Can it come back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2014
Can it come back?
6
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 11:42am

Long after DD, no remaining love for X-AP. Yet I can still not feel affection for my husband. I realize that he hurt me, I realize  that I used that hurt to justify my affair. After DD I felt the crushing weight of hurting my husband, I felt guilt and shame. I looked at my affair with clear eyes and saw the who, what and whys. My real question is, do you feel my love for my husband can return? I care about him, but he doesn't meet my love language. He wants to stay together and is severely co-dependant on me. Can I ever love him again or did I mess that up completely when I let another man in? 

I would like to hear hear if anyone ever recaptured that love, after an affair or did you just go back to what was comfortable? Did your guilt keep you in your marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 8:40pm

Not knowing any details, I venture to say your love for your DH has probably been gone (or at least on shaky ground) before the affair, or you would not have the affair in the first place.  Also, it is rather difficult for a normal woman to love a "serverely co-dependant" man.  Most woman want a man as a husband, not a child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 12:25am

I agree with the other poster.  If you really loved your husband, you wouldn't have had an affair.  If he's "severely co-dependent", then it's a bad relationship to start with.  If he agrees to go to counseling, and he can change his ways, maybe things can work out.  Guilt is a waste of time and energy!  You made a mistake, you ended it, it's over, and life will go on.  There's no point in beating yourself up, which is what guilt is......self flagellation!  If you feel that your husband isn't going to change, then you need to move on with your life.  Get a divorce, and start your life over.  You don't need to feel guilty about divorcing him, either.  Your marriage was a mistake, at least for you, and you need to correct the mistake.  He will find someone else to be co-dependent on.  There comes a time when you have to think of yourself and NO ONE else.  If making him happy makes you UNhappy, then it's time to end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 12:25am

I agree with the other poster.  If you really loved your husband, you wouldn't have had an affair.  If he's "severely co-dependent", then it's a bad relationship to start with.  If he agrees to go to counseling, and he can change his ways, maybe things can work out.  Guilt is a waste of time and energy!  You made a mistake, you ended it, it's over, and life will go on.  There's no point in beating yourself up, which is what guilt is......self flagellation!  If you feel that your husband isn't going to change, then you need to move on with your life.  Get a divorce, and start your life over.  You don't need to feel guilty about divorcing him, either.  Your marriage was a mistake, at least for you, and you need to correct the mistake.  He will find someone else to be co-dependent on.  There comes a time when you have to think of yourself and NO ONE else.  If making him happy makes you UNhappy, then it's time to end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 7:45am

Fissatore, everything so easy in your world isn't it? You think you know it all better than anyone else, have seen and done more than anyone else but you really don't and haven't.

'.. If you really loved your husband, you wouldn't have had an affair'

This is such utter nonsense.

Along the same lines with 'of course you can fall madly in love with your husband of 10-20-30 years again. Just  have a fun weekend away with some  wine and a few new sex tricks'. You didn't say it but many do, and I laugh like mad every time I read similar statements.

That's all I'm going to say.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 05-15-2014 - 2:40pm

Hi Julia, I see you are not new to iVillage, so I am sure you can understand that we will not always agree with other posters.  

There are only a few CL around in iVillage any longer, so I try to help where I can.  

If ever in doubt of whether someone is breaking the TOS, report to CM and ignore.  Rarely it is so ofensive to be removed, so keep the spirit of this board in mind "All Sides of an Affair" versus a defined Support Board.   There is more latitude on All Sides than other boards.  

And when and if you do reply to a poster that you feel is offensive, remember that we want to offer new people a supportive place, not a place where they see posters bickering.  Don't get me wrong.....I get it.  I sent one to the CM and really it wasn't offensive, my feelings were just hurt.  

Just some things to keep in mind, based off my experience.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 3:05pm
I agree with you Juliasuk. I believe that you can love someone although you cheated on them. We are human with many imperfections. We are not perfect and a person can cheat and be remorseful about it and it never happens again. I personally know of a few couples whose marriage is that much stronger after an infidelity. Now if its something you continue to do on an ongoing basis that's a different story.