Chemistry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Chemistry
7
Sun, 02-23-2014 - 10:59pm
A few months ago I began seeing a married woman. She initially told me she wanted to leave her husband but could not afford to financially. She even told him to move out a few times. I work in finance and created a plan whereby she could afford to live on her own with a few sacrifices. Primary she would have to drive a lesser car. She was very thankful and told her husband that she wanted to divorce. After several days, he said that he would make any change necessary to keep her. So she gave him a chance. And I told her I would end our relationship so she could give her marriage every chance to survive. After a couple weeks she reached out to me and let me know she missed me and especially missed the sexual part of our relationship. We have both agreed that our relationship is the best either of us has ever had. So, my question is, should I stay away and let her marriage run it's course? I miss her terribly and also love her enough that I what is best for her. And if that is her husband, so be it. But since she has reached out to me I feel like her heart is not really in it. I am wondering if anyone who has been there can provide some guidance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: rainman913
Sun, 02-23-2014 - 11:52pm

I think it was great of you to help her figure out how she could survive financially without her husband, and she evidently took your advice.  She told him it was over, and as usually happens, the "offending" party will be shocked, and will promise to do better.  She didn't give him much of a chance, if in a few weeks she was contacting you already.  Exactly what WAS the reason she wanted to leave him?  Was he abusing her, or cheating on her, or was she just "tired of him"?  No matter what, a few weeks isn't enough time to give her marriage.  She misses the "chemistry" i.e: the sex.  Sex is always great when it's new.....that's WHY it's great.  Also, the sneaking around makes it more exciting, too.  You two have only been together a few months, and probably not often in those few months.  Neither of you really knows the other at this point.  I think you should tell her to give her husband a LOT more time, and if and when she still wants out, then she should contact you when she's divorced, and you can have a proper relationship.  Besides which, if the divorce does go thru, and her husband finds out about you, there could be problems for both of you.  Sure, the sex is/was great, but that doesn't make a relationship........it's only a part of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
In reply to: rainman913
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 11:27am

Run, Rainman.

Until her divorce is finalized, stay away from this scenario. You do not have a 'relationship' you have an affair and this is a very different thing. No good can come of this. If you do not engage with this woman she will have to make a decision yet if she keeps you as a side dish she can wallow in both worlds indeffinitely. In the meantime you feel you are in love with this damsel in distress and that can only hurt you more as time goes on.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: rainman913
Tue, 02-25-2014 - 1:51am

 These are the scenerios where angels fear to tred.  You are emotionally involved that is not good.  You will be the between lover.  But most likely, she will drop you when she if ever gets a divorce.  I am with the others in saying stay away.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2014
In reply to: rainman913
Thu, 02-27-2014 - 6:24am

Step back from this... big steps back. Thats my advice.  An affair that is based on good sneaky sex may not be the basis for a healthy longterm out in the open relationship. ( Dont know from personal experience, but thats my guess)  What I do know about is divorce and restarting your life afterward and its not a quick process.  Imho, a person of either sex who doesnt leave a relationship until they have the replacement all set up is a big risk for the replacemen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
In reply to: rainman913
Thu, 02-27-2014 - 8:50pm
Thank you all for your wise advice. It's hard to walk away from someone you feel such a strong connection to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2012
In reply to: rainman913
Sat, 03-08-2014 - 9:54pm

You sound like a sweetheart, which is why she can't forget you. I understand the part where not having the person in your life to enjoy on any level is difficult. And above everything, you were being a friend first. I think you can move slowly and see what happens. Being in an affair requires risk management, so I say go for it! Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: rainman913
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 9:48am
Rainman she originally told you that she wanted to leave her husband but could not afford to financially. You came up with a plan which benefited her and it was a way out of her situation. Her H offers to do whatever necessary to keep her and she stays. This means to me that she really doesn't want to leave him. If she did nothing he could of said or did would of made her stay. You gave her an out and she didn't take it. I wouldn't get involved because she doesn't seem to know what she wants. She wants the financial stability of her H and wants the sexual gratification of you. You want her whole heartedly and I'm telling you-you will not get it in return. Walk away now before you get yourself in deeper. I wish you the best Rainman.