how to overcome being the betrayer?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2012
how to overcome being the betrayer?
9
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 12:55am

When I decided to text my friend's H, I didn't understand that it would lead to the end of our friendship,  He got caught, and she called me and said I betrayed her.

I miss her terribly.  I was a horrible friend.  I don't know why I did not have the strength to run from her H, to do the right thing, but I miss her terribly.  I can't seem to let go of the friendship.

She said she couldn't hang out with me anymore because she couldn't trust me or her H.  I understand that.  She doesn't understand the depth of the change in me after the A with her H.  I have matured.  I do not flirt.  I do not look at other men, S or M.  I understand what friends do or do not do.  I have changed so much.  It was a life-changing moment for me.  I would never hurt her again.  I have no desire for her H.  The A has ended, and I see it for what it truly was.

I want to know if this relationship might be restored.  I called her.  She did not answer, but I left a message.  She did not call back, but she waved at me when I drove by her house.

I get it.  She was and may still be very hurt.  D-day was 8 months ago.  I did betray her.  I was not a friend to her.  I chose to be selfish and text her H to gratify my need at the time.  But I have stopped.  I am making the right choices now.  I am leaving him alone.  I want to be there for her.  It sounds twisted, I know, but we were close before this happened.  I just lost it for a while.  I came around when the A ended.  I am working on my M now, and if it ever goes wrong again, I now have the financial means to get a divorce and live on my own, so I would divorce before I sought out another relatoinship.

I talk my problems over with my H or my mom now.  I don't try to buddy up to another man to get sympathy or attention.  So I have changed.  I would like to help her to get through this.  I want her to understand that we were playing a game, and we were not talking about leaving spouses, we were just leaning on each other for a few months.  I know that doesn't stop the hurt.  It doesn't change the betrayal and lies, deceit, but I believe in 2nd chances. 

I understand it was and still is wrong.  I just want to talk about it, and to receive forgiveness.  If marriages can survive and the 2 parties can rebuild trust, then I wonder if my friendship with her could survive, and we could rebuild trust.  If not, I don't know how I'll let go of our friendship.  I've been trying for several months, and I can't leave it alone until I know she will be okay.  I feel horrible that i can't undo what I so foolishly did.

I believe that we suffer consequences for our actions, but does it have to be for a lifetime? that's sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 11:37am
I am sure you feel bad about what you did to your "friend" but she should never ever have contact with you again. Psychologists and A experts tell WS to go NC for life. This includes their spouses. Seeing you is a constant reminder of the most terrible pain that you can ever imagine. Every time you call her it is like she experiences another D-Day. I had a woman whom I considered to be a very close friend have an A with my XH and to this day seeing her feels like thorns in my heart. I have been divorced from my XH for 19 years and I have no feelings for him what so ever but I don't care if she falls off of the face of the earth. She disgusts me in the worse way. She tried to apologize to me but it made me even more disgusted by her. That experience of betrayal from someone I thought was a friend made me distrustful of women around my current H. I can't even get close to other women like that anymore. It scars you in a way that you will never understand. I have had attractions to friend's husbands in the past and I ran like heck and separated myself from their husband like crazy. Leave her alone. You were never her friend and every time you contact her you drive nails further through her heart. Wanting to remain her friend is self-serving on your part. You want to ease your own guilt and you have little concern about her pain. It is the same selfishness and self-serving behavior which you used by having an A with her H. No woman in her right mind would want a woman who has selpt with their H while she was M to him to be around them or their H. When we cheat we only think about ourselves and we don't care about the pain we cause others (I have BTDT). Part of ensuring that we don't cheat is to create very strong boundaries and put other's feelings before our own. Put her feelings before your own for a change and give her peace by staying away from her and her H. Please leave her alone and continue to work on becoming a better person who really knows how to be a friend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 12:11pm

I agree with myrasfriend, leave her alone! I was the BS and the woman was supposed to be my friend. I have no desire to ever see her again and have absolutely no trust for her as well as other women. She would come over my house and act like she was my best friend telling me how great I was and blah blah blah. If I ever saw her again I would probably spit in her face! Even though now my husband dotes on me to the point where I have to say stop, I still don't trust him either! I have never been so hurt in my whole life! It's been 5 years since D-day and I still get a stabbing pain in my heart when I think about it! You are just trying to ease your own guilt by forcing her to be your friend again! By my own experience it would be too painful for her to ever be your friend again. I'm sorry but you made your bed.........

