wow, almost a year. i found my old journal
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|Mon, 03-26-2012 - 11:36am|
This time last year I was in one of the most miserable periods of my life. I was in between 'dates' or whatever I could call seeing xAP. It was right after I had been to his home for the first time and things went farther than they had to that point. And when he told me he would do his best but that his GF's mother was coming to visit for 2 weeks and he'd be unavailable on Mondays (the day that we were able to use to meet up). But that the 'good news' was that he'd be available evenings (if I could get away) because she'd be with her mom... and not with him (they did not live together).
Oh, I was excited and hopeful. The mother was coming and he was seeing it as a way to see me at night! He told me not to worry... he'd be in touch, and all of this. Well, it was 2 months before I saw him again after that. There were no evening dates. He was the one who, when together, would succumb to the A-fog and the chemistry and, as I saw it, 'melt' again. But in between visits, he was very strong - very able to maintain little contact and try again to stay apart (he tried to end it from the very beginning and I was very persistent...ugh).
I found a journal I had kept from last April when I was really so so miserable, missing him, waiting for him to 'come back'...I wrote about my T sessions and how things were at home; I think the T is who asked me to keep the journal. Oh the resentment toward my H that I was reading in those pages and how much worse off we were doing then!
Reading those pages brought back a lot of hurt. Writing about it now brings tears. I have since shredded the journal...
When I finally did see him again, in May 2011, it was after weeks of limited contact, a few lengthy conversations (phone) about how we just couldn't maintain this secondary relationship, and finally a very heartbreaking (for me) email from him about our tragic case of bad timing, and maybe he should have told me sooner how he felt when timing was 'sort of' better, etc etc. It was intended to be a goodbye email.
And, once again as I had for months, i didn't accept it. I finally lured him in again. My H was out of town and I begged (literally) for him to come by and just talk to me. To my home!!! He resisted all day, emailing back and forth and being 'firm' - then I sensed him 'cracking' in his notes... he was giving in again... we agreed to talk on the phone instead... once we were on the phone, it was a matter of moments before he said Ok, I am coming up there to talk to you.
What a night that was. To see HIM standing at MY door? A fantasy come true. He stayed a few hours...at first we tried to sit on opposite ends of my couch and ust talk about everything. It quickly turned physical because, well, we just couldn't be separated in the same room. When he left, I will never forget his hug and how I said to him, Well once again, I don't know if and when I will see you again. How he said Don't worry... see, we always do, like this time, and we will.
The next time was the last time, one week later, and it was really just conversation. In public, where we would not run the risk of physical temptation and would actually have to TALK as we were supposed to, the week before. And we talked. And talked. And said goodbye.
It was awful when he finally left. I just got in my car and sat there and cried, I could not drive away. I was waiting for him to come back maybe. My g0d the tears are pouring as I write this.
I don't even know where I intended to go with this post. I started to write because lately I have had this feeling of sadness, as the year since ending approaches, a feeling of letting go but that it is bittersweet to actually feel him leaving my system. I am feeling every emotion. And a whole year - makes it so final. I miss him. who he was to me for so long. Even much before the A. Yes, I still want him to write me. I stll want to hear from him, as bad as that would be and as fortunate as I am that he mantains NC. I say HE maintains it because he has been the one who has ignored me since September and given me the gift of silence.
So maybe the moral of my post is that...NC has been my savior. I credit him. And I envy him! He did not fall victim to the A-world for very long. He kept his reason and sanity and logic from the start...I don't fault him for the involvement he did have with me, we are human. And I think he suffered too for a while there. Doing what he did with me was against everything he ever learned and practiced in his career and I know he was troubled over it. And I didn't want to be a toxin in his life, which I pretty much was.
Thank you for letting me be here and having a place to tell stories and get it out. The encouragement I've received here has been invaluable and I bet if I were not here writing this out, I might be writing something out to him.