Involved with two men

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2013
Involved with two men
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 2:27pm

I'd been with guy #1 for several years, but our relationship wasn't moving forward. He was still living at home, taking his time finishing college (8 years to be exact), always starting fights, and lying to me over both big and little things. He had a lot of growing up to do and I was getting frustrated, as I want to be settled, sharing responsibilities, getting married, having more kids (I'm a single mom). I suggested we take a break to reevaluate and during that time I met someone else. 

He's a single dad, independent, wants the same things I want. Perfect match, right? But emotionally I guess I just wasn't ready. I missed the good times I'd had with guy #1 and he was working hard to prove to me that he could get his life together for us. We continued talking, then hanging out, all the while he's been this amazing man I wish I had years ago! I put off anything romantic for awhile but before I knew it I was involved with both. 

I'd hoped that as time went on, it would become clear who I should be with, but I've only been digging a deeper and deeper hole for myself. Guy #1 is doing everything right and treating me like a princess, we laugh and joke and get along like I can't do with anyone else. But I worry that as he gets more and more comfortable, the same issues are going to start popping up (the anger, the drama, etc.).

Guy #2 is wanting to move things forward and I do have a great time with him, but it's just different. I find there's a whole new set of challenges dating someone else with kids, as his son and my son do not get along. His son bullies my son and gets away with murder...he might get a time out every now and then but there are no real consequences to his actions. It's almost embarassing to bring him places as he's such a loose cannon and does whatever he pleases. Guy #2's ex has also confronted me on numerous occasions in front of the kids, causing a scene and threatening me to stay away from them. As much as I enjoy being with Guy #2, there are a lot of outside factors influencing our chances of having a future together too. 

I feel like there are so many good things about both of them though, that it would be hard to be without either. I didn't intend for this to go on as long as it has, I felt like I would test the waters to see what the best situation was for my son and I and go in that direction. But that epiphany hasn't happened yet, all I know is I can't continue on with both of them forever and I need to make a decision. I know I've been selfish and I do want to commit myself to one person and give it my all...never in a million years did I think I would ever be in a situation like this. I'm not getting any younger and I want to have that lifelong relationship, but I don't know which way to turn. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 4:51pm

  Dump both.  #2 is a sure no go.  #1 is a toy.  it is time to take control of your future.  Now you may need some time to deal with what you really want and what steps you will need to achieve it.  Remember that in the real world that we now inhabit financial planning needs to be put in the for front.   Out of our emotional wants there is a reality that runs along side.  If the emotional dream takes control ........................


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 5:41pm

I agree w/ xxxs--neither one of them sounds right for you.  No. 2 is definitely a no because of the child issues.  If you see that he has no discipline for his son, what would happen if you married him & had kids together?  The household would be in an uproar, he wouldn't be able to handle the kids.  Also, yes it is definitely harder to merge families where both have kids but if someone already has kids, at least you can see what he is like as a parent.  Why would you want to be with someone who is not a good parent and especially since his son doesn't like your son, you need to protect your son from that.

With no. 1, how long has it been since you have been back together?  What exactly has he done?  Has he moved out of his parents' house, has he finished college & gotten a job?  Or is he just acting nice for now?  It's pretty easy to put on an act for a few months to win someone back (does he know he has competiton now?) but if you were together for years, that is his real personality--he's probably going to go back to the way he was.  And again, if you had a lot of fights & drama with him, why subject yourself to that again?

Better to go out & find someone new who has the good qualities that you want.