I'm a 42 yr. old female and he is a 26 yr old younger guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
I'm a 42 yr. old female and he is a 26 yr old younger guy
10
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 3:13pm

I will try and make this short and to the point.  I am married to a man that told me about 3 months ago that he is not "in love" with me anymore but he still loves me.  Well after being married to him for over 17 years and having kids hearing those words come out of his mouth cut my soul to the core.  It might have actually been less painful to me if he would have just taken a knife and stabbed me straight in the heart.  He is basically wanting to stay married for the sake of the children and just have sex with me when he pleases and forget about making love cause that hasn't happened in years.  I am not happy in my marraige at all since he said those hurtful words to me.  Anyways I did what any normal aging 42 year old woman would do........I found myself a younger man.  He is 26 single and as hot as hot can be.  I met him in February and we only met once and kissed and planned to meet again.  Well we finally met again yesterday and had sex and it was the best sex I've had in years.  He made me feel like I was in my 20's again.  I could really be with him everyday and would want to have sex with him atleast twice per day if not more.  He is so sexy and just makes my toes curl.  My problem is that I know I couldn't give him any kids of his own and he will want kids one day.  I don't know if I should keep seeing him and risk getting hurt or should I just put my big girl panties on and try and work stuff out with my loveless husband?  Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009

Hello.

Sorry to that your husband said those hurtful words to you. Must have been very painful. I have a few thoughts for you to consider. Past few years have been interesting for me to say the least. Not sure how my experiences will relate to you but if anything give you somethings to think about. Sometimes just being able to voice your thoughts to someone helps a person find answers.

First off if I were you I would avoid anymore contact with this new person in your life. That is some advice that was given to me and  I did not take. In my case its been a road of some great joy and also great sadness, A emotional roller coaster that I would not suggest to most people

Sounds to me like there is some soul searching and reflecting on your current marriage. From the sounds of it you are reacting to your husbands hurtfull words to you. Reactive behavior is seldom good. I do understand your pain and fustration.

After all the things I have been through in my life ( bad marriage and a affair ) I strongly encourage you to avoid having a Affair. Especialy for the reason you starting to have one for.

Panty Up Girl and and deal with your husband first! Resolve that issue. You have tasted the waters of what could be with another man and if able to catch yourself a young guy. I would guess you should be able to find yourself a good man after your figure out what to do in regards to your marriage. Simply put if your Husband dont want you ...I am guessing you will find a man who will. So either fix the marriage or get a divorce.

In regards to the younger man. Dont do that. Sure I am sure the sex was great. Any decent sex is much better than bad sex with person who just does it for their own satisfaction. My biggest concern for you the age difference. I have experience with this. I am a 46 yr old man. I married a woman when I was 33 and she was 42. At the time the age difference was not much of a issue. The reason my marriage failed was not because of a age difference but I will say that looking at how things are now there are times now when I wish back then I would have thought more about that. In your case he is 25!   thats a huge age gap. If your just looking to have some fun and sex. Well enjoy him a few times and end it. But when you say things about your concern of not being able to give him kids that rings alarm bells to me!

While I do not know you I would say this to you. Actively address your issues with your huband now!  Think about things and your life. Be prepared to be on your own an not just side step into another mans house. If you want change...then make the change. Dont let time slip by. I was 42 when  I had my Affair and now I am 46...tick tock. I am running out of time for what I wanted in life. Dont let that happen to you. But do yourself a favor, Dont make any rash decisions based on fustrations and if you do venture out. Get a MAN close to your age. At 25 the guy your seeing now is still a boy

 

 

 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

I am seeing two issues here - your husband and your infatuation with your hot rebound guy.

For the first issue, you need to decide if you want to divorve or not.  "Staying for the kids" is your husband's excuse to have his cake and eat it, too.  Kids are not stupid.  Kids also learn from parents what to expect and how to behave in a relationship.  You are not setting a good example for them by tolerating a disfunction, loveless relationship.  You might want to consult a lawyer what your rights are if you choose to end the marriage.

I do not see any problem with a May-December type relationship at all.  The problem is the CIRCUMSTANCES you are in.  I am sure after being married to someone for 17 years and after hearing those hurtful, selfish words, anyone decent would appear to be attractive.  In other words your current ability to gauge a relationship (and its potential) is clouded. 

