He says he needed attention

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
He says he needed attention
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 11:29am

Our marriage hasn't been good for a long time, we argue about everything and the past while we've been more roommates than spouses. I've asked for a separation several times, he begs for counseling and things get better for a while. Turns out he's been going online to "chat" with people who live locally and a year ago March slept with another woman. He swears it only happened the one time but as early as last week he was reaching out to try to connect with others.... including a couple, and says he was curious about being with another guy. He says he wanted to feel appreciated, that he was seeking attention.

I found out accidentally, filed for divorce and then confonted him.  He tried to deny it, and finally admitted to the adultery when I started quoting some of the texts I read.

Having had a couple days without the rage and adrenaline now I'm having regrets... regrets for not putting more energy into our relationship, regrets for closing him out, and regrets for jumping on the divorce papers. I do NOT take responsibility, this was his mistake. It's just...Divorce is so FINAL. It petrifies me yet I feel like a fool for even considering a reconciliation.

Ironically, I've discovered just how much I love him. He's always been my biggest supporter, he goes along with any crazy project I get on. I'm overweight and that's NEVER bothered him as much as it does me. He's seen me at my best and he's seen me at my worst and he's loved me through it all.

I don't know if we can work through this, or if I could ever learn to trust him again. With the divorce process already started, I haven't even given myself time to find out. I keep wondering if this state of confusion is my real feelings or if I were clearer in my judgement the day I filed the papers. Lots of people have said not to dwell on the paperwork... it's just papers. 

We've been married 12 years.  We have children.  We struggle financially and this is just going to make that struggle harder.  I would love to hear from other people's experiences whether you tried to work it out, walked away or tried and still walked away. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 8:04pm

Exactly, they always think the grass is going to be greener. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Sun, 07-29-2012 - 1:33pm

Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side......for both of them.

It doesn't sound like they are a really good fit for each other.  The marriage, from this post anyway, was never really healthy.

He needs attention, she doesn't like expectations, so she intentially witholds.  It seems like he may have a higher sexual appetite than her (which is OK on boths sides, just they are mismatched).  He may like more kinky type sex based on her stating he is seeking out couples.

Actually, the way this reads, the cheating may not be the worst of what's wrong.  Both of them would really need to find out who they are and what they want from a marriage.  Right now there is a lot of dysfunction.

If not divorce, a really long separation is definitely necessary and couples counseling could not even begin for a while until they are both healthy people.  Unfortunatley, this rarely happens.  And this not backing down business?  I don't know, should an honest discussion with each other about divorce rather than digging in heals be better - if you want to save a marriage?