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 4:08pm

  Stop seeing yourself in a negative light.  It is not functional nor,does it allow you to move on.  You are not responsible for your friend an H's lack of communication and "trust".  That is their problem. 

   Now you need to reclaim yourself.  From what you are writing is seems to me you are punishing yourself.

" I do not flirt.  I do not look at other men, S or M."

       That is self destructive!  There is no need to stop living.  I realize that cultural messages are hard to ignore but to grow you cannot stunt yourself.   Don't even ask for forgiveness it is pointless.  You must forgive yourself.  Remember when we assume we are making a mistake.  Being able to now talk to your H about you problems is an improvement.  Communication is very important.  Opening the barriers to communication is freedom. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 1:02pm

I have to somehow think of everything and try everything before I let something go.  I wonder if, in you X spouses case, if it was a one-time thing.  If he made a mistake, if he was remorseful, if he let it go?  Then if so, I wonder how your life would be different if you would have talked it out with your x-friend.  I wonder if you would still be holding a grudge 19 years later.  I wonder if every time you saw her it would still hurt and disgust you, even though you say you have moved on from your x.

I have trouble with leaving her alone, because it was a definite mistake.  I am not in contact with the guy now, and I don't even feel anything for him anymore. I think the relationship could be rebuilt.  I think she could come to a place of forgive and forget if she tried and really listened to what I have to say.

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 9:20pm

Why should she try? She has nothing to gain from this as you have been a bad friend to her. She can find other friends. Should she try to work things out with her husband, perhaps, because he is her only husband and she made what is likely a lifetime commitment to him. But she did not do so with you. There is no reason for her to put time and effort into your relationship.

Tobermory

Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 9:20pm

Why should she try? She has nothing to gain from this as you have been a bad friend to her. She can find other friends. Should she try to work things out with her husband, perhaps, because he is her only husband and she made what is likely a lifetime commitment to him. But she did not do so with you. There is no reason for her to put time and effort into your relationship.

Tobermory

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 10:55pm
If she doesn't want to be your friend, you can't make her. Sometimes, something happens to irrevocably break a friendship (like having an affair with a friend's husband). If she finds a way to forgive you and wants to be friends again, it will have to be in her own time. For now, just leave her alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2013
Sun, 02-17-2013 - 2:46pm

hi kk,

I agree with myra and the others who are kindly saying if you are really changed you will leave her alone.  I have been in the shoes of the betrayed spouse, (unrelated also btdt on the betrayer too but not in the same way) and just because I forgave both of them doesn't mean I would be stupid enough to trust the "friend" ever again, and she has obvious told you this and spelled it out to you as is necessary, so you insisting on the fact you should be forgiven for her sake and so you can make it up to her, well its kinda like stalking behaviour and it is 100% selfish if the friendship is not re-started by her making the effort and contact. Anything else is you pushing yourself into their lives as if you had not done enough already? Yes you should forgive yourself. Yes if she would like to she will be better off forgiving you, if she does or doesn't it has nothing to do with you and the new improved you that you profess to be today....  but to let you back in and around your xAP would be a ridiculous idea for all four of you, your husband included, and she just doesn't seem that dumb even tho if I remember this story she goes thru this with him all the time.... so its likely you feel its just another time, but you cheated on HER too, and like someone else here said, you were a pretend friend and there are lots of real friends out there to replace you, while she has only one husband she can keep forgiving if she decides to that is just their business alone.  You are not in their relationship and they'd both be wise to leave it that way, you pushing the "I'm all better now and can be a real friend" doesn't really make sense to me because a real friend would not try, would not contact them at all unless invited back by her and not push yourself back into their lives after all that betrayal.  You want to overcome being the betrayer start fresh start over stop looking back and let them heal if you want to be a real friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 02-18-2013 - 1:40pm

Is your H aware of the A?  In order to work on your M problems he needs full disclosure. As far as your former friend she now knows that you were never her frieind and I am sure she wishes you would fall off the face of the earth. Please leave her alone. She will carry the memory of the A till her dying breath. Do not hurt her any more. JMO