Unlike the PP, I am not going to tell you to stop seeing this younger man completely provided:  1.  Having an affair is not going to place you in a disadvantaged position should you choose the divorce route (some states take these things into account, some couldn't care less, hence the consultation with lawyer).  2.  Not harbor too much feeling and expectations with this younger man.  Sometimes having a hot younger man can provide the comfort and support and self-estime boost to get you through a challenging period of your life, but more likely or not he is just a rebound man.  You are both adults, and the only advice I can give is be upfront and honest about things.

You also don't have to choose between your husband and this younger man.  You have more than two choices.  Who is to say you won't meet someone who is sexy and hot and wanting kids down the road?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I heard similar words from my ex after 13 yrs of marriage & 2 kids when I was about 40.  ("I don't know if I ever loved you."  Even his sister said "well you didn't force him to get married, did you?"  I can see how you would be devastated.  I certainly was.  It really didn't cross my mind then that it was possible to have sex with a much younger man.  I got divorced & dated guys my own age.  Just because he wants to stay married "for the kids" doesn't mean that you have to go along with that.  I do not think I could stand to stay married to someone who had already said that he didn't love me.  I would suggest couples counseling to talk about your options--maybe you could get to the root of why your DH thinks he doesn't love you.  I really think a lot of men just go through these mid-life crises and don't know what they are talking about.  I also think that the boy toy is a nice distraction and kind of revenge sex but he's not going to help you decide what to do with your marriage.  After I got divorced, I developed a crush on my single boss, who is my age--thankfully I didn't express my feelings and he didn't know what was going on cause I'm still working for him 16 yrs later.  In the back of my mind I always knew that he wasn't the guy for me & it was only getting my mind off being lonely.  You aren't going to end up with a 26 yr old.  There's a reason that young guys go after older divorced women, one reason only--the sex.  A 26 yr old guy  isn't really thinking of settling down & having kids but when he does it will probably be with a woman his own age.  I doubt he is thinking of long term with you.  so if you can just have fun with him, that's one thing but I think it will just double your heartache being rejected by your DH and then another rejection by the young guy. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
Thank you all for your responses. I haven't heard from the 26 year old since last Tuesday when we met and had sex. He did send me an email that Tuesday night saying that today was awesome but that was the last I have heard from him Maybe he didn't think that the sex was that great. Who really knows. I do know that my feelings are really hurt because I haven't heard from him. My husband and I just argue and fight all the time now. Life is so short and I sure don't want to be stuck in a love-less marriage the rest of my life. I am going to see how talking with my husband about how bad he has made me feel from saying what he has said to me. He has no idea how bad he has hurt me and my ego. My ego is now down someplace close to hell. I haven't felt this low in a long time. Now not hearing anything from the 26 year old just put the icing on the cake per say. I will try this weekend to see if I can get anywhere with my husband. I will never tell him about my fling since that is all it was as of now is a fling since we only had sex once. I just don't know if I can get myself to even want my husband again after what he said to me. My husband used to tell me all the time how pretty I was and how naturally beautiful I was and I didn't even know it. He always would grab my rear and tell me how fine of a butt I had. I miss those times so much and he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore. My husband hasn't paid me a compliment in over a year. I can't live with someone who doesn't find me attractive anymore. I just can't. I don't see the point in staying with someone who makes me feel so incredibly bad about myself. I'm so freaking upset and sad now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009

I hope you stick to your plan of talking to your husband about your marriage and how much he hurt you when he told you those hurtfull words. While I do not believe couples therapy is the answer to saving marriages. I do think in your case it is worth checking into. Could not hurt to explore marriage consouling. If your husband is unwilling to go then that may show he truely does not care about your feelings. You may get lucky and find a good therapist and both you and your husband will be open and honest with each other.

I do think it best you avoid talking and seeing the younger guy. While some people can have affairs and sexual encounters with no emotional connection or guilt. I dont sense that you are that type of person. In my opninion all it will lead to is more heart ache for you. Your husband hurt you and trying to cure that hurt with someone just for sex will most likely not work. Will just lead to more hurt and sadness.

