God - I need some advice :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
God - I need some advice :-(
2
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 10:53am

OK bare with me on this one I could really do with some advice.

So i have been with my partner for 14 years I am 30 years old & have 2 kids who are 10 & 3 & have been married for 2 years. I havent been happy in my relationship for a good 6 months i think, i cant put my finger on why i think its just life in general, I will be honest & say i dont enjoy being a mum which i hate to admit, i dont enjoy it one bit which is mad seeing how long it took me to fall with both of my boys. If i could go back & do it again i wouldnt have kids. There have been times where i hve just wanted to pack my bags & get away from my life...

My husband & i, i feel are more like friends, i feel like we have grown apart we dont have anything in common or same intrests but we never have but years ago when we met i was head over heels in love with him, could see my life with him etc etc... I dont no whats changed, he goes away with friends on holiday & i dont miss him & i go away & we do a family holiday

I went away 9 weeks ago & whilst there, ended up getting friendly with a group of lads, normally when i go away i would never do this so i dont know why i did this time, i ended up getting on with a lad there who was 21 but we were so similar, i no crazy seeing the age difference he was just like i was at his age, into his cars (i was a girl racer back then) into car meets, we were so similar & in tune with one another & the sexual chemistry was imense, i never slept with him but god i wanted to but we kissed a few times.... 1 nght we ended up staying up all night talking etc & he said i was so like his ex & he reminded me of a ex of mine before my husband, he opened up we had a good chat he said his ex was older 33 & he prefered older ladies to his own age. we just had such a good chat & the next day he felt embarresed as to how much he had opened up to me. He seemed so into me on holiday, following me around got jealous when his friends spoke to me about what we were doing that night going for drinks etc (which he admitted)

 When i left i gave him my number (stupid i no) & for a good 2 weeks we messaged loads every day just banter etc & he said he could see himself falling for me. I really wanted to see him again & vice a versa so we arranaged to meet 3 weeks after being back, the week of meeting he went quiet i heard from him via text about 3 x that week which was weird but we met we stayed in a hotel & we did sleep together...He said he had just had alot on with me not hearing from him. The sex wasnt amazing my sex life with my husband doesnt excite me or thrill me, nor does he turn me on i find it a chore & dont enjoy it, it was just like sex with my husband so that made me feel a little better that it wasnt him... Again he said he could see himself really falling for me & when we left the next morning he said about when are we going to meet up again (i said i didnt think that we would it was naughty)

That day i heard from him just the general banter & he missed me already LOL.. I havent been able to get him out of my head though after that & then found mysef messaging him & he would take ages to respond or just put little answers & not engage into a conversation like we had been... We said about meeting again & for me  to go up that way, just to hang out catch up for the day he lives at home still & his mum wont allow people to stay not even his ex was allowed to which is fair enough.... I was going up bank holiday friday 18th April & that week he was quiet i messaged a few days before saying did he still want me to come up (as he had been saying i dont need a invite to just go up there whenever) he lives 2hrs from me. The night before (Thurs) he text at 11pm saying message him in the morning which i was abit like "ehhhh" im either coming up or im not, messaged him Fri morning the day i was going up & heard nothing at all :-( really annoyed me as i could have made plans etc & then on the bank holiday Monday i phoned him & he phoned me back as he was busy, he didnt apologise or anything even though i said about it & said it was rude he just said he ended up being busy but that he wanted to see me etc.. I said about him making the effort & booking a hotel or something so i could see he meant it..... He said he would sort it... A few days after he said he couldnt find his bank card & could i arrange it so i did

 

We then arranged to meet Sun 4th May & again those 2 weeks inbetween i felt like i was alwys messaging him, not getting much reposnse or enagament in conversation... The week leading up to it didnt hear much from him depsite me saying are we meeting etc & on the sun morning i cancelled the hotel as i knew we would meet, he messaged sun at 4pm to say yes & when i said what time nothing at all again (glad i cancelled the hotel) & then he didnt message until 11,30pm that night to say "could my day have got any worse) i didnt repsond at all.... It really annoyed me as again i could have made plans but i so wanted to use this last meeting as a closure & to leave him with a good memory of me, I wanted to be the one that walked away with the upper hand (if that makes sense)

Thats 2 x now he has stood me up with no explanation, 4 days ago (bank holiday monday) i messaged again at 8pm saying i was off Tues did he want to meet (always through wasup) so you can see when people have read your messages & when they were last online & no reponse & then stupidly tues morn i sent a massive message saying aout laying my cards on the table i was after some fun, with him etc was he intrested if he got in a relationship with someone or started seeing someone it would stop, if he wasnt intrested anymore to then just say & i would delete his number he would hear nothing off me again etc just a massive message & no response at all

So im left now thinking WTF, he said all the right things seemed so genuine but:

Is he a player - i dont think he is

Has he started seeing someone but then why not say

Has he lost intrest which is what im leaning more towards he got what he wanted in the end from the being on holiday but i wouldnt sleep with him so he chased.. Or is it just his age 21.

