Have no idea what I am doing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
Have no idea what I am doing
Tue, 12-17-2013 - 11:32am


I don't know which is the better place to post this. I'm not in an A exactly. I don't think. It may be over. It may be beginning. I can't really say.

I don't want to start off as a victim, but to give a little bit of past history, my H had an EA for a long time that he never told me about. He lied about loving me and wanting to marry me because this other woman wouldn't have him. I found out after giving birth to our first child, and we tried hard to put it behind us for the sake of our child. I was angry and depressed for a long time, and I eventually decided to seek some sort of "revenge" against him. I tried finding someone to hang out with that I could maybe use to make him jealous, except he never got jealous. Then I thought I would try a PA to hurt him, but I never could go through with it. Finally, I focused on myself and took my frustrations to the gym, have since gotten back into shape, started taking care of myself mentally and physically, and I feel like all of the stuff really doesn't matter to me anymore. In fact, I am to the point where I wouldn't care if he slept with other people. Yep. I have emotionally removed myself from my M to the point where he could have ten mistresses and I wouldn't care.

Maybe too far?

So, several months ago I made a male friend (with a live in GF). Doesn't it always start that way? At first we pretended it was all innocent (classic start to an EA, right?). We found ourselves enjoying each others company more and more, and I found myself wanting to be with him and not at home with my H. Finally we addressed the elephant in the room. I told him I only had room at this point in my life for a fling, and he told me he wouldn't be able to throw away a perfectly good relationship for some short fling. Fair enough. We agreed to not spend as much time together. But...like addicts, we found ourselves back to the same place within a week. We admitted to having real feelings for each other and not knowing what to do with them. We agreed to go NC and think about what we want.

Unexpectedly I ran into him again yesterday. Me, being the stupid girl I am, thought I would at least kiss him, just to see if the spark was there (we've never kissed before). But, what I thought would be a romantic moment turned awkward when he held me but kept his face away from mine. Then he turned and kissed me briefly, pulled back, held me close, gave another peck, pulled back again and refused to give into it completely. He was tense, red and didn't say much. Then he went outside for air with no coat.

He is out of the country now, so we really won't see each other again for quite a long time. I feel like a totally mortified idiot. Why did I think it would be like a movie where we melt into one anothers arms and the screen goes dark? And now he has this GF that he may or may not tell about this. I feel like where he is concerned, I forget about any sort of decorum and just do whatever I want and worry about consequences later. It is good he is gone. Maybe I will get him out of my system after not being around him.

As far as my H goes. I know I sound cold. I know any other good person would ask for a divorce first. Until recently I honestly thought D was impossible. But now I am actually looking into it. I don't want a marriage based on lies and infidelity. I don't want to feel like I need to "win" against my H. And I don't want to start something that was born out of lies and infidelity. I just want to come home to someone I love and feel like this is where I belong. Right now I dread going home to my H. I dread weekends. I want to get to a place where I don't.

I know my child will be impacted by my choices, and I hope to keep it friendly for his sake. I just feel so out of control and distracted, I feel like I can't possibly be a good parent until I can be happy at home.

I don't know what my questions are. I just really needed to get this out somewhere.







Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 12:33am

  Ok, you have moved away spritually from your H.  You seem angry because you were the 2nd choice.  Ok.  You wanted to hurt him, revenge?  Instead you tried to have a fling and that failed.   By now Your H  is a roomate but you are conflicted still.   I suggest time to get to know yourself.  That the dream may never happen.  Or the dream is not you at all.  There are time when we are moving to some tune we thing we are supposed to dance to, but the music is the social conditioning not our personal song. 

   If you left what do you think will happen?  What do you want to happen and is that realistic?   If you keep anger as your emotional "fuel" then what will replace it?  What will you become? 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2012
Fri, 12-20-2013 - 5:44pm
I'm actually not sure exactly what you mean by the "dream"? And I don't know what would happen if I left. I might be miserable. I might be happier. I will never know unless I do it. I just worry about my child and the impact the separation would have. We don't fight and we are warm to each other in front of our kid. It's more an emotional distance. And the fling may or may not work out. That is what I don't know. I have no idea why the guy acted the way he did, and I am so confused by it that it is distracting me. Does he want me? Does he not? I don't even know if it is a good idea to ask.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 12-20-2013 - 9:21pm

Hi Nsdk

If you have no idea what you are doing, then stop what you are doing and reassess.  I'd sit with a therapist to help me sort through my stuff.

Affairs are never the answer.  They only complicate our lives.  Very few women are able to compartmentalize because we are the emotional ones.  If you think you can handle just a fling, I think you are kidding yourself...but don't realize it yet.  You are already wrapped up in this guy to a certain degree...you've got yourself a little 'crush' going.  Get any closer and you can magnify that degree x10 and you'll end up so topsy turvy you'll really have no idea what you are doing.  And that will affect your decision and parenting.

Don't go there.  Children can survive separation and/or divorce depending upon if the adults behave like adults and have a plan in place which puts the children's best interest first.

Having a discovery day which can leave you in ruins is way more difficult to overcome and explain away to children.  

If you are thinking divorce, then you must be clear headed...and affair will not only not leave you with a clear head, it'll leave you with a major headache you can do without.

Sit with a counselor, explain where you are at, get to the bottom of whatever issues may ail you, put your fears right out on the table, get guidance and support for whichever direction you choose.  You are right in that you cannot know the outcome of anything 'til you try it. Try not to let fear rule your choices.  I recently left a 10-year relationship and all my friends in Massachusetts and relocated myself to Florida. It was scary, but I refused to let fear of the unknown stop me.  I took a leap of faith that it was the best thing for me to do...and so it was.

Stay away from this guy...you'll only muck up your already muddied waters.  And, consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet.


Community Leader,

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