I love my husband....why can't I stop cheating on him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2012
I love my husband....why can't I stop cheating on him?
12
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 6:45pm

So I have quite a story here, and it is with regard to the fact that I can't seem to stop cheating on my husband. I cheated on him before he and I were even married, and I've cheated on him after we were married, and am still cheating on him. What in the hell is wrong with me?!!! 

I have known DH since childhood and we began dating years ago. We dated for 3 years before getting married, and two of those three years we were in a long-distance relationship. I cheated on him with a co-worker of mine, an ex-boyfriend of mine, a friend of his, and a celebrity (not kidding). The time I cheated on him with one of my co-workers, it was a very long-term affair that I had with the co-worker....not just a one time fling. My DH also cheated on me once (that I know of....) before we were married, with a girl I knew. I chose to forgive him and move on, but I couldn't forget, and have always harbored resentment towards him over that. However, I cheated on him before he cheated on me, as well as after, so it's not like I was cheating on him to "get revenge". Yikes.

AND, currently, I cheat on him with one of my current co-workers on occasion. The co-worker lives far away in another city across the country, but i see him a few times a year at meetings, and we have also traveled together. I vowed to stop sleeping with my co-worker last year when I had a baby because I was worried that the baby may not have been my husband's (it was thank god), but sure enough I went to another work meeting a few weeks ago and just couldn't resist sleeping with my coworker (who is also married with a child). Side note: my co-worker is currently in counseling with his wife, as they have a lot of issues in their marriage, but she is such a b*tch to him, I really just don't care about her feelings much.

The thing is, he is a really wonderful guy and he and I have always had a great relationship with very few problems. We never EVER fight with one another, we have a great time together, the only problem is that I have a mild form of vulvodynia (for those of you who don't know what this is, it is an extremely sensitve vaginal/labial area which makes sex VERY painful in some cases), and my DH has for lack of a better term, an ENORMOUS ****, which makes sex very painful and unenjoyable with him. The people I have cheated on him with have all been a better "fit" for me and I am able to enjoy sex with them much more. I avoid sex with my DH like the plague because it hurts, and he and I have tried many different things together to overcome the pain, but nothing has helped....he is just too big for me. 

In addition to the sexual problems, I feel like for some reason while I like monogamy and having a family, I find monogamy to be monotonous, and it's exciting to see my coworker every few months....things with him are very exciting and I am actually able to enjoy sex. I feel like I get a lot of pleasure out of doing something that is considered so taboo, which when I rationalize it, is so messed up.

For some reason, I have always thrived on male attention in my life (and no, I had NO "daddy issues" growing up). None of my friends or family know that I have been a serial cheater, and I am so ashamed when I think about it, but I just can't stop doing it. WHY????? I have such a "perfect" family life and husband and a beautiful child, and a great relationship with all of my inlaws and everything....why am I risking throwing all of it away on these affairs?! I don't get it and I can't understand this part of myself.

Also, I have absolutely NO desire to leave my husband and family for anyone else, I just get such a rush out of these little liasions I have with my coworker, and I can't seem to stop doing it because they make me feel excited and like I'm stepping out of reality for a few days.

Outwardly, I am a very professional, very good looking woman in a high-powered job, and I have a lot going for me in my life....why is this part of me so messed up?

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

 Because you are not messed up.  You have a style that you like and are doing what you want.  It was your decision.  Having made this decision there is nothing wrong with being your self.   You can have your life as you want it.  Many people are like you. They have two lives one a facade of domestic bliss and another wonderful,passionate life.  Enjoy it.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think the only way to find out why you really are like this is to go to a therapist to discuss it.  However, it would make sense if you find sex always painful w/ your DH but you like sex, that you would want to have sex with men with whom it isn't painful.  Have you asked your MD if there is any other way to make sex w/ your DH less painful?  Really that would be terrible for both of you since if he is such a great guy, I'm sure that he doesn't want to hurt you or to have you look at sex as something unenjoyable with him.  I can also see that it's exciting to have these brief affairs.  You contradict yourself when you say that you like monogamy but it's also monotonous.  I think most married people do get kind of bored w/ having sex with their spouse over a long period of time but don't have affairs because either 1) it's against their moral code, 2) they are too afraid their spouse will find out & divorce them, 3) no opportunity--probably a lot of reasons.  How do you think your DH would react if he found out you were doing this?  Do you think he would be fine with it or want a divorce?  So I think if you really want to stop it, then you need help.  Otherwise, the honest thing to do would be to break things off w/ your DH and tell him that since you can't have sex with him without pain, which is no fault of his, that you love him but need to be fulfilled in this part of your life, so you need to get a divorce--unless you think he would be ok with an open marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
So if you dated him for 3 yrs. before you were married I'm assuming you 2 were already having sex. Wouldn't you have figured out that you 2 are just not a "good fit" before you married him? As far as having these little flings, yeah I'm sure there's a lot of married people (especially those that have been married a long time) that wouldn't mind sneaking in a bit of new and exciting sex once in a while, but they don't because they don't want to take a chance on being caught and jeopardizing their marriage. Maybe you just need to focus more on what would happen to your marriage and family IF your husband found out and think of whether these flings are worth losing your family over. You know there's an old verse that goes "whatever is done in the dark will eventually come into the light" And I also think music is right that you should seek some counseling. Maybe you can figure out why you feel entitled to having these affairs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006

