Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2013
Confused
5
Fri, 12-20-2013 - 10:01pm

Hello!  I'm new here, and I guess I need to vent....I didn't know where to post this.

I've been with my SO 4 years.  He has been separated the entire time.  He plans to divorce his wife one day, but he just hasn't yet.  I know he will never go back to his wife.  He and i have a great relationship, and I have a great relationship with his kids.  He loves me, and I love him. I know he will never leave me.  We vacation together, spend holidays together, and stay together often when he does not have his kids.

Now here's my situation, I found out he is talking with at least one other woman.  He says they are just acquaintances, and they met at a business convention.  However, I discovered that they text multiple times a day during the day.  On the days he isn't with me, he is texting her....even at night.  I accidentally discovered that he made a sexual video for her (he was saying her name in the video...not mine).  He told me he has not cheated on me, and I am the one he loves.

Why would someone who loves me so much talk to another woman in a sexual way?  What should I do?  Could this just be a phase that he is going through, and he will overcome it soon?  

Any thoughts or suggestions will be helpful.  Thank you in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: RedCabernet
Sat, 12-21-2013 - 12:15am

How convenient that he won't divorce his wife!  That means he can't marry you......and he's technically a free man at this point.  As a free man, he's "doing his thing"!  He must not be trying hard to hide his games......since you "accidentally found the texts and a sex video.  I've been to business conventions, and you wouldn't believe the "hooking up" that goes on at them. 

You need to sit him down and ask him what his intentions are......and of course, he will continue to say they're just friends.  You need to also draw a line in the sand.  He loses the "friendship" or he loses you.  Don't say it if you don't mean it.  This guy has had plenty of time to get a divorce and marry you IF that's what he wants.....but he's not doing that.  What excuse does he have for not getting the divorce? You've given him 4 years of your life, and he's given you very little in return.   I would say you're being cheated on......so it's up to you whether you choose to believe him, and stay with him.  If you do stay with him, you're not going to trust him......and you'll spend half your life checking up on his phone, computers, etc.  You're wasting your life on him.....for nothing in return. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2013
In reply to: RedCabernet
Sat, 12-21-2013 - 10:25am

His wife had a medical condition develop after he left her.  So, he hasn't gotten the divorce so she can stay on his insurance.  As for me finding the video and texts, he doesn't know I found them.  He had used his phone to take a picture.  I wanted that pic, so I decided to see if it was still on his phone.  That's when I saw the texts and videos. 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: RedCabernet
Sat, 12-21-2013 - 9:44pm

Some say that, even though they had an affair, they still loved their spouse.  And I guess that must have some merit seeing how when push comes to shove, if a wayward spouse is discovered, they don't take that as an opportunity to separate/divorce and go on to forge a relationship with their affair partner...they dump them like a hot potato and work at damage control or grieve the loss of their spouse and family and still don't choose their affair partner.

I, myself, could never do it because I don't think or feel that way and so can't understand how some can...still love while having an affair...when I really love someone, I wouldn't dream of disrespecting or hurting them that way.  So, if my partner was doing what your partner is doing to you, it would totally devastate me and break the bond of trust.  Just the idea that he would disrespect me and stop loving me enough to jeopardize my love for him and our relationship, would be enough for me to leave.  Well, he'd have to do some pretty dang heartfelt damage control for me to even consider staying.  I've always felt that 'if a woman can steal my man away, then she can have him...I no longer want him."  But that's all about me.

I'd sit down and confront him and see where that goes.  Though I can't envision anyway really.  If he says, he will stop and break all contact, I don't know if I would believe that.  I know too much from hanging on the affair boards. Even if it is just a phase, the chemical attraction is a strong pull...and it's not so easy for some to just stop...and there can be a long recovery period.  I guess you'll know by your conversation.

You're not attached to him by marriage and are free to do what is best for you.  

Gee, I don't know if any of this helped.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: RedCabernet
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 12:12am

  From your post, it seems that you have mixed feelings.   What do you want for yourself?  Yes, people can love and desire many people.  Yes you are having fun and enjoying this man.  The post in a way seems to say that you are dissatified in that he may have other lovers.  85% percent of people having a lover do not leave their wife or husband.  The point now it to ascertain what your real want is.  Not what you are supposed to desire but what you,yourself want.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2013
In reply to: RedCabernet
Thu, 01-02-2014 - 11:10pm

The latest....

The holidays were great, and I spent a lot of time with my bf. However, he was supposed to be off of work the entire two weeks of Christmas and New Years. All of the sudden, he announced that he needed to go to work this week.  He said he needed to help with a year-end project. I found out that the lady he met at the business convention was not only in town this week, she was working in his office on the project too.  I may be overthinking, but he has been at his company for ten years.  He knows what is and is not expected of him at year-end.  It just makes me wonder if he chose to go to work when he found out she would be there, just so he could see her.  I don't want to mention this to him because I will sound jealous and that could start a fight.  I also saw her name show up on his personal cell phone this week, as a text.  If it was all business then I think she should only text him on his business cell phone.

Thoughts?