I love my husband....why can't I stop cheating on him?
Find a Conversation
|Sun, 03-03-2013 - 6:45pm|
So I have quite a story here, and it is with regard to the fact that I can't seem to stop cheating on my husband. I cheated on him before he and I were even married, and I've cheated on him after we were married, and am still cheating on him. What in the hell is wrong with me?!!!
I have known DH since childhood and we began dating years ago. We dated for 3 years before getting married, and two of those three years we were in a long-distance relationship. I cheated on him with a co-worker of mine, an ex-boyfriend of mine, a friend of his, and a celebrity (not kidding). The time I cheated on him with one of my co-workers, it was a very long-term affair that I had with the co-worker....not just a one time fling. My DH also cheated on me once (that I know of....) before we were married, with a girl I knew. I chose to forgive him and move on, but I couldn't forget, and have always harbored resentment towards him over that. However, I cheated on him before he cheated on me, as well as after, so it's not like I was cheating on him to "get revenge". Yikes.
AND, currently, I cheat on him with one of my current co-workers on occasion. The co-worker lives far away in another city across the country, but i see him a few times a year at meetings, and we have also traveled together. I vowed to stop sleeping with my co-worker last year when I had a baby because I was worried that the baby may not have been my husband's (it was thank god), but sure enough I went to another work meeting a few weeks ago and just couldn't resist sleeping with my coworker (who is also married with a child). Side note: my co-worker is currently in counseling with his wife, as they have a lot of issues in their marriage, but she is such a b*tch to him, I really just don't care about her feelings much.
The thing is, he is a really wonderful guy and he and I have always had a great relationship with very few problems. We never EVER fight with one another, we have a great time together, the only problem is that I have a mild form of vulvodynia (for those of you who don't know what this is, it is an extremely sensitve vaginal/labial area which makes sex VERY painful in some cases), and my DH has for lack of a better term, an ENORMOUS ****, which makes sex very painful and unenjoyable with him. The people I have cheated on him with have all been a better "fit" for me and I am able to enjoy sex with them much more. I avoid sex with my DH like the plague because it hurts, and he and I have tried many different things together to overcome the pain, but nothing has helped....he is just too big for me.
In addition to the sexual problems, I feel like for some reason while I like monogamy and having a family, I find monogamy to be monotonous, and it's exciting to see my coworker every few months....things with him are very exciting and I am actually able to enjoy sex. I feel like I get a lot of pleasure out of doing something that is considered so taboo, which when I rationalize it, is so messed up.
For some reason, I have always thrived on male attention in my life (and no, I had NO "daddy issues" growing up). None of my friends or family know that I have been a serial cheater, and I am so ashamed when I think about it, but I just can't stop doing it. WHY????? I have such a "perfect" family life and husband and a beautiful child, and a great relationship with all of my inlaws and everything....why am I risking throwing all of it away on these affairs?! I don't get it and I can't understand this part of myself.
Also, I have absolutely NO desire to leave my husband and family for anyone else, I just get such a rush out of these little liasions I have with my coworker, and I can't seem to stop doing it because they make me feel excited and like I'm stepping out of reality for a few days.
Outwardly, I am a very professional, very good looking woman in a high-powered job, and I have a lot going for me in my life....why is this part of me so messed up?