Help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2013
Help...
6
Tue, 07-30-2013 - 4:33pm
I'm not sure if I'm here for direction or just support or simply just to get this off my chest. Regardless, I appreciate any feedback or advice anyone can provide. 
My husband and I have been together for 8.5 years, married for 6 and have a four year old son. To anyone looking in, we probably appear to have a healthy marriage. That is not necessarily the case. I haven't felt like I was "in love" with my husband for several years. We have discussed this several, several times and attempted to put effort in to re-connect, spend more time together, spice things up, etc. That really isn't the only problem though- I feel like our marriage is a habit. I feel like he never wants to be around. He doesn't participate a majority of the time in the things going on in me and my sons lives. He is a natural pessimistic  who is always complaining and he has no motivation with regards to his career. My salary is over double his and that puts a lot of pressure on me. He has opportunities to advance or make more money, but simply doesn't want to do it because he wants it easy. We've talked about all this in the past. He would say he would try harder and then before the situation even starts to improve, it's right back to where it was. I'm not perfect either, I have made some very poor financial decisions in the past that have created a lot of stress and strain on our marriage. The fact is, I'm only 29. I'm not happy. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this marriage. I feel like he does love me but the main reason he wants to stay with me is because I make his life easy. I cook and clean and pay our bills. My job allows us to have financial stability (versus if he was on his own)
Now... about the affair. My AP and I are both married. We met 5 years ago at work and worked together, very closely, for 4 years before we both left the company. I instantly felt a connection to him and our careers had us interacting frequently and we quickly did established a connection. After we both left to go to separate companies, we kept in touch- occasionally meeting for lunch and emails. No boundary was ever crossed and our connection was never discussed- our friendship was completely proper.... except that I secretly was in love with him. Recently the truth came out and he admitted that he has always felt the same way for me. We have been engaged in a month long affair and have also admitted that we've been "falling" in love with each other for a very long time- we're just compatible. His marriage is a disaster and he plans on telling his wife he wants a divorce when they go to their next couples counseling. 
I feel... like I can't do this anymore. Regardless of what happens between me and my AP, I want out of my marriage. I am scared to tell him. Scared because he has a temper (my son will not be there) but I feel like I need to get out of this ASAP, I can't wait any longer. I'm considering leaving him a note explaining that I'd like a divorce, the reasons why, applicable next steps (financial stuff, our son, moving out, etc.) and then going away to my parents for the weekend. I feel bad not doing this F2F but... I am scared of his temper. I don't think he'd hit me but the likelihood of him punching a wall, throwing stuff and FREAKING out is quite high. I don't want to tell him about my AP though... I feel that would just be making it worse. 
Help. Advice. Comments? 
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: Idris514
Tue, 07-30-2013 - 5:29pm

Here is my short answer.

No, don't tell him about your AP.  Going on the assumption that you are 100% sure you don't want to be married to DH, AP or no AP.  You would rather be alone than be married to DH.

I left a physically abusive DH when I was 22.  Although he had not actually hit me in the several months prior, the emotional abuse and other behaviors (things that we simply humilating, and scary) was enough for me to leave a note while he was sleeping and leave.  Be very, very prepared if you go this route for things to potentially get very ugly.  It is a last resort and should be thought out very carefully. 

I would get advice on other ways to do this.  You may still want to go to your moms, but seriously consider at least talking to him on the phone.  Or in a public place.  Something along those lines.  Plan for the worst, but try and do it in person if at all possible. 

Lastly, be 100% sure you are ready to get D.  Make sure you are not being subconsciously influenced by your AP's desire to do the same.   You may want to wait (if you are not being abused) just to be sure.  You are in that lust stage with your AP, which can blur our vision. 

You also may want to consult with a divorce attorney before you do anything.  You could potentially be looking at spousal support of your income is double his.  Who leaves and moves and who stays in the house can matter, also.  Leaving him a house he can't afford may not be a smart financial move.  Depends what state you live in.  So again, I would get legal counsel before doing anything.

Good luck and be careful. 

