how to overcome being the betrayer?
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|Mon, 12-03-2012 - 12:55am|
When I decided to text my friend's H, I didn't understand that it would lead to the end of our friendship, He got caught, and she called me and said I betrayed her.
I miss her terribly. I was a horrible friend. I don't know why I did not have the strength to run from her H, to do the right thing, but I miss her terribly. I can't seem to let go of the friendship.
She said she couldn't hang out with me anymore because she couldn't trust me or her H. I understand that. She doesn't understand the depth of the change in me after the A with her H. I have matured. I do not flirt. I do not look at other men, S or M. I understand what friends do or do not do. I have changed so much. It was a life-changing moment for me. I would never hurt her again. I have no desire for her H. The A has ended, and I see it for what it truly was.
I want to know if this relationship might be restored. I called her. She did not answer, but I left a message. She did not call back, but she waved at me when I drove by her house.
I get it. She was and may still be very hurt. D-day was 8 months ago. I did betray her. I was not a friend to her. I chose to be selfish and text her H to gratify my need at the time. But I have stopped. I am making the right choices now. I am leaving him alone. I want to be there for her. It sounds twisted, I know, but we were close before this happened. I just lost it for a while. I came around when the A ended. I am working on my M now, and if it ever goes wrong again, I now have the financial means to get a divorce and live on my own, so I would divorce before I sought out another relatoinship.
I talk my problems over with my H or my mom now. I don't try to buddy up to another man to get sympathy or attention. So I have changed. I would like to help her to get through this. I want her to understand that we were playing a game, and we were not talking about leaving spouses, we were just leaning on each other for a few months. I know that doesn't stop the hurt. It doesn't change the betrayal and lies, deceit, but I believe in 2nd chances.
I understand it was and still is wrong. I just want to talk about it, and to receive forgiveness. If marriages can survive and the 2 parties can rebuild trust, then I wonder if my friendship with her could survive, and we could rebuild trust. If not, I don't know how I'll let go of our friendship. I've been trying for several months, and I can't leave it alone until I know she will be okay. I feel horrible that i can't undo what I so foolishly did.
I believe that we suffer consequences for our actions, but does it have to be for a lifetime? that's sad.