I'm Having an Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2013
I'm Having an Affair
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 3:24pm

Hello All:

Well, this is  my first time posting to this board. I'm not sure why I am posting. I guess I just want to see what others have experienced during their affairs. A little background on me. I will be 30 this October and married my husband shortly before my 25th birthday.  We just recently celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary.  I have been seeing another man for about a month now. We met when we were both out with friends one night and there was an intense, immediate connection.  He is not married. He has an ex-wife and two children with her. My husband and I do not have children, however, he does have an ex-wife and a child with her (they share joint custody).  This man did not pursue me, rather I pursued him. About two weeks, before we began seeing one another, my husband and I had had a conversation about exploring the idea of an open relationship. But we were in the process of moving so we put the conversation on the back burner until we were settled into our new house.  Then I met this guy and well I have been seeing him and talking to him since. We have not slept together, but it is only a matter of time. I am definitely emotionally involved with this man.

My husband is a good man but I fell out of love with him a little over a year ago. I told him this and we worked on some of our issues but in the end I reasoned that there aren't a whole lot of nice guys out there and I don't feel like going through a divorce so we stayed together. I am no longer physically attracted to my husband either. He looks exactly the same as when we married but I have just lost all physical attraction to him, this I have not told him, as it would hurt me very badly if my spouse told me this. 

I don't feel guilty about the affair, I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty, make sense?  I am extremely happy and want to badly to be with this other guy.  I want my husband to find out. And honestly, I think he knows, he just isn't ready for that conversation.

Any thoughts?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 5:09pm

You shoulld have that conversation with your H sooner rather than later.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 6:14pm

Yes it makes good sense.  We absorb so much junk growing up that it would be unusual not to have a twinge.  i recommend the open relationship talk and advanced birth control.sterilization talk asap.  I have had FWB's,lovers etc and find honesty to be most important.   People feel free.  It is up to you to talk it all out.  


Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 1:57pm

I agree that you should re-visit that open-marriage discussion with your husband.  You may be surprised. He might like that idea.

Be prepared, however, for your affair to wan after that. Affairs are exciting because of the secretive, sneaking around nature of them and sometimes by the fact that you don't get to see each other as often as you think you would like.  So every time you meet up again, you activate the lusty chemicals. It never really passes through the stage of lust to see if it is a relationship that could survive the light of day.  Take that all away, you might find that it is not all that exciting any more.

It's easy to get caught in an affair..just leave a hot and steam text open for your husband to happen upon.

You say you'd be hurt if your husband said he no longer found you physically attractive. How would you feel if you happened upon a text that your husband left open for you to find because he wanted you to find out about his affair?

Often times people do not feel guilty about their affair while in the midst of it, but mark my words, it will come...and bring you to your knees.

If you are no longer in love with this good man, let him go. There are a lot of women out there looking for a good man.  I'm one of them ;)

You are doing him a disservice by staying in the marriage just because YOU don't want to go through a divorce.  Have a discovery day visit upon you, and you could very well find yourself going through a divorce...like it not.  

You affair partner has nothing to lose...you could potential lose it all.

Good luck,


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 09-11-2013 - 2:40pm

You strike me as someone who is ruled by what she wants in the moment.  You got married at 25, and less than 5 years later "I'm not interested physically, let's try an open marriage, no I don't want a divorce but I don't want you either, maybe if I just do this he'll do that and then I don't have to actually do anything. . . "

What is the point of marriage, in your opinion?  In 20 years are you going to be one of those people who just lurched through life from one person/feeling/mood to another?  Where is your backbone and compass??

Find a center to your life and make your decisions from that center.  Get some strength to make *real* decisions, not just a series of passive-aggressive behaviors.  if you want to be married, act married.  If you don't, say so and move on.  This is what adults do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 5:24pm

I think the open marriage idea is out in this case.  I have heard of a few friends trying it, and it always always always blows up when one partner develops feelings for an outsider.  The few cases I heard of that do work have partners who work very hard to remain emotionally unattached to any new people.

I think what you are experiencing is fairly normal in a marriage.  After several years, things get boring.  The sex often gets pretty dull, and the attraction often fades.  Of course, there are exceptions to this, but I'd say it happens a lot.  The main thing to think about is that if this is your type of personality, the type who gets bored fairly quickly, it will be this way with any person who commits to you the rest of your life.  If the guy you are dating now becomes your new husband, you will probably feel the same way about him 5 years from now.  

So you have to decide what type of person you want to be, and what sort of life you want to live.  My sister gets bored quickly.  She was married and divorced 3 times by the time she was 40.  She has finally decided that she just needs change so she's not getting married anymore, but she will move on to a new partner about every 4-5 years.  It seems to work OK for her, but she also does not let herself develop any deep emotional connections to any of them.  

Or, you can realize this will always be something you have to face and resign yourself to a lack of passion in your life.  That might be pretty hard to swallow at age 30.  I'm getting closer to 40 now and I could finally see myself trading sexual and emotional passion for a steady, loving (but unexciting) partner, but at 30 it would have seemed like torture.  The hormones were raging too much then!  But many of my friends admit they have learned to settle and that it is worth the perks that come with the stability (nice homes, nice cars, frequent vacations, somebody who knows them well).  

It's your choice to decide which path you want to take.