alert! this could get long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2013
alert! this could get long!
Thu, 07-04-2013 - 6:43pm

I will try and keep this short, but no promises. 4 months ago I told my husband I wanted a divorce. We have been together 16 years, married for 12 and have 3 children ages 18 12 and 11. The reason is that I haven't been happy for a long time and I realized that he couldn't be the one to make me happy. I also decided that I was interested in someone else who's also married (more on that later). So for the first month he really tried...really, then things went back to normal as expected. I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore...he feels like a best friend, but I want my freedom and I know it will crush him. Our deadline for making any final decisions is looming in the near future. Meanwhile, I started an affair with a married man a few months ago (I work with him) and all of a sudden over the last couple days I haven't heard from him. I have no idea what's going on there but my life in all these weird pieces is really screwing with my mind. Why the silence all of a sudden? No arguments or anything. I did decide that if I could have this affair then it obviously was the end of the marriage. I don't work this way as a rule...the cheating that is. Now I'm all confused..anyone been here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2013
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 6:09pm
What strikes me is that you seem to KNOW you want a divorce, and there doesn't seem to be much that your husband can do to change your mind. Why not just follow through with that, and get the divorce. The affair, whether it continues or not, was initiated AFTER you knew you did not want to be married anymore. If your AP hasn't come to the same conclusion about his own marriage, that could explain the lack of communication now -- W is suspicious, he's having second thoughts, etc. I say you focus on what you know you want, and that's a divorce. Spare your DH and children the heartache of perhaps finding out about the affair before the divorce is final.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 07-11-2013 - 11:55am

Don't be suprised about abrupt changes in behavior from your affair partner. What you see so often on these boards, is the person thinks it is love between the two of them, only to find their AP suddenly drops them like a hot potato when the going gets tough, or when they get bored with them, etc. It is because their AP does not really look upon them as any more than a romp in the hay. Remember the guy is cheating on his W so why would he give a second thought to kicking you to the curb.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 07-10-2013 - 1:35pm

Frankly I had a hard time understanding what you wrote - or even what "here" means when you ask "Has anyone been here?"  Does "here" mean at the end of a marriage, waiting to end a marriage, having an affair with a coworker, or having a partner be unresponsive?

You might get some answers on the My Affair Support board.