Contacted husband's old flame

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2013
Contacted husband's old flame
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 6:37pm

So I am in a bit of a quandry.  I am 99% sure my husband had an affair about 5 years ago.  I confronted him then, and even spoke to the woman and HER husband, but nothing was every confirmed.  Her husband said that she admitted it to him, but that she and my husband had decided neither would admit it to me because we have children (they didn't) and he didn't want to risk losing the family.  I think it started out as an emotional affair b/c she lived in a different state, but I know they saw each other on one occasion -- or well she told her husband they did, my husband at the time said they had thought about it, but it never happened.  Anyway, all contact ceased and my husband has been a good ever since -- no complaints.  Not knowing the details, however, has always really bothered me.  Recently, I set up an email account under my husband's name, found this woman's email and pretended to be him.  She wrote back RIGHT away.  She is divorced now -- much happier.  She said that my husband was the love of her life and she doesn't know if she will every find someone again like that.  She proceeded to send a picture of a tattoo she got while on vacation in honor of him -- which included a FULL view of her rear end.  Still pretending to be him, I sort of tried to wrap up the communication b/c I got nervous that she would try and contact him by phone and I didn't want him knowing what I had done.  I also made it seem like he never loved her, but that their relationship happened because our marriage was in a rough spot and that the affair actually strengthened our marriage -- made us realize what we were doing wrong -- taking each other for granted (which it did).  BUT, I still have questions I want to ask her about what actually happened...did he tell her he loved her too?  Why do I even care about this now?  HELP!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 7:03pm

You lied and opened a can of worms, now enjoy the consequences!

If you have a problem with your husband, confront him, not the other woman.  He was the one that took a vow and promised you to forsake others - not her.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 7:11pm

Oh my dear.  Well, you posted in the right place.  Do note that you may get varied replies, as this is board allows both "sides" to post.  Versus "support" on the Betrayed Spouses Board.  If you want support, you may want to post there.  If you want opinions (hopefully along with some support), you will get them here. 

With all of that said, I can totally understand your temptation to do what you did.  However, I would close this e-mail account now and stop immediately.  If you want answers, you will need to talk to your DH.  To be honest, if your M is good now, why dig up the past?  Because really, it often causes more harm than any intendend good.  And how you have your own brand of betrayal going on.  It is one thing stumble on something and read it, another thing to snoop, but another thing entirely impersonating him. 

Not trying to beat you up here.  Just trying to be honest and pound home the insanity.  Don't me wrong, I get it. 

I had a friend who stumbled on something her BF had left open on-line.  So sure, when the message poped up she couldn't help herself.  It reaffirmed everything and he had been seeking on-line relationships.  The difference here is that they then immediately broke up.  You are digging when you said everything is good with your DH.  Would knowing the truth 5 years later really change anything? 

Stop before you cause any more harms.  I don't know that you need to tell your DH anymore than he needs to tell you any more details about 5 years ago.

Good luck and I hope you can find closure another way so you can move forward.  If you start getting other signs of infidelity, then that is a whole other thing.

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 8:13pm

Try to accept that whatever happened between them, its over now and IMO you don't need to know the gory details and have images in your mind. If you cannot get to that point, then see a counselor to help you move on.

Delete the email account and don't try to contact the old flame again. The more that "your husband" communicates with her, the more chance that she'll think he's interested in resuming the connection and she might phone him. If your marriage is going well now then don't stir up trouble where none exists.

Sometimes in life we just don't get to know the answers to things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 8:57pm

Why do you think you care about this now when you say things have been going well & it was some time ago?  Why not let things stay in the past?  So if you found out that your DH said that he loved her, then what?  What you did was very dangerous, esp. since she is now single.  I actually think you should confess to your DH because she might try to contact him by phone.  If he works at the same place, she could always try to track him down there, or Facebook or there are a lot of ways.  So even closing the acct. might not be enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 08-28-2013 - 2:06am

I totally agree with everyone else.  If your husband messed up 5 years ago, and you two worked it out and got thru it, why in the world would you worry what MIGHT have happened 5 years ago.  That in itself is self-defeating!  And now you have opened the proverbial can of worms, and if this woman says he was the love of her life, don't you think that she's thinking that he's still interested?  Even if "he" shut it down, now she's going to feel free to contact him......and then he'll know what you did.  What difference does it make today how he felt about her 5 years ago if he said it's over, and from her reaction it seems like it was!  You'd better prepare your reason for doing what you did because I have a feeling that he'll be hearing from her.  Maybe you'll get lucky and she won't try to start it up again.  Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2013
Wed, 08-28-2013 - 2:56pm

Thank you all for the advice.  I really do appreciate it & you are right.  I supposed I knew this was a TERRIBLE idea all along -- just needed some confirmation (read: kick in the butt).  Account is closed and fingers are crossed that perhaps I have dodged a serious bullet. 


Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Fri, 08-30-2013 - 6:48pm

I can tell you this without hesitation: Whatever feelings your spouse claimed to have for the other woman during his affair are no longer true and might not have been true in the first place.

Affairs are fantasies. Most who have them realize we hit bottom in a personal crisis and that crisis is what brought us to have an affair. Our spouses are NEVER the cause of an affair yet it is easier to blame our behavior on someone else than it is to look within for the source of our need to stray from our marriages. We might even believe we love the person we are cheating with at the time yet it rarely lasts and never remains the same once the affair comes out in to the open. In fact, most of us do not want to lose our spouses at all let alone live a life with the person we are cheating with, yet it does not keep us from claiming the opposite to our cheating partner in order to make the fantasy stronger.

What I want you to know in telling you that is that what happened between your spouse and his cheating parnter no longer applies and I hope you realize that your spouse chose YOU. You apparently chose him back. YOUR relationship is what matters, especially now, five years later. You discovered that the other woman is apparently still so unhappy that she will jump at the chance to rekindle a relationship that ended five years ago and resulted in a divorce, yet the relationship they had together is not real and never was. (You might also be surprised by how many people have seen that tattoo and are told it is for them.)

Do not be like her and live in what you think happened five years ago. Do not risk inviting her in to your life under with this ruse to discover more information. The other woman is not your problem now. Unfortunately, you are your own problem. You and your husband need to find a way to rebuild your relationship. He is doing you no favors by not being forthcoming with information and should answer every question you have to your satisfaction, though I must warn you that some questions are best left unasked, yet he might believe he is sparing you more pain by keeping the truth to himself. Therapy is a good place for these conversations and could also help your husband to open up to you so that you can remove this specter which hangs between you.

Whatever you do, please keep the email account closed. I must emphasize that you do not want to invite her back in to your lives. Avoid her like the virus she is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2001
Mon, 09-02-2013 - 5:59pm
Amen NYmann!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2013
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 6:46pm

Nymann63, thank you so much for the response.  It really was a thoughtful way to describe what happened and how we chose each other at the end of the day.  Beautiful.  FYI, I have kept the account closed and know now that none of what should would/could have said would have made me feel any better about past.  I really appreciate how this outlet has helped and I hope to be able to provide such wisdom to others who made need it some day.  Thanks again. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
Wed, 09-04-2013 - 11:28am

Tasi please check your private messages.