Do I tell???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Do I tell???
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 9:31am

Here's the short version... I met this guy on an on-line dating site about a year and a half ago. Things went great for a few months, and then they weren't so much any more. We broke up, and less than a week later he had a new fling, they were engaged within a matter of months, and have been together since. A few months ago, we got in touch again, and decided that if things didn't work out with him and his new girl, we would meet up and see what happened. 

He began telling me how his GF was mean to him and they always argued, he was unhappy and had thought about leaving her for a while. Just last week, he sent me a message saying he had kicked her out and he wanted to meet up with me as soon as possible. I checked her FB page, and sure enough, she had posted about how her life had fallen apart and she was crushed. 

We made plans to meet, and everything was going very well. Or so I thought. He was telling me how he was sorry he had hurt me, that he had missed me, and he also informed me that he was letting the (now)ex move back in. Not because they were getting back together, but because she had kids and didn't have anywhere to go. He said he felt bad for them and wanted to at least give them a few weeks to get there own place. 

I fell for it. Plain and simple. We spent the night together, as well as the following day. we both promised to put more effort into us and to try again. It only took a day for the messages to stop coming as often as they had before. I was hurt again, and felt like an idiot for letting him get to me and convince me I was special. 

One of my friends, who knew about this whole situation, checked his FB page, and noticed that he was telling his GF that he loved her and was soooo happy to be with her. I am not his friend on FB and could not see these posts, until my friend let me log into her account so I could see for myself. 

I sent him an extremely long message and told him I would give him a day to tell his GF or I would. Now I need to know if I follow through, or if I just let it be. I try and think about what I would want. Yes, it would hurt if I found out my BF was cheating on me, but the sooner I know the faster I can leave. I guess I just need advice. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 10:32am
You really have to do some soul searching to figure out why you want to tell. Is it because you want to make him pay for lying to you? Seeking revenge is never a good thing. You could just see that he is a liar and put him out of your life for good and move on. Hopefully she will find out what kind of man she is dealing with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2006
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 11:48am
I'm honestly just tired of all the lying and cheating. If he did this with me, who knows how many other times he is going to do this to her. I realize he is a jerk, but I also don't want him to get away with playing with peoples lives and emotions. It sucks that I am left to feel alone and hurt, why should he get to just have sun and walk away?
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 2:39pm

In a word NO!  It is none of your business.  I strongly suggest that you have a civilized talk with him.  Many people are conflicted and in the heat of emotions break up then get back together.  That can happen in the space of a few hours to days to month to years.  It is within you to search your feelings and come to grips with who you are as a physical human being.  To learn about yourself. 

  Because he at that exact time may have been telling the truth only to reconnect with her later.  This need not become a power struggle.  But an understanding.  Many use sex to reconnect.  It is not right or wrong but a fact of existence.  Yes, there are your feelings.  Those feelings can be communicated directly to HIM!   Communicating your feelings in a civilized non emotional factual manner will put to him your boundaries and in doing so give you the strength and power to tell him and others what you are about yet being truthful to yourself. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 3:19pm

I'll weigh in and give a big NO to that idea.  Most times the messenger does not get killed, but often times the messenger gets hurts.  

You're already hurt...don't set yourself up for more...and people can get nasty and do mean things...and they might both turn on you.

People's lives unfold as it should when left to their own design.  

Use this is a learning experience.



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 6:14pm

Okay, so you straighten out 1 of the millions of losers like him. Are you going to continue on this mission for the rest of your life and raise an army the size of China to vanquish the rest of them?

Didn't think so.

Look away, walk away and go find your happiness. Hint, it's with men unlike this one but since you were naturally attracted to him at this time in your life, you need to figure out why and what in YOU needs to change.

BTW, this could easily take months or years and being single is a near requirement to accomplish this difficult task.

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 09-19-2012 - 6:04pm

I hate to side with everyone else but yeah..DON'T do it!! I know where you're coming want to hurt him and you also want to make sure that the other girl knows what a slim he has been but you know...whhat goes around comes around and things have a way of working themselves out in the long run.Please try to heal from this.I know it will take time but in the end you will find someone so much better for you then that jerk ever would have been...

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 09-20-2012 - 1:14pm

I would also say, no, do not tell.  You are hurt, and doing so will cause a lot more hurt for you. 

I know it isn't fair for him to have his cake and eat it too.  But right now, the best thing for you to do is walk away.

Good luck!


Shadow Word generated at

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 2:52am

Sweetie, it sounds like you have an online relationship with a man who has barely been in your life physically.  It also sounds like when a girl is "mean" to him, he quickly moves on.  YOU need to move on.  This person is not worth one more entry on your keyboard.  He is an internet loser, praying on kind women such as yourself.