I don't think there is something 'wrong' with you, per se.  You are choosing between two things you like (the adventure of the A's and the stability of a loving home life) and you've decided you want both.  The only information you don't have right now is how it would feel to lose the home life.  You know how it feels to lose the A-life (you've tried to be faithful and didn't like it long term), but you don't know what it feels like to lose your home life.  That sort of situation is difficult for many to imagine, but I do know many who have posted here, who have been caught and lost their home lives, lament that 'if they only knew what this would be like,' they wouldn't have chosen to engage in an A. 

So, you intellectually understand that there would be consequences to losing your family, but, I suspect you can't really imagine what that would really feel like.  You understand the consequences for living without an A (you've tried that), but not the opposite scenario.  Some people are good at knowing "I would hate that - I wouldn't want that to happen and will ensure it won't."  Some are not.  Some have to learn lessons the hard way.  Right now, you are choosing to live with the risk of the consequences without really 'knowing' what they are.   If you are sure you could live with the consequences, then YOU have no problem (others do, but they are unaware of that at the moment). 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Xxxs, I do not think you understand that when you are a grown up who chooses to marry someone and take those vows, then that is what you have promised and what you expect of yourself as well as your spouse. A married couple with children are basing a great deal of serious grown up life stuff on those vows. No, it is not just fine to go ahead and cheat and lie and do anything that feels good to you anyway. Honestly, grow up.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

 Says you.  Each person is a free agent.  Who they have sex with is their own choice.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2010

It sounds to me like you might be somewhat self-centered.  And I say that without any judgement, really.  More matter of fact.  It IS self-centered to cheat on someone.  It's thinking of only yourself...not the person you would hurt.  It also sounds like perhaps you are someone who craves attention from the opposite sex.  I would suggest taking some time away from your extra-curricular activities and really think about who you are and what you want in life.  Maybe even some therapy might help, which isn't a bad thing.  If you decide that you're someone who just isn't happy with one person, then perhaps you should be in an open marriage or not married at all.  I do think it's wrong for people to continue staying married if they cannot honor their marriage.  It's using their spouse, in a way, to perpetuate the whole "family" thing when they aren't really living it.  Maybe you just can't be faithful to your husband, or maybe you just can't be faithful, period, but either way, to continue to lie, cheat and betray is eventually going to take a toll on your self-worth.  Don't see how it cannot unless you're a sociopath, and you don't sound like one to me.  Take some time and figure it out.  Then take some action to live in truth.  It's just so much better for you and everyone else. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002

So your question seems to be "why can't I stop cheating?"  Hmmm sounds like you have a wonderful husband and child, home-life and career.  I suppose if you go thru years of counseling you could prob find a few instances that could have caused you to be a serial cheater, but in my humble opionion (and even being of the scientific and medical establishment), sometimes I believe there are those of us who simply were never meant to be monogomus.  Whether you enjoy the thrill of a new lover for the excitement of it all (not unlike the addictiveness of a new drug), or you are excited by the thrill of the chase and the chance of being caught, the fact is you cannot seem to commit to one.  Maybe you fear committment, or are driven by challenge...who knows.  The fact is you choose to act on your desires.  Many many of us have those same desires but are too inhibited or scared or guilty to engage or pursue for very long.  You on the other hand don't seem to have too many feelings of guilt.  You are asking "why" and do not seem to be asking for help.  Well the facts to me in my humble opinion are as follows...You enjoy your family, but it does not satisfy or excite you so you look for that excitement elsewhere.  Others may pick up golf, volunteering, networking, gardening, having parties, etc, but you enjoy having affairs.  It feeds your ego and your sense of fun and adventure.  You don't feel trapped. 

I am not judging you because I think many of us would choose this route as well but for a few important thoughts we've considered like:  who am I going to devastate, when will it end and how, is living a lie that important to me, is the danger and the unknown worth the thrill, and will I lay at home each nite by my husband wondering why? 

I don't think you will ever change.  The sex life with your husband is merely an excuse.  So I guess I would stop focusing on "why" and start considering your future when you get caught.  Maybe you were never meant to be in a monogomous relationship so prepare your affairs so that you can easily walk away.  All your marriage is right now is a safety net.  Some people were just meant to live free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014

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Registered: 12-09-2013



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