I fell in love with my best friend...opps

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2012
I fell in love with my best friend...opps
Tue, 07-24-2012 - 11:19pm
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I will try to keep my story very breif and just give you the facts so you can give me some advice on this matter......I will start by telling you guys that I have never had or intened to have an affair on my husband let alone fall in love with my best friend.



My Marriage:    My husband is 52 and I am 32 and we have two wonderful boys together who are my whole world......We have been married 9 years and together 11 years...he is divorced with no kids from his Pervious marriage....our courtship was never deeply romantic or whaat I had imagined growing up....but I never really had alot boyfriends and by the time I met him I was still a virgin....anyways I think then I had low self esttem....after high school all I ever really wanted was to settle down and have kids and be a wife and mother....all of my friends were doing just that...so after about a year or so of dateing we talked about marriage and decided to go for it....nothing about our life has been romantic or over the top or magical like i thought....in fact my hsband is kind of emotionless and distant he seems very uncomfrtable with affection and talking about feelings.....the sex is just ok...he is my first so not alot to compare him too...I thought it was normal for it to be slightly painful even after years and can still be a painful experince but that was normal to me.....my husban is not overly consoleing or supportive....we do not sleep in the same bed and haven't in 7 years (thats when our first son was born)...he dose not like to spend alot of time with us and uses work as an exuse or he is tired (sleeps days works nites and will not convert over to our schedule on days off)....he dose help with house work and cooking...he dose "babysit" the kids but makes no effort to help make decsions doctors appointments or any other parenting issues...He is the fun one.....He is not a bad dad the kids love him...he is not a horriable husband..the only fight we have had in the past 7 years is I want more attention and time with him...with our family....I used to be physically attracted to him but know I do not mean to sound mean but when we do try to gt intamate I get disgusted because for the past 4 years (second son was born) he has decided to go back to smokeing ( he quit just before we got married) and they r those nasty smelling big huge hoagie cigars they r expensive and smelly and nasty and honestly disgusting (kissing an ash tray).....Some other backround info on us is that by the time we had our 1st child in march 2005 just weeks before his birth we found out my husband had cancer and I lost my job due to lay offs...my husband was out of work for 9 months while he went to radation and kemo appointments then would come home and be sick or sleep while I worked 2 jobs took care of him and the new baby...I never once whined or moaned I did it cause I loved him...he went back to work 2 months earlier then he should because we had $1 in our account...we ended up haveing to file bankruptcy....Along came # 2 and we thought that this on would help bring us closer together....Well baby # 2 had severe collic and acid reflux so it was very stressful..and it caused a rift....byt the time he was 2 I had a full time job which ment hubby had to take more responsiablity..he did with out complaining...but it took t toll...at first he was great with the kids and helped them with homework school projects everything.....then he got lazy and used tv  and wii games as baby sitters..let them do and say whatever...now they mis beahve and are unruly all the time cause dad lets them so it must be ok.....they are sweet kids....honestly I look so forwar to the days that he goes to work so I can just be with my boys...when we try to spend family time it feels forced and uncomfratable....the kids love it..but we just seem tense....I comfranted him about this a bout a month ago told him ho we felt...we had planned a vacation with my folks just days later.....he had told me months b4 that he could not get the time off....I later found out that he took almost the whole week off....he also told me that there was no way he could take time off to go to his sons bday party...but he took the next nite off to go to some bar with friends....science we have been home about 3 weeks he has spent more time with boys...but we have not tried to have sex or say anything....tonite I tried to ask him if he thought we were ok and he said yea and changed subject....he never tells me I am pretty holds my hand hugs me consoles me or tries to make me feel wanted and loved...he will only say I love you in response to my I love you and even then it usually yea me too or love ya.....am I being silly for not being happy?


Alrite I know that their is no exuse for what I am doing and I do know its wrong but herer we go:


