Have no idea what I am doing
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|Tue, 12-17-2013 - 11:32am|
I don't know which is the better place to post this. I'm not in an A exactly. I don't think. It may be over. It may be beginning. I can't really say.
I don't want to start off as a victim, but to give a little bit of past history, my H had an EA for a long time that he never told me about. He lied about loving me and wanting to marry me because this other woman wouldn't have him. I found out after giving birth to our first child, and we tried hard to put it behind us for the sake of our child. I was angry and depressed for a long time, and I eventually decided to seek some sort of "revenge" against him. I tried finding someone to hang out with that I could maybe use to make him jealous, except he never got jealous. Then I thought I would try a PA to hurt him, but I never could go through with it. Finally, I focused on myself and took my frustrations to the gym, have since gotten back into shape, started taking care of myself mentally and physically, and I feel like all of the stuff really doesn't matter to me anymore. In fact, I am to the point where I wouldn't care if he slept with other people. Yep. I have emotionally removed myself from my M to the point where he could have ten mistresses and I wouldn't care.
Maybe too far?
So, several months ago I made a male friend (with a live in GF). Doesn't it always start that way? At first we pretended it was all innocent (classic start to an EA, right?). We found ourselves enjoying each others company more and more, and I found myself wanting to be with him and not at home with my H. Finally we addressed the elephant in the room. I told him I only had room at this point in my life for a fling, and he told me he wouldn't be able to throw away a perfectly good relationship for some short fling. Fair enough. We agreed to not spend as much time together. But...like addicts, we found ourselves back to the same place within a week. We admitted to having real feelings for each other and not knowing what to do with them. We agreed to go NC and think about what we want.
Unexpectedly I ran into him again yesterday. Me, being the stupid girl I am, thought I would at least kiss him, just to see if the spark was there (we've never kissed before). But, what I thought would be a romantic moment turned awkward when he held me but kept his face away from mine. Then he turned and kissed me briefly, pulled back, held me close, gave another peck, pulled back again and refused to give into it completely. He was tense, red and didn't say much. Then he went outside for air with no coat.
He is out of the country now, so we really won't see each other again for quite a long time. I feel like a totally mortified idiot. Why did I think it would be like a movie where we melt into one anothers arms and the screen goes dark? And now he has this GF that he may or may not tell about this. I feel like where he is concerned, I forget about any sort of decorum and just do whatever I want and worry about consequences later. It is good he is gone. Maybe I will get him out of my system after not being around him.
As far as my H goes. I know I sound cold. I know any other good person would ask for a divorce first. Until recently I honestly thought D was impossible. But now I am actually looking into it. I don't want a marriage based on lies and infidelity. I don't want to feel like I need to "win" against my H. And I don't want to start something that was born out of lies and infidelity. I just want to come home to someone I love and feel like this is where I belong. Right now I dread going home to my H. I dread weekends. I want to get to a place where I don't.
I know my child will be impacted by my choices, and I hope to keep it friendly for his sake. I just feel so out of control and distracted, I feel like I can't possibly be a good parent until I can be happy at home.
I don't know what my questions are. I just really needed to get this out somewhere.