Gave up on Sexless Marriage and all ideas of love until...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2014
Gave up on Sexless Marriage and all ideas of love until...
22
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 9:27pm

So I got to the point in my life where I stopped caring about love, was very excited about my job, so much so that I would actually get an orgasmic feeling about work.  I still love it,  the work is challenging and I'm learning that I am so much more intelligent than I ever thought I was.  The team with the exception of our sometimes mean skip level manager is great!  Everyone shares their knowledge and intelligence with each other so you are constantly changing and growing.

Then a new guy started.  I had talked to him over IM for business purposes but had never met him in person.  Got introduced in the break room and barely looked at him.  Was in a bit of a hurry.  Then he came over to my desk and offered me a clorox wipe for my desk.  He startled me and when I turned around, lord help me I saw how gorgeous he was!  Took me by surprise.  i don't think it showed but damn I thought he is handsome!  then he leaned in close to me, too close,  to discuss something on my computer, made me a little nervous and flattered.

Nothing happens really for several weeks, except each time I ran into him at the office he would have his eyes straight on me, give me this great big smile and stand as close to me as possible.  He even put his hand on my back in a flirtatious way.  Hmmm... Ok. this man is hitting on me.  Last week we were leaving work at the same time so we walked out together. Then we stood talking at the elevator for like 15 to 20 mins.  Then he asked me to go to lunch with him the next week.  That day I texted him on IM and asked if we were still on for lunch and he said and I quote, "Heck Yeah!".  We walked over to Chick Fil A and as I'm getting my order he touches my elbow. Another flirtatious move.  He's smiling confident, and complimentary.  Tells me I look good and don't need to lose weight, that his last girlfriend was tall like me etc.. I'm 5'10" 170 very strong west african genes, solid like Serena Williams. I almost feel like I'm on a date, as he leaves it up to me the woman to decide where we will eat and just all this shit that I need a man to do for me, emotionally. What am I to think of this??  Then the blow comes, he is 17 years younger than me.  Wow, he doesn't look or act like it.  Thought he was mid to early 30's, not 25, geez.  Totally against my principals!  But i can't stop thinking about this man!

I didn't ask for this, I wasn't wanting this, I was ok with no love or friendship.

So the next night I'm online and I see he is online so I text him and we talk for like 30 mins.  He tells me that he could tell that I am a strong woman and all kinds of nice stuff like that. Also says he has always gotten along better with older people, and feels like he is 40. Then he says and I quote "Sometimes I feel like days pass by without significance. Work significance yes, feeling alive significance no."  I didn't really respond to that i guess i should have, what did he mean?  What was he trying to open up to me?  I was scared to ask too much, to take up his time, to assume that "we like each other".  I never mentioned I was married, but he did tell me he had a girlfriend.  I guess maybe he must have found out that I am because I had asked him if he wanted to take a break the next day with me and he said yes. But he never texted me to ask.  I was afraid to be pushy to make the next move again.  So far i haven't had to do any work he gives me everything i ever wanted in a date, a man, a potential relationship.  I don't want to over assume that his kind words and flirtatious moves are him wanting me, I am telling myself that it is just part of his personality.  But I'm 42 years old, i know when a man is hitting on me!  Now i think he may have re-thought the idea of doing anything with me, I mean I put it out of my head because of the professional aspect and the fact that I don't want to jeopardize either of our reputations.  


My 14 year marriage is over.  it has been sexless since day 1 but somehow 2 boys came out of it and that is the ONLY REASON i am still in it.  We have not had sex in 7 years.  And I don't plan on ever having sex with him again. We are roommate, parents raising our kids together and that is it.


Should I just leave this young man alone?  I'm feeling weirdly rejected, but over what?  Nothing has happened or been said.  he just sparked a dead flame in me and now i can't put out the fire.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

First of all......if your marriage is over......has been over for years, then why don't you just end it?  You say you don't care about love but you know that's not true. You're all thrilled now at the prospect of some kind of affair.  You're 42, a YOUNG woman with a lot of good years ahead of you.  This is a young kid.  He's got a girlfriend.  A lot of what you felt was "flirting" or "making moves" was probably just your imagination.......you enjoyed the feeling of a man being nice to you, you read more into it than it really was.  Now you think he found out you're married?  Then kudos for him......not to mess around with a married woman.  Saying you're staying in a marriage because of your two sons is just an excuse to avoid doing anything.  Do you really think that your sons don't realize that you and your husband are just "room mates" and that there's no real love in your home?  They would be a lot better off with shared parenting and seeing BOTH parents happy!  Kids are better off to be FROM a broken home than IN a broken home, and you know their home is broken.  End the marriage.....then you'll be free to check out all the good looking single men in your own age bracket......and probably find real love.  Do the right thing.....end the marriage so you can both find a good partner and have a happy life. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Yes I think you should forget about the young man--the main reason is that you started off by saying how much you love your job so you must be successful at work--how do you think that things would go if people at work found out that you, a married woman, started an affair with a young man--and I really hope he is not one of your subordinates.  You would be the subject of gossip, no matter how much you tried to avoid it, people always seem to find out.

