12 yr relationship/now sleeping w/his older brother

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
12 yr relationship/now sleeping w/his older brother
7
Thu, 09-05-2013 - 11:08pm

Very Long story short:  The 3 of us are in our late 40's/late 50's.  None of us are married or have kids.  I have been living with BF for 12 yrs and have been loving, faithful, supportive, working, financially secure, take care of the house 100%, never pushed him away or told him No.  Have loved him dearly, taken care of him, and have tried to convince him I Am The One and that he wants to marry me, to no avail.  He has rejected me sexually for 10 yrs and still refuses to marry me or do anything to protect me financially in case of disaster.  Yet I know he cares about me and we do have good times and share a comfortable life.  Due to certain circumstances Older Brother and I have become close friends over the last year, and over the last several months have become "involved."  Although it is fantastic and you could power a small city with the energy generated when we are together, and in so many ways we are a perfect match, it is emotionally difficult for both of us, because we both love Younger Brother, but at the same time because of the situation we both feel justified.  Being with Older Brother is fantastic and I have fallen in love with him.  (Again, there is no wife or kids involved)  I still love Younger Brother though, and the life we have built over 12 yrs even though we are more like roommates. It would be excruciatingly difficult to leave.  Obviously this is complicated.  The whole thing  has been working OK for the last few months but I am confused as to which direction I should take, and how long can we sustain this?  What do you all think?  What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Why would you feel that you could convince this guy to marry you after 10 years of him refusing, and why would you even WANT to?  There isn't even an intimate relationship!  It's more like he's YOUR brother, and you love him like a brother.  He doesn't want you.........so why not just tell him that his brother DOES want you, and that you're in a relationship with his brother.......because HE doesn't want a relationship with you.  He loses......and if you and the brother are happy together.........then so be it.  You're all adults, and it's very childish to be sneaking around the way you are.  Be honest, do what you want to do.......and if he doesn't like it......too bad.  He knows where the door is, doesn't he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

"Because of the situation we feel justified."  I don't get this at all.  People can always think up justifications for their affairs but they are typically wrong.  Since your BF doesn't seem to want to have sex with you & doesn't want to marry you (and if he hasn't agreed in 10 yrs, it's unlikely he's gonig to now), the right thing to do would be to break up with him, wait til you aren't living together and then you will be free to have a relationship w/ his brother.  If your BF finds out the 2 of you are sneaking around behind his back, how do you think he will feel then?  He'll probably never want to speak to either of you--so much for loving him.  You aren't married so you are free to move out whenever you want (or ask him to move out) without any legal issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2013
live your life according to the word of god live by his word
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  When I read you post I was struck by the phase:"rejected me sexually for 10 yrs and still refuses to marry me or do anything to protect me financially in case of disaster"    Then" never pushed him away or told him No" but From that it reads that you are having sex but it is on his request not yours.

   Are you saying that you are not working?   Are you feeling financially insecure?  There are issues here that need airing.   How long an this be sustained?  Who knows but what are your priories?  Is it financial, Is it sexual.  Is it fear of aging?  What do you want out of life?   When you mention being like roommates that does happen a lot.    It may help to have a life counselor to help you.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998

    Thank you all for your replies, there is some good advice there.  Of course, there is more to the story, which makes things a bit more complicated than "just do it."  Problem #1 is that Older Brother is the full time in-home caregiver for their 93 yr old father.  Father, who is still very sharp, does not know and we don't want him to, although I think he suspects.   Problem #2 is that I have been financially dependent on Younger Brother for most of the 12 years we have been together, we live in his very nice home and nothing is in my name. Although I have always worked, (I have had a job since I was 16)  I never made enough to support myself until 18 months ago I got a  decent  job and can now support myself but at the same time I really love where we live, we have  a wonderful home that is 10 minutes from my job.  We are close to all our neighbors and I love them all.  I know it's just a "place"  and I can make new friends but I have never lived anywhere so nice and comfortable in my whole life and I hate to give it up for some crappy apartment on the bad side of town, where I will have to scrape by and commute.  (sounds shallow I know but let's be realistic, I am almost 50 yrs old)  Not only that I do still love Younger Brother and in so many ways he is my best friend (and he says it is mutual.)   I have asked myself how long this can be sustained and I don't know.  It could become all encompassing or it could fizzle out.  It could just go on as it is for years.  But then Father can't live forever either.  Who knows.  So often it seems like Younger Brother knows and doesn't even care, it's like he's just happy the heat's off him to commit and be intimate with me.  He makes hints and comments quite frequently about me and Older Brother, not in a mean way, sort of in a joking and resigned kind of attitude.  But yet he does not want to lose his best friend and roommate who has always paid him rent the whole 12 years.  ( I don't live here for free.)   So, it is actually more complicated than it looks on the surface, I know. 

Avatar for malarkeymarie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
Move out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002

<p>This may be a crazy question, but could you approach the Father for advice?</p>