For the mistresses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012
For the mistresses.
10
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 1:33am

I'd just like to ask, ever want to tell the wife what's going on? I sure wish someone would have told me something during that time. there are two sides to every story, While he might of talked about how unhappy he was to get sympathy, he wasnt the only one that was unhappy.  i would have left sooner and started my life over again. Why should he get to have that emtionial connection with someone else while I'm supporting the family? the OW got the best part of my H while I got The drunk. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 8:38am
First of all, let me say I'm sorry for everything your going through. My husband felt the same way, and now that we are rebuilding, those friends of mine that knew can no longer be part of my life. That was a deal breaker for him. I won't go into the ugly story that lead to my telling the wife, but I did, and boy was it a mistake. At first she was glad I did, but then my xAP lied enough to convince her it was all me. I fully accept my responsibility in this horrible thing, but I wasn't there alone. He was my first affair, I was his 10th or so. Yet she blames me. And continues to stay with him. So, bad decision to tell her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:54pm
Thank you. I understand that it wouldn't be easy to tell the wife, I commend you on doing so. Never know how they will react and the H would be MAD. I know that it isn't the mistresses fault she was just there to lend a sympathetic ear which turned into more. I knew he had something going on but without concrete evidence I was only accusing him which made him mad. I found a photo once and man, he had a believable story. Always said I had nothing to worry about. Truth is, he knew that if I found out, he would have something to worry about. He said I should of felt lucky because he would never leave me. She broke off the relationship because of that. How does that make me feel better? I ended up leaving him for other reasons since I only found out about the extent of the relationship after I left. I can understand why someone would fall for him, he is a great guy. Now I'm hoping there are no secrets between us, as we have gotten back together. I still don't fully trust him. After all, he got away with it for over a year. He confessed during our separation, five years after the affair. He is a pretty flirty guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 7:07am
Board, I wouldn't say that you made a mistake. I think telling her was quite honorable considering the mistake you made by having the A. Believe me, she knows that it wasn't all you. She knows that it takes two to tango. I have been on both sides of an A and when my XH's mistress told me about their A even though I didn't understand how she could sleep with a MM for so long I knew that it was my XH that I was M to. She may not be grateful now she will look back and thank God that you told her. The mistress telling me made me get my head out of the sand and make a decision about the M. I ended it by having an exit A (not a good idea to end it that way). But I was so glad that I ended it. And Daisy, if your DH is a good man who made a bad choice believe me he is feeling like the scum of the earth for cheating on you. If you plan to stay with him the two of you have to work hard to make your M air tight so that each of you are getting your needs met from each other and there is no need for either of you to seek someone else. Your H's emotional attachment should be with you. The OW could have been any woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 12:04pm
I must have confused you, myrasfriend. I'm not the mistress I'm the wife that got cheated on. I wish the mistress would of told me. After all if she wanted my H she could of had him. I would have kicked him out. But truth is I think that my H had some reason why he wouldn't leave me for her. He told me that she had lots of money and she was willing to support him if he left. I just wish I had the right to say what I wanted. He made the choice for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 1:00pm
Not sure why my post isn't showing up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 1:14pm
Myrasfriend, I may have confused you. I'm the wife, my H had the affair. I wish the mistress would of told me he was cheating. She could of had him. If he really wanted her that is. I would have kicked him out. From what my H did tell me, she had money and was willing to support him so he could move. I tell you that damn Internet makes it hard for a person to stay faithful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Fri, 11-30-2012 - 3:34am

I'm currently a OW in a relationship with a MM for 2 and a half years. I've thought about telling his wife but I've also wondered how she could not know! He is with me most evenings and spends several hours each weekend with me. I think that she must know and chooses to ignore the signs that their marriage is in name only. How can she not know? Did you not feel that something wasn't right? I find it hard to believe wives or husbands don't see some sort of clues. I think the security of a marriage with the house and two incomes and status quo is more important to most than facing the fact that the marriage is dead. No one wants to be the bad guy and end it so they keep up with the pretence. Its not the OW that is responsible. She is just a symptom of a failing marriage.

If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 12-02-2012 - 1:38pm

  Have you thought that she knows and wants it that way?  Many women and men know of the lover and do not get upset because it allows then to do things that they like.  Not everyone considers H/W having other sexual partners a big deal.  Most do not want to leave the M but enjoy the excitement and fun.  Many people in life are not on the same playpage.  That is how life is. 

   Telling your lover's W/H is what?  Revenge? 

 "Its not the OW that is responsible. She is just a symptom of a failing marriage."

    That is just arrogance.  You have no idea of how the marriage of another is truly situated.  Ascribing your "values" to another is hubris.  Accept that you have/had a lover.  And that now you want it over?  Accept yourself as a human being.  And accept other as human too.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 12-03-2012 - 11:58am
jorgee_gal, you really don't know what kind of M they have or whether she knows about you or not. Cheaters become such good liars (me included when I cheated) that we can convince the world that we aren't cheating. Some spouses love with blind faith and could not even imagine that their spouse is cheating. You are making an assumption that they are staying M for the sake of staying M or for status quo. I stayed with my XH and although I had my suspisions it was a long time before I actually knew. I loved him and your MM's W probably loves and trusts him to a fault. Also when some ppl make a commitment to M they take it very seriouse and want their family to remain intact. I can only wonder why you would settle for being the OW while he goes home to his W. Most women who settle for this type of arrangement have serious committment issues themselves and miss out on an authentic and true relationship where they don't have to share and sneak around. When I was M to XH, I would have loved to have the OW tell me. I often have wondered how a woman can hide out like that and believe the MM's lies and not want the W to know the her H loves them so much. Spending hours with someone really isn't a lot of time in the long run when he is spending every night with another woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2012
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 4:17pm

"Its not the OW that is responsible. She is just a symptom of a failing marriage." Wow! Really? The OW may not be 100% responsible but she needs to take responisbility for her part in it. Bottom line, if you know a man is married and you sleep with him...you are a homewrecker. Period. 

Besides that, you have no idea what he is/was telling his wife the nights and weekends he was with you. He may have said that he was working or helping a friend or family member. You were the fool that allowed him to be away from his wife. I am so tired of homewreckers talking about how stupid the wives are for "not seeing" what he was doing. We are not stupid, we chose to believe our lying husbands while they were sleeping around