About My Affair...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2011
About My Affair...
6
Wed, 01-15-2014 - 12:42pm
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 01-15-2014 - 1:08pm

  An affair(s) are not supposed to lead any where but a relief from the dullness of existance.   Many women in this culture  are not able to deal with the duality.  What you have are sexual friendships that is all that they are.  The popular culture programs people into thinking this is "the one".  When in reality there are the many.

   You have many options.  The marriage is Meh.  Your emotional and sexual needs are not being met nor are likely to be met.  You can continue with having lovers.  You can open up the marriage.  You can end the marriage.  In time you will have to make a decision. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2011
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 7:40am

Thanks for the feedback. I know that things in my marriage are not likely to improve anytime soon. My husband is who he is and he likes what he likes. I can't force him to give me what I need. Therefore I have settled on the fact that I will not be able to change certain aspect of our life together and he is unwilling to explore. Having an affair was never my intent but my husband and I have tried everything again to no avail. There are children involved so ending the marriage right not is not an option for me. As far as my affair(s) are concern, I have to end things with Guy #1. I have put it off for far to long. Itshould have ended it months ago. Thanks again.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 10:10am

Obviously you need to end it with AP #1.  If you can't even talk to the guy, what's the point? If it's not that great anyway and he's looking on the side too, I honestly doubt you're going to break his heart. 

I do question whether what you really want is an affair at all.  The things you mention with AP#2 sound like the things that make up a real marriage.  Have you and your H gone to marriage counseling?  If you have, and neither of you really wants to change for the other, then you should seriously consider ending the marriage.  It's not going to improve when there are no more kids at home, and you both are wasting your lives.  I am not one who thinks that everyone who strays needs to end their marriage and then find a "legitimate" relationship, but it sounds like that's actually what you want.  Maybe you need to figure out how to actually do that instead of assuming you can't.

Note that that doesn't mean you will necessarily end up with AP#2.  But you might end up with someone wonderful.  Or if not, then you would realize that you're responsible for your own happiness, something your H cannot seem to give you.  Yes, other people CAN make you happy, but your H doesn't seem to be able to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 12:00am

The fact that there are children in this mess is all the more reason for you to stop what you're doing, end your marriage if that's the only option, and give your children a happy home.  Man #1 isn't suffering.......if he's not communicating with you, he's busy with other women........"love" is nothing more than a word......a word that women fall for every time. (Been there, done that!) A man who doesn't respect marriage is certainly not going to respect an affair.  The same goes for #2........it's not love or "interest".......it's all about sex.  Some men are a little smarter and realize that to keep a woman coming back he'll have to show some interest in her life.  You need to fix your marriage or end it......then you can look for a man that will want you for more than just a quickie now and then.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 2:30am

  I am not so certain the ending is the appropreate answer.  It is cheaper in many ways not to get causght up in finding "he One" if arraingements can be made.  Sometimes everyone is happier that way.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2014
Fri, 03-07-2014 - 9:56am

We sound like twins....

I wish I had advice for you because I have the same questions.