Choosing between long-term relationship and new man--how to do it?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Choosing between long-term relationship and new man--how to do it?
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 3:40am
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Regardless of guy #2, the relationship with your BF is full of red flags and I would suggest you to end it while you are still young.  Then you can perhaps think clearly and decide what to do with guy #2.

I think deep down you know you cannot have a life with your BF; the "affair" is perhaps just a sign that you are  1. looking for what is lacking in the current relationship, and 2. hoping to get found out and cause a breakup because you are not determined enough to just end it.

What I don't understand is why people insist on staying in bad relationships.  It is not like you are married, or even living together.  Actually when you found out he had another girlfriend 6 months into your relationship, it was time to break up. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
I am actually a little leary of both your relationships. #1 definitely has red flags and further down the road there maybe even more. If you are dissatisfied now, what is going to change that in the future? Your bf is who he is, you can try to change him but that just won't work only he can truly change himself. He might change on the surface, bit that usually only lasts for a little while and continues to simmer inside, which is a recipe for further disaster.

Guy #2, you didn't give us a whole lot of information, but I take it there has been intimacy as you called it an affair. You don't know if he has a gf. Does he know about your bf? The reason I am a little concerned about this is if intimacy has taken place, things have moved pretty fast and you really don't know him or much about him and moving that in a direction for a relationship now may not work.

Also if you do end with your bf, you need time to grieve that relationship and find balance in your life before investing in a new man.

You are young and have so much to look forward to. You want someone who can fully be in your child's life, not someone who acts immature about your past relationships. Don't stay in a relationship for shared memories and history. You can't live in the past when you have so much of the future to live.

Good luck! I wish you the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I don't know about guy no 2 but I think you should definitely break up w/ no. 1--just because you've had some fun times is no reason to keep hanging on--he's not a good candidate for a long term relationship.  his reaction to your DD's father is childish--so he won't go to a baseball game if the father is there.  What is he going to do if you stayed together?  Not go to her wedding because her dad will be there?  His behavior is ridiculous.  the part about him having a bad temper is also a big problem to me--why would you want to be with someone who has a bad temper & calls you names?  Is that the kind of example you would want to show your DD of what a good relationship is like & how a man should treat her?  When you already have a child, you need to be more careful about what kind of person you are involved with because it affects the child (spoken from someone who was in a 2nd marriage to someone who had a mental illness and a bad temper--I had to divorced him because it was affecting my kids very badly).

I think if you were really happy w/ your BF you wouldn't have started things up w/ the new guy--people who are very happy in their relationships usually don't end up in affairs.  You haven't really said much about him to know if he's long term or just a diversion, but I definitely think you should end it w/ the BF now.