 

I guess for me the annoying thing is he is so like my ex, i had a thing with him 6 years ago we had unfinished business & i saw him for about 6 weeks - he messed me around like this played head games etc with me, i chased constanly & this is what it has been like with this lad as well..... Normally i was the one getting chased etc these 2 are the only people that have ever done my head in & played mind games with me............

I have now deleted his number so i dont phone/text him as believe me i have been tempted the last 2 days just to send a little message but then keep thinking if he was thinking about me he would message.....

I have been thinking the past few days & i do think i really like this lad, or is it because he showed me intrest. attention which we all like, he took me back to how i was in my younger years etc & how i felt etc I have been thinking am i craving a life i cant have, i still like going out loads etc, & having fun. My job i do i come into contact with alot of younger girls & all over FB there all off to Ibiza to work etc & im sat feeling jealous (i did this when i was 19) but the memories the fun etc if i wasnt tied down id travel or even be out there working having fun....

I keep getting all emotional & welling up but then i have been like this for months as well - getting all upset, the thought if getting older scares me always has but with another birthday approaching & my 20's becoming a distant memory & the 40's the next big thing i hate it, especialy when i only feel like im 21 still & people always think im 23-26 & shocked when i say married & have kids.

I have been thinking about can i see myself with my husband in 30+ years time... I just feel all confused & a mess now & not sure where to go or turn from here...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 11:28am

I think you need to forget about this young guy--it was just a fling, wouldn't have gone anywhere, considering he's a baby still living with his mom.  You need to figure out what to do with your life and running away from your problems and thinking that you can still act like you're 21 and go out with friends and forget that you're a married mom with responsibilities isn't going to hack it.  It sounds  like you might be depressed, since you seem to have not much interest in things, so maybe you should investigate that first.  It doesn't sound like your DH is terrible but if neither of you put any effort into your marriage and just go around doing your own thing, your marriage won't be a good one.  And having kids is not always a bed of roses and can sometimes be very boring, I will admit, but you have the kids and they deserve to have a mom who is paying attention to their needs not going off to have vacations and have affairs without thinking about them.  Sorry to be harsh, but I have 2 kids (25 & 18) and was divorced when they were young.  I did occasionally go away without them, but very occasionally and they would be taken care of by their grandparents or, after the divorce, by their father.  I just feel like in the past couple of years since the youngest got old enough to drive, that I could really go out and do my own thing.  I think that you started having kids very young and probably feel now that you are missing out on what younger people do, but I just think you have to make the best of your situation now.  If you end up getting divorced from your DH, then you will be a single mom most of the time, which is only going to be harder, so I think it would be better for you if you and your DH at least try to have a better relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 3:46pm

My advice is to try to forget about this kid and concentrate on figuring out what it is you really want and need.

As to why he's behaving the way he is, I would guess that the little game became too real. You met on holiday and he probably envisioned a little fantasy fling---an older woman, married and lives somewhere else. Seems safe and forbidden at the same time. Lots of sexual tension for fun but he probably wasn't looking for an actual ongoing affair. Who knew that a married mom could get away for the weekend so often? So when he realized that you meant for it to carry on he either got spooked or lost interest. You say you just wanted some fun but it doesn't sound very casual from all of the effort that you were putting forth. It doesn't really matter why he's moved away from it---its not like it was a "real" relationship. Bottom line, he's still a kid---21 and living at home---and to him 30 is old and your life experiences are leagues apart, and he probably doesn't know how to end something like this. Its a good thing that YOU have realized that its time to end it...just figure that its over and stop contacting him.

Looking forward, seems like you need to think about if you want to work on your marriage. You were quite young when you got together with your H and not surprising if you two have grown apart as you have grown up.....but that doesn't mean it can't be fixed. You and he can find things in common, besides your kids. Does your H also have affairs? Does he know about your affairs?

The previous poster mentioned depression, which I think you should look into. Do you get satisfaction in other parts of your life? Do you work and enjoy your job, or have hobbies or interests that fulfill you? You give the sense of feeling trapped in a stale marriage with children that you no longer want.....I suggest that you get screened for depression, if that's not it then work at making yourself happy in ways that fit into your current life. Then the marriage and kids may not seem so oppressive. If you ought to end your marriage, well that's a whole other discussion.