Is it fair to ask him to discard his wedding ring?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2014
Is it fair to ask him to discard his wedding ring?
16
Fri, 03-21-2014 - 8:06pm

H everyone - X has had marital problems for a while and signed the seperation papers anout 2 months ago. I am not the cause. He has spoken to lawyers and is trying to expedite the process. He talks about the future, building a family with me and is hoping I will stand by him until the divorce is finalise (approx. November). For some reason the topic on the wedding ring came up last night. I am requesting for him to discard it before to prove his sincerity; he however said he wants to keep it until things are officially over. Am I being unreasonable to demand that? 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2014
Fri, 03-21-2014 - 11:19pm

My opinion, I believe your being very fair in asking him to discard of the wedding ring.... 

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

When you say discard it, do you mean not to wear it or throw it out?  Technically he is still married, whether or not he is wearing his ring.  I think that he needs to come to this decision on his own--you have spoken your opinion and should not force it on him, but you can observe how he reacts to your wish.  When I was getting divorced (my idea) I did stop wearing my ring before the divorce was final--one day I just decided to take it off, it was not a certain event that precipitated it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 11:11am

Yes, because until he's divorced, he's married.  And until a divorce is final, it can be cancelled.  If you're not the cause of his marital problems, then you don't know him very long, and it's way too soon to make demands, and way too soon to be planning a marriage.  If he wants to continue wearing his wedding band, that's HIS decision, not yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2014
Thanks for the responses. If one thinks the marriage is over and has plans to start a new life with someone else, why is the ring significant? Isn't that the same as "cheating" or lying to themselves and the new person involved? Isn't divorce just yet another piece of paper to legalize something that's no more?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

If divorce is just a piece of paper, then a ring is no more than a sliver of metal, so why does it bother you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2014
Because the tangible holds sentimental value. I see it as insincerity. He wants me all to himself but he would not do the same. He wants me committed and I don't get the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Mon, 03-24-2014 - 11:18am

"He wants me all to himself but he would not do the same. He wants me committed and I don't get the same."

This is what it is like to be in an affair. He is not committed to you. You are the one waiting in the wings, the reserve option, the rebound. If that wedding ring were not a giant red flag to you then I do not know what it will take.

If this is good enough for you then ok. If you want more out of a relationship you will have to look elsewhere. All the promises in the world do not outshine the reality of ones actions.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

I think it is a reasonable 'request'...not a reasonable 'demand'.  And the more we push people, the more they tend to dig in their heels.  

Removing that ring whether he really wanted to or not might be painful for him, and I think you will need to be more sensitive about this final act.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Wed, 03-26-2014 - 11:42am
I can understand why you would want him to discard the ring since he's moving on and that chapter in his life will be over. However, I don't think you should stress or push him to do it. He'll do it when he's ready and in his own time. I don't know how long he was married or shared alife with his soon to be Xwife but she was a part of him at one point. I'd say be a bit more understanding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2014
Thanks for all responses and insight. I know I should be more sensitive and understanding about this but I am finding it hard to deal with it. He kept on talking about a future together and even put together a plan, but I feel that a part of him cannot let go of the past. The separation period will end in mid-May, then the divorce papers will be signed. Till then, there will be lots of contact between them and for some reason I cannot stand the thought of it. I know it is completely irrational, selfish and immature but I just want him to show me (in his actions) that he is sincere. How do I deal with this?

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