Honestly I don't know why you would settle for having a sexless marriage at your age--it's not like you're 80.  You are young enough to find love again.  Your DH can't be that dense not to understand that the marriage is over.  Either he has no libido and doesn't mind not having sex, he is having sex with someone else, or he just figures (like you) that it's easier to put up with the status quo.  I think if you both act respectfully toward each other and understand that your children should not be used as pawns in the divorce, that you could get divorced and both have good relationships with your kids--my ex & I got divorced when the kids were little, which was not my idea, but I put aside my feelings of being angry toward my ex because we had to get along for the sake of the children.  I can tell you that since we did that and didn't have arguments over who would see the kids when, we always went to all school events and sat together, etc.--now the kids are grown and they have good relationships with both of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006

And hence this is the reason people need to STOP being together in marriages for 'the sake of the children'. Face it..it's financial reasons I'm guessing.You don't want to go through the hassle of having to deal with child support and crap  like that when one does get a divorce ..BUT life goes on! It's not fair to YOU or your KIDS and even your HUSBAND if you're NOT in love with him!! Your kids will ALWAYS be your kids.You didn't MARRY your kids! YOu married your husband and the love has been gone a very long time.You should have just gotten the divorce a long time ago.Who wants to be roommates with your spouse?!! People need to stop doing this nonsense.You think that you're doing a good deed for your kids BUT you're not. What you're doing is teaching your kids to be in a loveless marriage and to waste precious time.Now you have found something that could turn into something good for you BUT becuase you're still married...you can't do anything about it because then you would be cheating on your husband...because remember..he STILL is your husband. ALSO it wouldn't be fair to even start anything with this guy becuase it wouldn't be fair to the guy to get involved with someone who is still married..believe it or not...most people don't want to get involved in something messy like that. It's not fair to them.Maybe this thing happenning to you is a wake up call for you to get your divorce and start finding happiness for yourself.Easier said then done BUT you need to do this or else you will be missing out on  so much of your life.I'm guessing your plan to be in this loveless marriage will be once ALL the kids reach 18yrs of age...correct? That's crazy. Getting a divorce is NOT the end of the world BUT being in a marriage without love and just doing it for childrens' sake IS the end of your life as you know it.It might as well be the end of the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Many guys really are attracted to older women just like older men to younger women ! That said , be very careful of becoming emotionally involved with this guy.Yeah, can happen very fast and before either of you know it, you both will be gazing into each other's eyes and people around you will catch the look! It's a workplace so be very mindful. My friend was 40 when a 28 year guy pursued her while she rejected him for his age but he didn't accept and now they are happily married for 12 years. The difference here is that you are married and he has a girlfriend.At the most it will be an affair and you never know this guy might just be happy with that but will you be happy with it?Affairs aren't for the faint hearted and emotional attachment can take both of you to a different land which can be both rewarding and painful. Being in an unhappy marriage and a guy comes in = recipe for heart disaster ! He probably didn't know that you were married but now he knows it and if he comes back with the same flirtious behavior , yeah he wants to go ahead ! Then it's upto you how to handle the situation--- tell a straight No which will work and he will leave you alone.As for your marriage, it's always easier said than done to divorce when there are young kids involved.42 is young !
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2014

Thank you for the advice. My kids are actually 12 and 13 so my plan is to wait until they are both in high school. Two more years then I will leave. Yes u r right about my heart. I need to be careful because about five years ago I fell hard for another man after a very short affair and went into a mild depression. Tooknprozac for a while and bounced back.  I just wish he hadnt come into my life I hate being teased like this when I am so vulnerable. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2014
Good advice,, thank you u r right. Biggest problem is he has NO money and can't support himself at all. Only makes $10 an hour. I am the bread winner making $70k a year he does have family nearby though that can support him. I will start making plans to leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2014
Thank you and no he works in a different group than me. I feel better about letting it go now. I can't deal with office gossip and people talking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2014

You are correct, he has  no libido.  Never complains or asks for sex at all. NEVER EVER.  Very unaccomplished in life, wanted to make films, direct, and write screen plays.  Never found success in that, and still struggling with trying to obtain that, probably much like I want to obtain love.  A good person, a good father, just not a good life partner, head in the clouds artistic type.  I guess the world needs those kinds of people they just make terrible spouses if that success never comes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009

From where I see it, you are in for trouble with this guy! Guard yourself before he sneaks into your life. You really are vulnerable and giving off the vibe that you are done with love etc.which is ironically going to  attract love! What are you gonna do if he pursues you even after you tell him a straight no ? You need to be prepared for that. 42 is too young to go without sex. Since you are attracting younger guys then it means you have maintained yourself and look younger for your age. It's both good and bad. I wouldn't lecuter you on morals/ marriage/ kids as affairs are for real and happen to the most I unassumed people all the time and sometimes aren't even bad and could be one of those necessary evils!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Well I don't know what difference 2 more years will make as far as the kids--starting high school is a big change for kids so do you want to add the parents getting divorced to that?  You also need to think about the fact that you might be paying alimony--the courts won't expect your DH's family to support him.  That is not their job.  I am assuming (and this might be wrong) that he was more involved in taking care of the kids.  I have a friend who just got divorced.  She is a highly paid lawyer making probably $150,000 and her ex was basically the SAHD.  She admits that he was a very good father and did all the things for the kids so that she could concentrate on work.  He actually left her for another woman.  Their kids are adults now but she has to pay alimony to the guy of about $60,000 a year--she's already 60 so it will only be for a few years, but she said her standard of living has gone way down.  Now in a lot of states, the length of time you pay alimony is tied to the length of the marriage, so the longer you stay married, it will actually hurt you financially.

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