My Affair   It started 7 weeks ago or maybe 15 years ago i high school....Chad (that what we will call him) was my best friend in high school like my big brotheralways by my side and I could tell him everything...after I got married I kinda lost touch with all my friends..anyways I had a crush on chad on graduation day we kissed but thats s far as we ever went we both wanted to but life took us in diffrent directions after that and we lost touch....back in december some things happened at work and with friends and I needed someone to talk to..knowing my husband would not give me the comfront I desired I went to friends on facebook...and we found each other and started talking...it was great I had my best friend back...I was happy..we talk on the phone whlie hubby is at work we text.. we talked and laugh we talked about everything everything...even my failing marriage...he told me I should try to work things out with hubby...go to counseling talk to him..so I did talk to ubby and offered counseling...he would not go he dose not see problems in our marriage...chad said if he was not willing to work then maybe it was time to give up..I told him I did know this is all I ever knew....O told him how sometimes me and hubby can be in the same room and I feel really lonely...about 7 weeks ago we decided to meet and go out to a movie with some mutual friends this was not a date..we had fun..he came to my house a couple of times to watch movies while hubby was at work nothing happend....I took boys on our vacation wen we got back chad invited me over to his place for dinner between friends....it was very nice...then chad told me he was falling in love with me and wanted to make me happy... that I deserved better than the life I had...that I was beautiful inside and outside...all the things I longed to hear for years....I had that warm butterfly feeling....I had been feeling the same thing...but was afraid to act on it...that nite he kissed me and it was the best kiss of my whole life...it felt so woderful...I left his house in tears and would not talk to him for a week..I was confused...I did not feel bad for lying to my husband..and that made me feel bad...after bout a week of me trying my hardest to forget him and get my hubby attention i realized I missed him and talking to him....I atleast needed him in my life to be a friend...so I went to his house to talk to him to try and figure out if we could be friends....we ended up haveing the most amazing sex ever...thats the first time I ever enjoyed it...it was the first time that the person I am with actually showed he enjoyed me too...and when it was done he held and cuddled with me not got up shut the door and left me alone...it was great...science then we have been going out on romantic dates....texting..talking...and being like two kids in love.  ( some times to the point I forget to spend time with my kids)....I have given my friends and family exsuses as to why I need sitters or why I can't talk...we have to lie to be together...he feels guilty cause he taken time away from my kids....we r kind of in a spot rite now where we both know we want to be together we want to make this work....but it sorta seems like everything is stacked against us....I want to stop lying...I want him to meet my kids...I want to get a divorce but I am scared to and can't afford to (we are currently going thur a foreclosure)....I worry about the whole custody thing ( I can not imagine not haven my kids even if it is just a few hours or whatever)....Chad is worried about himself finically (single never married no kids lives with mom)...he worries that he mite not be ready for the whole girlfriend with kids thing......he worries my kids will not like him...we both worry so much.....but neaither one of us can end it...neither one of u can walk away....we have talked about trying to just be friends and working on that and letting him be my friend as well as a male friend for kids ( my kids need some male attention..they do not get alot from dad)...he talked about helping my oldest do some of the boyscout stuff that dad refuses rto do with him ( cause god forbid you take upur mother to boy scout camp)....he said I am worth the wait that he will wait for me....but 1 I worry that if we r just friends he will meet someone else fall in love and honestly I do not think I could watch that I want him to be happy and I know I make him happy and I do not want any one else to make him happy....I also know that we r ok if my kids would be around but the minute the 2 of us our alone its like we cannont control ourselves.....we worry whats gonna happen if someone finds out.....people have been telling us that I could loose custody of my kids for haveing an affair...and this has me really worried....he said I am a great mother and us haven affair has no bearing on the custody battle at all.....but now I am terrified....I know if my husband ever found out about us he would be done...maybe subconciouly I want him to find out so he ends the marriage not me....every one says that me and chad should cool it be friends...let him be friends with the kids...talk to him about everything....but stop with the physical part till the divorce is in full swing...till my husband and I both know its over...till we do not have to lie just to hang out.....but how do I do that.....how do I just stop loving someone...how do I syop the feelings I have for him.....and what if I do take a break and I loose the best thing ever.....what do I do...please someone help me I really have no idea what to do.....we both need your help desperatley bad


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 9:52am
Sounds like a lot of things are missing in your marriage, your husband and you both made decisions that affect the failings in your marriage. You have both shut each other out.

Now you have reconnected with your friend Chad and allowed things to move even further. I won't condemn you for having an affair, I have been there done that. Right now, I know Chad seems like the answer to your prayers, but honestly your relationship with him is so new. You both have so much to learn about each other, so how do you forge forward into a new or full blown relationship? The answer is you can't when it is an affair.

So if you decide to divorce and move forward with the relationship with Chad, how will he look in the eyes of your boys? Will he be viewed as the reason you left their father?
The ideal thing would be to leave your marriage, then take time to heal and time for your boys to heal before a new man enters your children's lives. A couple of big red flags I see with Chad is how he has never truly moved forward I'm life. He still lives at home, he worries he can't handle kids. If your marriage rolls right from divorce to Chad, I worry how the kids will react to this.

Your husband sounds like he is emotionally unavailable, do a search online and see if that fits the bill. Most men refuse counseling, they are afraid to admit their part of the failure and also afraid of having their own faults exposed.

You can't roll back time. Having adding Chad to your life has know magnetized the faults that were in your marriage. As you know there is not going to be an easy answer to your situation.

Please be careful, you have changed your habits others are sure to notice this and may begin to question. Having a discovery day, is not how you want to end your marriage. It is extremely painful for all involved, even your boys.

With Chad as your love now, you will not be able to look at your marriage open mindedly. I think you need to slow the train down a bit. Go ahead and spend time with Chad, get to know him as an adult, not the boy you knew. Don't look at Chad as your way out of a miserable marriage. Look at him as an escape for now, then see where life is leading you, 7 weeks is to short to know if he is going to be that man, or even if he is still the man you thought he was.

I wish you peace in your situation, good luck.