Serenity
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: Idris514
Wed, 07-31-2013 - 12:02am

  First find a very good detail orentated divorce lawyer and learn all the ups and downs tell the lawyer everything.  The reason is not having suprises or a lawyer who is not 100% on your side.  It is very important to file for full custody as you have wiggle room then.  (in many states you might not be able to move when you want to)  Each state is different.  An experienced lawyer is best.  Also it is often an eye opener once you are out of this marriage.  Is your employmnet a career or only a job?  In other words what do you want for the future.  AP's can be lots of fun but reality is a whole 'nother world.

dragowoman

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
In reply to: Idris514
Wed, 07-31-2013 - 1:27pm

Serenity gave you good advice.  Be prepared, and slow down.

I do want to say that if you have never mentioned divorce before, simply up and leaving with no warning is a deep unkindness.  It means that you are making a unilateral decision about your marriage without the other partner.  In the absence of his abuse of humans, animals, or substances, this seems resoundingly unfair.  While your H doesn't sound like a spectacular husband, he doesn't sound like the worst one in the world either.  I realize that your affair may be demonstrating by contrast what an exciting relationship can be.  However, just because it has pushed you to a decision doesn't necessarily mean that you get to be the one who decides the marriage is over.

While I haven't walked a mile in your shoes, I have been with my own husband for 30 years.  We went to counseling together before we were even engaged and again when we'd been married for a few years.  Despite having been together since we were 20, we still hadn't quite learned everything there was to know about each other and how to best communicate 12 years later, and the word "divorce" actually crossed my mind.  When it did, I knew that we needed help.  Counseling helped us understand ourselves and each other better.  We were able to build a marriage that is free of resentment and full of mutual respect and affection. (BTW I am the sole breadwinner of the family - so EVERYTHING we own, save for, and spend is up to me.  Unequal incomes do not need to breed resentment.)

Marriage *is* a habit.  It's a habit of being faithful to what we promised.  Of course both parties have to want to be faithful to those promises, and by faithful I don't mean physical fidelity, I mean waking up every day committed to doing what needs to be done as a married person.  If one person is failing at it, the other needs to try to bring them back to it.  Often that can mean marriage counseling.  Some marriages can't be saved, of course.  But don't underestimate the value of the habits that keep people together.

The most striking thing about your post is that you mention nothing about your son in all of this, other than that you have one.  As a parent, you ALWAYS have to think of how your actions affect your children.  I am not referring at the moment to your affair, but in how you choose to seek separation from your H.  Not only the legal ramifications of "I'm leaving you a note and disappearing for a couple of days" - because this could be viewed as abandonment - but what do you plan to do with your son while you're at your mother's house?  Do you think your H will just look at a note and say, "Oh, OK, guess I'll wait for her to get back to deal with this" - or is he likely to call you or come to your mother's house - and if so, what is your son going to see when this happens?

Making a major life decision that will affect your son forever because you suddenly feel a need to be free of your H - without warning, without counseling - that seems a bit self-centered.  I know we all want to be happy in life, but at the moment it seems like you are thinking only of yourself.  And again I'm not even talking about the affair.  Please slow down and talk this through with a trusted counselor, preferably with your H.  (And I agree that bringing up the AP is probably unwise.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-31-2013 - 8:50pm

I have to add that it's almost impossible for one parent to get sole custody (legal & physical) unless the other parent is abusive, drug user or something horrible.  If the court decides they will try to split the time that the child has between both parents--it might not be 50-50.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
In reply to: Idris514
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 1:38pm

My affair was an exit affair.  I asked my husband to move out after the first time my AP and I were together.  I did not think I had a future with my AP, but I knew that I could not stay married after having had sex with someone else, especially since I felt no regret about the infidelity.  

The marriage was bad for quite some time, but I had tolerated it.  I now know that there is no medal awarded to spouses who tolerate being treated poorly and my spouse would not change his behavior toward me.  He made 11th hour attempts every time I made plans to leave, which worked to suck me back in because I was ambivalent about leaving.  

This time was different.  It was like a light switch had been flipped - I was simply done being married to the man - end of discussion.  


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
In reply to: Idris514
Wed, 09-18-2013 - 9:49pm

It sounds to me that you've fallen out of love with your husband and its been way before you started to have feelings or started a fling with another man.You need to either go to counseling together to work on your marriage if you really want to OR you work on getting a divorce and moving on.Life is way too short and it doesn't help matters to be in a relationship that is making you unhappy because that is the main issue here.