solo That is the one thing I think I think about the alot. That i will never have that amazing sex again. I was married 22 years...didn't even really know it could be that way. I don't have any advice, im not as wise as the women on here...but I totally understand. It's kinda embarrassing. Should it matter that much? My girlfriends here where I live says, yes...it matters. Once you have sex like that, you will always want it that way. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011

Hey Solo.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Solo, I'm so sorry for not remembering this, but did you have a d-day?

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2012
Yes…….a few months ago and pretty soon after it started. Maybe 8 or 10 weeks in. At the time I was actually attempting to end the A because I could not sustain the craziness and knew that what really needed to happen was that I had to address my M. Unfortunately his reaction sent me running right back to AP (NOT blaming here - it's just what happened).
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Hi Sky - love the name change, it suits you. :)

So I read more of your story elsewhere...and man...you've got some obstacles to overcome, huh.

I'm not even sure I have any real advice to give you, because there were so many things going on in your marriage. To say to you "oh yes, it'll come back, work on the intimacy side and it'll all be great!" could be true...but I think in your case, it'll take a bit more than that, won't it.

I'm happy to read that you're in therapy, for yourself, and also doing the MC thing, and from the sounds of it, your DH does seem to be onboard with the program, so that's encouraging.

But, as Lulu pointed out - the more emotionally connected you are, the better things are in the bedroom. And it sounds like you and your DH have some things to work through before you'll really be able to get to that emotionally connected place. Your anger, his addiction, the disconnect that has existed in you and in your marriage in terms of the surface image versus what was really going on - getting through those things will take a lot of time, and a lot of effort on both your parts. And I do think that working through all of those things together will do a lot to help restore the emotional connection. Acting as a team, facing things together, those things can help you bond strongly with each other.

And then...on the other hand...sex and intimacy can be a way to sort of jump-start that team feeling, and the bonding, if it is good, healthy sex, and not an obligation, or a way to punish, or as some sort of penance.

Sigh. So I guess for you...the only real advice I can offer you is to continue being honest with your husband. It sounds like you are doing that - and I think that if you continue to do so, that will be a good thing. Honesty is better than resentment, for sure. :)

And you know, listen to your inner voice, Sky. It sounds as though you forgot how to do that, so relearning that will likely help with a lot of things.

Big hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2012
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 10:12pm
Yeah Kim……I'm rushing that whole part I think. Our (me & H) problems are pretty entrenched as I'm FINALLY done with OM and now facing the truth of what I am dealing with. I've known it deep down and OM was an easy way of avoiding this. It's like I dug myself out of the pit that was my A and know I'm looking at the chasm that's my M. Ugh……I almost miss the days of obsessing about OM. I don't even care about him anymore. But at least I KNEW what I needed to do there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011

I just discovered this post - I am in a really bad place with sex at home. It is getting worse and worse for me. My H and I are working at our relationship but I still feel like I am hiding so much. Thoughts of someone else, and lack of attraction. My H is very much attracted to me as ever and even more so at 5 mos pregnant! But, I cannot endure sex with him. 'Endure' - a terrible way to describe my own marriage bed.

It was never THIS bad - I mean, it wasn't mind-blowing sex and I rarely seeked it out, but I tolerated it over the years and sometimes semi-enjoyed it, usually focusing on someone else:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011

Hi Miss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011

Thank you - this is very encouraging! I am just so afraid of hurting his feelings. I am afraid that he will ask, "Well were you attracted to HIM" etc etc, although my H would probably never, ever bring it up again or want to ever discuss that man again.

So maybe I am just going to have to confess. We are not in counseling together. I have a therapist I see but it has been several weeks since I've gone in. It is probably time to go back.

I am very, very scared that this topic of discussion - either in a counseling session or not - is going to lead to me re-opening up again about my A and how I am not 100% over it. I don't want to talk about it anymore to the T or my H. He really thinks it is gone and forgotten and will only hurt him to know otherwise.

But I haven't been able to reconnect with him at home. I guess I just have to face the initilal fear of confessing and hope we can start there on working on things - kind of all over again. If I can do a D-Day (I was the one that told him), I can do this I suppose.

Thanks for answering..

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Hi everyone,
I am dealing with this very same issue with my H as well. Last night was horrible. We wanted to be intimate, waited until 11:30pm, and then I had to force myself to perform to an unresponsive H- all the while struggling with thoughts of the intense connection that I experienced with xap #1! My H despises condoms, and he is letting this completely turn him off. I want my tubes tied DESPERATELY - every time I bring it up to H, he says "well, i not sure I agree." or sometimes he will actually say "let's look into it" and then NOTHING happens. My H cannot breathe well out of his nose, so kissing is never intense and does nothing for my levels of endorphins. Xap #1 kissed me and it sent me soaring. He had the most amazing lips. I have just tried to convince myself that I can never be kissed like that again. :( I have been very honest with H about when I struggle and we have been moving in a forward direction since D-Day, but the sex is still such a struggle for me. I don't think H would go to sex therapy. We have gotten books, but we just don't make the time to read.

I'm in a really bad place right now...struggling with so many thoughts that I know should not be focused on. :(

Hearts <3

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