having an affair - things come full circle

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2003
having an affair - things come full circle
Sun, 12-08-2013 - 9:04am

Lets start at the beginning. Several years ago my world was torn apart after 20 years of marriage and 2 beautiful children i learned my husband was having an affair. I was trying to take our marriage to another level and really paying attention to him (everyone knows how things can get boring). To make a long story short he was seeing someone for 3 months who he had taken on vactions (that i was originally supposed to attend) and had planned on divorcing me and marrying her. When i found this out i also found out he was a serial cheater and had cheated on me our entire relationship. I'm sure at this point you think im just plain stupid. I am not. I am a strong, intelligent woman who somehow lost her way. Long story short we reconciled, he sought counselling and seems to have changed.

Fast forward several years. I have realized we are just so different and frankly i just don't like him (as a person). Unforunately shortly after finding out about the infedeliies he had made bad investements and we pretty much lost everyting (frankly i believe i am more angry about this than the infedelities). Honestly, i have learned so much from all of this and have become stronger and better for all of it-in case you are feeling sorry for me- dont).

A year ago i met a man and we became friends. He is COMPLETELY opposite to my handsome, outgoing husband. He really made me believe in myself and gave me my confidence back (the infedelity had really kicked me in the gut). Shortly later we became intimate. I was really falling for this guy and appreciated his every day acts of kindness (putting windshield washer in my car, chilling my glass for a martini, making me lunch-simple pleasures). About two months into our relationship i realized he had more amd more womens items showing up at his place. I quickly lerned he had been seeing someone and she was moving in. Now we have been seeing one another for a year! I have attempted to break it off several times but miss him so much........i truly love this guy. Problem is i have HUGE difficulty accepting his relationship. His is new and they are in contact all the time. He explains that he is in love with me but since i cannot commit (i am married remember) he enjoys the company and splliting the bills, and i'm sure likes the sex. He did wait around in the past for a married woman for two years- i suppose he is not prepared to do that. I get it. Still, i have difficulty accpeting his relatively "happy new relationship".

When we met, he new i was married. I didn't know he was in a relationship.

Why don't i leave my husband you ask. Right now i financially cannot. We have lost everything, we both work just to pay the kids bills. I have asked my family to help me but they won't. If i could move in with them and try it on my own - with their help- i could do it. I cannot afford to rent a home, pay my car, gas, food and kids expenses. My husband cannot afford to pay me right now.

So , my questions are complex. Yes, i know what i need to do in my marriage and i will. My feelings for my husband have changed (over time i've been able to see this). i have lost respect for him and that is impossible to regain. My other man - i love the guy but his relationship status makes me crazy. I really hate it and me of all people shouldn't be in the postion of seeing someone who is "hitched" . I truly don't want to be the other woman and frankly i feel sorry for her. She has no idea i'm in her bed.

Thoughts- good,bad and ugly, bring it on.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2013
Sun, 12-08-2013 - 2:02pm

Ok, to start off...I wasn't sure what to expect when I came into your post but I came in with an open mind. I more or less want to let you know you aren't alone. I am in pretty close to the same situation. I am M and he has a live in GF that makes him miserable but he stays for the convenience and the stability for his kid. I know the entire situation on his end and I understand to a point. However it is frustrating beyond belief since she treats him like crap! His GF and my H both know about the 1st time we had an A but not the 2nd or 3rd times around. So anytime we run into each other he turns and heads the other way while she stares at me with a look of death. I wish I had some advice that would help but honestly I don't have any. I love my H and he is a great man that deserves much better but he sticks around. I simply have needs not being met despite directly addressing them with my H so I fell(I say fell bc it kind of just fell into my lap....I wasn't looking for it and he pursued me) into this A because this guy took care of those needs...and no I am not just talking sexually either. I doubt he will ever leave this girl unless it becomes convenient for him...at least in my situation that is what I see. It comes down to are you willing to wait it out to find out....is he willing to wait it out and will it be too late by the time either of those things happen.