wow, almost a year. i found my old journal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
wow, almost a year. i found my old journal
4
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 11:36am

This time last year I was in one of the most miserable periods of my life. I was in between 'dates' or whatever I could call seeing xAP. It was right after I had been to his home for the first time and things went farther than they had to that point. And when he told me he would do his best but that his GF's mother was coming to visit for 2 weeks and he'd be unavailable on Mondays (the day that we were able to use to meet up). But that the 'good news' was that he'd be available evenings (if I could get away) because she'd be with her mom... and not with him (they did not live together).

Oh, I was excited and hopeful. The mother was coming and he was seeing it as a way to see me at night! He told me not to worry... he'd be in touch, and all of this. Well, it was 2 months before I saw him again after that. There were no evening dates. He was the one who, when together, would succumb to the A-fog and the chemistry and, as I saw it, 'melt' again. But in between visits, he was very strong - very able to maintain little contact and try again to stay apart (he tried to end it from the very beginning and I was very persistent...ugh).

I found a journal I had kept from last April when I was really so so miserable, missing him, waiting for him to 'come back'...I wrote about my T sessions and how things were at home; I think the T is who asked me to keep the journal. Oh the resentment toward my H that I was reading in those pages and how much worse off we were doing then!

Reading those pages brought back a lot of hurt. Writing about it now brings tears. I have since shredded the journal...

When I finally did see him again, in May 2011, it was after weeks of limited contact, a few lengthy conversations (phone) about how we just couldn't maintain this secondary relationship, and finally a very heartbreaking (for me) email from him about our tragic case of bad timing, and maybe he should have told me sooner how he felt when timing was 'sort of' better, etc etc. It was intended to be a goodbye email.

And, once again as I had for months, i didn't accept it. I finally lured him in again. My H was out of town and I begged (literally) for him to come by and just talk to me. To my home!!! He resisted all day, emailing back and forth and being 'firm' - then I sensed him 'cracking' in his notes... he was giving in again... we agreed to talk on the phone instead... once we were on the phone, it was a matter of moments before he said Ok, I am coming up there to talk to you.

What a night that was. To see HIM standing at MY door? A fantasy come true. He stayed a few hours...at first we tried to sit on opposite ends of my couch and ust talk about everything. It quickly turned physical because, well, we just couldn't be separated in the same room. When he left, I will never forget his hug and how I said to him, Well once again, I don't know if and when I will see you again. How he said Don't worry... see, we always do, like this time, and we will.

The next time was the last time, one week later, and it was really just conversation. In public, where we would not run the risk of physical temptation and would actually have to TALK as we were supposed to, the week before. And we talked. And talked. And said goodbye.

It was awful when he finally left. I just got in my car and sat there and cried, I could not drive away. I was waiting for him to come back maybe. My g0d the tears are pouring as I write this.

I don't even know where I intended to go with this post. I started to write because lately I have had this feeling of sadness, as the year since ending approaches, a feeling of letting go but that it is bittersweet to actually feel him leaving my system. I am feeling every emotion. And a whole year - makes it so final. I miss him. who he was to me for so long. Even much before the A. Yes, I still want him to write me. I stll want to hear from him, as bad as that would be and as fortunate as I am that he mantains NC. I say HE maintains it because he has been the one who has ignored me since September and given me the gift of silence.

So maybe the moral of my post is that...NC has been my savior. I credit him. And I envy him! He did not fall victim to the A-world for very long. He kept his reason and sanity and logic from the start...I don't fault him for the involvement he did have with me, we are human. And I think he suffered too for a while there. Doing what he did with me was against everything he ever learned and practiced in his career and I know he was troubled over it. And I didn't want to be a toxin in his life, which I pretty much was.

Thank you for letting me be here and having a place to tell stories and get it out. The encouragement I've received here has been invaluable and I bet if I were not here writing this out, I might be writing something out to him.

xoxo Miss

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 4:28pm
Thanks for this post. As a newbie it really enforces what a powerful tool NC is, the only way to get through this.
I too have journalled for about 6 months. Just getting my thoughts out. I see how sad I have been in the past 6 months, it gives me the strength to get through this. I hope one day too I can burn them all and put that part of my life behind me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 4:29pm
Oh and well done for the one year mark!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 6:08pm
Thank you titchy! And NC - it really is a very powerful tool indeed. The only one with guaranteed results, that's for sure! I fully admit I was unable to maintain it, and am grateful that he was. His lack of responses to my attempts after a while took away my 'rewards' for contacting him, and then it was just a learned behavior to not do it. Without a reward, there was no sense in sending messages.

In a way, I am not sure it was a great idea to shred the journal because it serves as a reminder of how clouded I was about everything. And it was permanent destruction. But in another way, I just wanted to get rid of that physical evidence. Because I doubt I will forget, and I don't need any reminders lying around!
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 9:51pm
Aww, Miss.

I am sure that it was hard to read your journal from a year ago, and to relive all of the emotions that you were going through then. I bet it stirred up all sorts of stuff for you - and I'm sorry that you were sad.

But man...look at you. No really - look at you now. You have come SO far since that time - and even when it is hard and it hurts - you aren't shying away from it or hiding from it. Instead you come here, and you post and you share and you put it out there so others can share your struggles, and learn from your journey.

As the actual date of the full year approaches, you will be sad. It IS a milestone - it is the first real big one that comes, and there will be all sorts of emotions and mixed feelings. That is totally, totally natural - and I know that you've seen others here go through some of the same process (Lulu spring to mind, but I know there are others, too).

The firsts are always the toughest. But then they pass, and you continue moving forward and doing the best that you can do every day, and it gets better again.

Thank you, Miss. For being you - and for sharing that with all of us.

Hugs,

Kim