I feel terrible

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I feel terrible
14
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 2:09am

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. Throughout all of our marriage he has cheated on me. I have stayed for one reason or another. We have gone to counseling a couple different times; about a month ago the counselor suggested a couple different options for me. Either pack up my stuff and leave, or stay and have him support me (I am in school and don’t work). I didn’t completely make up my mind on it, I don’t want to stay and give him the impression it’s ok, but I’m tired of his cheating. Besides him having affairs throughout our marriage he’s hardly ever there for me emotionally. I beg him to be there for me emotionally, to listen to me and to talk to me, but he won’t. I have kept everything inside the length of our marriage. About a month ago I met a man, we started to talk. It was strictly on a friendship level. He is too married, but in an even worse marriage. We started to talk more and more and realized we had a lot in common. We got together the last couple days and ended up sleeping together. I can’t believe I did it, I’ve always been so mad at my husband and now I am no better than he is. The thing is I have no plans on telling my husband, or to stop talking to this other man. At least not at this point. I do plan on leaving my husband, I just do not know when. I just have to find the right time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to:
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 8:30am

The thing is I have no plans on telling my husband, or to stop talking to this other man. At least not at this point. I do plan on leaving my husband, I just do not know when. I just have to find the right time.

Not judging here, but you need to be aware that sometimes the timing is not entirely under your control.  You husband could decide to leave you, too, possibly at the most inconvenient time (like during final exams, or the beginning of a sememter when tuition is due, or) ...  Especially once your started an affair, busy bodies may gossip, your AP's wife may find out and make a big stink out of it, etc.

IMHO, leave now.  (You don't have to tell him about your affair).  You may have to find work and go to school part-time, it may take longer to finish school, and you may even have to take out some student loans, but all those things are probably better than being in this marital mess and living under a "D-day time bomb".

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
In reply to:
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 8:54am

If you have somewhere to go leave now and sue your husband for alimony and there are other alternatives for you.. Yes; You could go to school part time or work part time or the other way around..There are many other options instead of staying in this drama.

Not to judge but I wouldnt keep this affair going.. You need counseling to clear your head and move on from toxic people so that you can make better choices in future.

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 12:25pm

Alimony after only 4 years, and no kids?  Dream on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 6:55pm

I like to dream

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 7:57pm

The comment was not directly at you at all, but the "advice": "Sue your husband for alimony".  I simply have no respect for women who keep thinking the road to financial security is through a man.

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 7:58am

I never said the road to financial security was through a man.. You put words in my mouth.. The OP has a child so I am assuming there could be child support awarded.. Besides alimony these days is temporary and its a just a tool to get you where you are going for a short time and why not get what you are entitlted to.

I guess you are one of the lucky ones in that never needed anything from a man...Maybe you are a man..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 11:19am

I never said the road to financial security was through a man.. You put words in my mouth..

Please re-read what I wrote.  Did I say you said that?

The OP has a child so I am assuming there could be child support awarded..

Child support is completely different from alimony.

Besides alimony these days is temporary and its a just a tool to get you where you are going for a short time and why not get what you are entitlted to.

Entitlement.  That's where I have an issue with.  There are many cases that alimony is fair and deserving, but just as many cases that women who contributed little to the marriage believe they are entitled to alimony.  (I am not talking about the OP here).  The downside is sometimes they forget about getting a speedy divorce will be far more beneficial for themselves and their children instead of drag it on and on; and most of whatever they get ended up in paying for legal bills.

This is debate board about affairs.  My first point to the OP is once you are in an affair, some of the things, like when to leave the marriage, are out of your hands.  If D-day arrives, it could easily throw all her plans off.  My second point is while it may be hard to work and go to school, often it is worth it just to get out of a bad relationship.  My last point is I do not respect women who whine about having financial problems and think the solution is staying with and/or finding a man.  I admire women who are self-reliant.  There are women who receive no alimony (some even have to pay off their ex) and single-handedly raise children and build a career.

I guess you are one of the lucky ones in that never needed anything from a man...Maybe you are a man..

It is rather inappropriate and childish to turn the debate and discussion from an idea or a concept to personal attacks and conjectures.  It is sick to think that simply because I do not need to financially rely on DH,  I may not be a woman.  (Likewise, when someone named "Marina" is single, successful, gorgeous, interesting, fun, and gets outrageous dates all the time, she must be "bogus").

Are we giving women so little credit, that people who are self-sufficient are automatically assumed to be men? (Or "bogus")?  How very sad. 

Since this is a debate board about affairs, I will stop here and not get dragged into a debate on women and finance et al.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 4:47pm

I apologize for getting the discussion off topic, but if you read the board description, this is indeed a debate/discussion board.

I applaud your courage and honestly; and no, I don't think you sound cocky at all.  So what are you going to school for and how do you plan to leave him? 

Also, the people at "surviving separation and divorce" board may have better information.  Unlike this one, that is actually a support board.

I wish you the best and hope you will find a way to leave soon, for you and your child. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 7:48am

Because its much easier and selfish to have an affair and have your cake and eat it too instead of moving on and living the truth.

People like to stay in their comfort zones with their spouse and not upset their lovely lives and yet they seek out adventure at the price of others.. i.e. their kids, family , spouse and other wives and want what they want when they want it.

Most people in this world live lies and continue to live lies and dont care who gets hurt...

Then again why do spouses put up with cheaters??