Confused and upset!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Confused and upset!
6
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 2:24am

So here I am writing this in the middle of the night, not knowing what to say or do or how to begin.  I'm the one that everyone else goes to for help. Everyone relies on me and thinks I know everything. Everyone thinks I have all the answers. Clearly, that couldn't be farther from the truth. 
About 6 years ago I met a man. I mean literally just met him, through my child's athletic program. I don't recall thinking anything about him until about 2 years later when our paths crossed again in a similar program. He worked well with my child and was funny and charming with me. I thought nothing of it, but found I began to look forward to bringing my kids to the program. 
This man and I have NOTHING in common, but I really like him very much. After my kids aged out of the program, he visited our family a few times a year and even took a day trip with us. Then about a year ago I had lunch with him without the kids. Then another lunch, and a concert, and a dinner...and so on. There was never anything inappropriate, but it was so much fun being out with someone who wasn't my good, kind, reliable husband. My face literally hurt from smiling and laughing for hours.
In January we went out for an upscale lunch and had a great time. He is such a gentleman! He opens car doors, helps me on with my coat, spoons food onto my plate and hold my arm when we cross a street. In February we went out again. Then, last week we had dinner. I think this is when things all came to a head- for me at least.
He compliments me constantly, tells me I look good, says over and over how much fun we have together. But at last week's dinner he spoke about other things too. He told me personal things about his life and asked about mine. We talked for hours. This man is single. He sees several women and is quite a player, but he never stops saying how much fun we have together and how great I am. 
Another thing: this guy uses the word LOVE  all the time. Now, I work with people who throw this word around easily ("Oh my gosh I LOVE YOU! How did you know I wanted coffee!) but his is about me..."Better stop teasing me or I won't love you anymore"..."I love you anyway" and so on...and frankly, I like it.
Tonight we were on the phone talking. My husband was in the room and has no problem with the fact that I help this guy with a project he has to do at work. All of a sudden I realized I heard a woman in the background and asked him if someone was there. He lied and said no, but later admitted it. I became angry, and I guess my cheery phone voice changed, and he caught on right away. Now I'm truly miserable. We were supposed to have lunch this Saturday and now I fear things will be different/ over/ uncomfortable between us, which saddens me terribly as I want to continue seeing him
Sorry this is so long. I guess the issues here are (1) Is this an emotional affair? I feel like it is.(2) Is my marriage in danger? My husband knows I go out to eat with this guy. He just doesn't know how much fun we have. 3) How you think this guy feels about me and why does he keep in touch when I'm nether young nor beautiful at this point in my life? (4) What does the "I love you" stuff mean? (5)How do I fix what I did on the phone tonight? Disturbingly enough I still want him in my life.. .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 10:42am

When you are more concerned that your male friend might have a GF then the fact that you might be hurting your "good kind reliable husband" then yes, your marriage is in danger.  I think it's probably an EA that could easily turn into a PA if you don't watch out.  You are just enjoying the affection and time you spend with this guy too much.  I think you should wise up and stop spending time alone with him.  For all you know he could be telling 10 other women that he "loves" them--what does that mean anyway?  You have to think about why a single man would bother to tell a married woman that he loves her. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 12:05pm
If you got angry that he had a woman there you're too emotionally involved with him. He is a single guy with no commitment to you, and you're married right? And as for him, I suspect Mr. charming probably throws the L word around to get attention from women more than you think. So unless you want to jeopardize your marriage with this crush you have on this guy, I suggest you stop seeing him alone and reinvest your time and attention into your marriage.
Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 12:44pm

In answer to your questions:  (1) Yes, this is an emotional affair.  (2) Possibly.  (3) He sounds like someone who enjoys having the attention of women. (4)  If he says "I love you" to anyone with whom he's not exclusive, then he likes to bandy the word about so that he can continue to enjoy the attention of many women.  (5)  What do you want to fix, and why?

You're enjoying *his* attention far more than you should if you want to keep your marriage going well. You ask, "is my marriage in danger?"  Well - what do you think?  You're intentionally seeking the solo company of a man you have no legitimate reason to spend time with (e.g a colleague, tennis partner, etc.).  You intentionally hide the tone and content of your meetings with your spouse.  You enjoy hearing "I love you" from someone other than your husband.  So what do YOU think?

I really cannot understand why anyone would risk their marriage for a player.  It boggles the mind.  If you have any doubts about what could happen, go read up on the "Ending an Affair" board or "Betrayed Spouses" board, and ask yourself how much it's really worth it to you to hear "I love you" from a man who isn't your "good, kind, reliable husband."  Ask yourself how much you want a lonely future with someone who is charming and polite and unrelable. 

You might try looking at how *you* behave with this man and seeing if you are being perhaps more charming, polite, and attractive to him than you are to your husband. See what good things *you* are getting from this relationship and try giving them to your husband.  It can only help your marriage.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 7:35pm

  Look re read what you have wrote.  Then think of where the relationship is on the totem ploe ot things and you will have your answer.  And you learned something about your self.  You were living in a bubble of your own making. 

  Yes you have no reason to be jealous.  Your friend has every right to have women over.  Actually as does the H.  He too can have women friends. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Sat, 04-20-2013 - 2:20am

It is a heady and wonderrful experience to look forward to seeing someone that you are attracted to.  To learn about that person, to share so much about yourself with him.  To look for all the things you have in common and find them so exciting.  But the fact that he is having women over means that he sure isn't sitting at home alone pining for you. You have a husband and children that you love and to tear that apart for this man would destroy so many lives.  It may help if you dig a little deeper and find out what this man is really doing and how many partners he is entertaining.  Once you have the facts, you may find that your feelings of excitement turn to anger and betrayal.  We all love the attention and newness of a new relationship, but i might humbly suggest you back away now before you lose all the things in your life that are real and true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 2:06am
Right on point. I love the attention and newness and excitement and already feel the anger and betrayal. I KNOW, intellectually, that what all of you have said is completely true, but I'm having trouble stopping myself from acting like an idiot. A few days ago he made a pass at me and I let a little fooling around occur. I realize I'm not thinking properly because I feel no guilt and still want him in my life...here's the one thing I do understand: I cannot expect other people to be more than who they are, and he is not someone who can really truly give me what I need. I also understand that I am in charge here and could be pulling in the reins on myself but can't. I thank everyone here for taking the time to try to help by writing to me, and I know the difference between right and wrong, but I just want to start thinking rationally again and can't seem to do so...Funny, even while writing this I'm thinking "and even if I was single and available, I wouldn't put up with his crap", yet here I am putting up with it when there's much more at stake...