I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
I need advice
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 5:25pm

About 6 months ago i started working closely with a male co-worker who is unhappily married and i am in a relationship that i have not been very happy in as well. I am attracted to this co-worker and hes attracted to me. At first it was innocent we would go to lunch and talk about our problems in our relationships and compare notes. Recently about a month and a half ago we started going out for drinks after work and of course we had to lie about it to our significant others. Last week we went out and we kissed for the first time and he said he has been thinking about me ever since 6 months ago and i felt the same way. That night my boyfriend caught me in a lie and i told him the truth about my co-worker minus the kiss. This past weekend has been hell with my boyfriend as i said i would stop seeing my coworker outside of work which i also told my co-worker and he didnt want it to end but i said it has to because its just plain wrong and i dont think its going anywhere good. So its monday morning said co-worker has called in sick and i think i realize that i do have strong feelings for him and im not sure i want to continue in my relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 7:43pm

I am not against the idea of having an affair in general, but would strongly advice against conducting one at the workplace.  Some companies have policies againt employees having romantic relationships (to the point that they even discourage single people from dating each other).  Some are more relax, but there are simply too many things that can go wrong which would make the work envirnonment awkward for you and others around you.

If you are not happy in your relationship, is there any reason that you would not end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 07-14-2014 - 11:57pm

You have two different problems.  You're in a bad relationship, you're not happy in it.  So, get out of the relationship!  That's a no brainer.  The affair is a whole other problem.  First of all, an affair with a co-worker is a big no no......some companies actually forbid it.  But even if they don't frown on it, what happens when you two get tired of each other, or his wife finds out and causes trouble at work......and trust me, many do!  Even if he says his marriage is unhappy, maybe HE's the one that's unhappy, and his wife is clueless that she's married to a cheater.  I've never heard a cheater say that he's happy at home......it would be kind of hard to get women if he said that.  I've known men to have long term affairs with NO intention of ever getting a divorce.  My ex was one of them!  He was with someone for 5 years...and I got sick of it, so I divorced him.  BUT, he begged me not to, he told me how much he loved me and the children, he even threatened suicide.  He didn't commit suicide!  He totally ignored his sons, and didn't pay his child support.  Meantime, he married again within a few months, NOT the 5 year affair woman, a different one.  She divorce him too.  Get your life in order......end your bad relationship, and get out and make new friends and get happy THAT way.  In 99% of affairs, the woman is the loser.  And the longer you stay with him, the more it will hurt when it ends.  And always remember, a cheater is a cheater.......and if they cheat WITH you, they will cheat ON you eventually.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 2:52am

You stop contact with the coworker while you figure out if you want to stay with your bf. If not, then end it with him before you start seeing anybody else. It is kinder to him and you will feel better about yourself too. Meanwhile your coworker can decide what to do about his marriage without you confusing the issue. I realize that it will be hard because you have been having an emotional affair for months but you really need to try to separate the problems.

If you and coworker want to resume your affair, find out what the company policy is, like others said it may be forbidden meaning one or both of you could get fired. At the least its usually awkward when coworkers date and then break up. And since your AP is married you will probably get labeled as a home wrecker, even if he initiated things. Unfortunately the woman seems to get more blame and scorn from the coworkers...and believe me, other people in the workplace notice what's going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 12:40pm
So you have feelings for a man you work with. This is what happens when we allow our boundaries to loosen and start discussing too much of our private lives with our co-workers. My dad had a saying "Never sh*t where you eat". IOW don't mess around with co-workers, especially M ones who "say" they are unhappy. If he's really that unhappy, tell him to put on his big boy pants and man up and leave his W, you leave your bf and start a new relationship built on honesty and trust. Don't leave your boyfriend for MM, leave because you are so unhappy that you are looking to someone else to fill your love bank. Don't believe everything that comes out of MM's mouth. They lie. It's the only way they can be M to one woman and hiding the fact that they are sleeping with another. Strengthen your boundaries with MM before you "catch" feelings. The moment a MM gives you information about his M, you are crossing lines that you shouldn't.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 10:02am

1)Your mess + His mess = A Bigger Mess.

2)Aren't you smarter than that? (Prove it.)