You have just  gotten a small taste of the sadness that lays ahead if you continue with the 26 yr old. Trust me that even if he calls you with some reason of why he has not contacted you and he wants to see you again. It will happen again.....and again. If you think you are sad now. Believe me there it will get worse.

My advice to you is confront your husband with the issues you have and your feelings. If the response is not what you desire then take some time to think about what you want in life. If you want something in life that your husband is unwilling or can give you....then seperate and get moving on a divorce.

Life is Short and not meant to be lived sad, depressed and fustrated. Find the will and strength in yourself and fix your life. Move on and find yourself a man who loves you. Avoid the boy toy. Maybe in the future you will decide to be a "Cougar" and stalk the young guys....lol  But right now it does not sound like that is what you need or should do.

 

Hope this helps and you find some happiness soon..........     sure wish I could

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013
I do want yall to know I really do appreciate all this advice. Don't think I need to worry about the 26 year old anymore since I haven't heard from him. I've deleted all the emails and I am closing that door to my life. I must have been nuts having sex with him and thinking I wouldn't like him and get attached. I'm really sad about him but not nearly as sad as I was when I was 19 and I let the love of my entire life get away. Now that sadness of loosing him haunted me for decades. I just want to kick myself in the rear for hooking up with a 26 year old.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009

I think you have made a very wise decision. Dont kick yourself to hard on your fling with the 26 yr old. If anything you know what life could be and that you are desireable to men. We all learn things in different ways. Some like me haveto learn lessons the hard way. I am glad it did not take you months or years to see the reality of things.

You sound like you are a good person at heart. Work on being happy with yourself and life. Come to terms with your husband and marriage.  Either stay or go. I am sure you will find someone better suited for you.   

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2013

Well it doesn't look like me and my husband are going to make it last anymore.  He is just fine with things the way they are and does not want to go to therapy with me.  I just can't stop wondering what I should do now.  I think my husband will come around but not sure when he will.  While I wait on my husband I want the 26 yr old again.  I'm not going to ever get any younger and my life right now is so incredibly boring.  I go to work, come home, argue with husband, go to bed mad and upset, skip to next day and repeat.....that is my sad life.  I actually like to go to work everyday to escape my home life.  I am so old fashioned and think the man should contact the woman so I don't want to be the one to contact him first.  I know all of you say to stay away from him because he will break my heart well he already is tearing me up by not contacting me.  I want him again so bad I can hardly stand it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004

Well if you wanft to shake things up and get rid of the boredom then I wouold suggest that you confess to your BH what you have been up to with this yourng man. He might like a younger woman also. At the very least it would make your life more exciting for the both of you..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002

Ohmy, if I was a bettin woman I would say the two of you will make it!  I rarely sugar-coat things and if i think somethin aint gonna work, I'll be the first one to say it!  But look, your man said he's not so much "in love" with you now, but he still does "love you".  What that tells me is that the "in love" times of ass slappin, sexy side-ways glances across the room, getting dressed up for a night out, and spontaneity, have stopped. Theyve been replaced by kids needs, bills, worries, jobs, etc.  But that "in love" can definitely be brought back if there is still plain old "love".  But this is up to you and you alone for a bit.  And it will be worth it cause you both will remember why you fell in love in the first place, then keep the fires burning.  Think about what you did or wore or acted or said, when he would playfully grab you.  And how you responded.  Did you giggle, sit on his lap, whisper in his ear, wink?  How about when you found him irrestible?  Was it the way he dressed or talked, smoked a cigarette, held your child, looked at you?  Reach deep and as soon as you see that beautiful part of him let him know.  Respond to him like you used to. Flatter him a pinch like you used to.  I know it will be hard because at first it will all be up to you.  But I  promise he will catch on as he figures out how the treat system works! 

I know the excitement of having sex with a new young guy is so enticing.  But I truly think the fun of growing older with the man of your dreams is so so much better.  Just think...to be 70 years old and your sweetie is still grabbing your ass and smiling to his friends like he is the luckiest man in the world is priceless!  Its what we all want: to be the queen of our men's dreams.  And I still believe you can have that.  Its up to you though to work hard.  DON"T GIVE UP!!!