My situation...Large areas of grey ..... what do u think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2013
My situation...Large areas of grey ..... what do u think?
5
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 11:48am

So we are both married with kids.  We work together and flirt alot, and flirt very intensely.  He is a huge flirt, flirts with other girls, i am more reserved and may slightly flirt with other guys but I only flirt intensely with him...like very suggestively we flirt.  We have met up a few times after work and fooled around....bjs....no full i/c.  (although I would love to lol)  Has been like this for over a year.  Have become good friends, confidents,  Has been a great ego boost as I don't have best self esteem (obviously?).  Is meant to be casual, abit of fun, noone gets hurt.  

I know we will never be in a relationship...like an exclusive us together relationship though I may fantasize about it sometimes I know it will never happen and it would destroy both families.

There have been times where I've initiated getting together and theres been times it has been him that initiated it.  He has told me i am the only one he messes around with.   I dont text often as I try to play it cool, and don't want him to think i am obsessed with him...I do have my own busy life....sometimes though he will reject my offers and that I do not like at all!!   If he doesnt reply to a text I don't take it personally.....i assume he is busy-hes got  his own life.  He is a bonafide player.....the sweetest, sexiest, charming guy.,...he can do no wrong.  I feel like I can act a certain way with him and that he doesn't judge me like h does.  

I know it is morally wrong but my relationship has not been the best.....been through sooo much you wouldn't believe. There is no excuse for lying and cheating but then it isn't all black and white is it....there are large areas of grey.   what my ap brings to my life is an awakening of passion.  a different kind to that what i share with my hubby.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004

Why not discuss it with your H?  He might like some on the side also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009

"There is no excuse for lying and cheating but then it isn't all black and white is it... there are large areas of grey." No, there is no grey at all, it really is just black and white. You got it right the first time when you said there is no excuse for lying and cheating. The rest is bs.

What exactly are you getting out of this? I can see what your cheating partner is getting out of it but what about you? Is it merely the ego boost to your rock bottom self esteem that you are so desperate for? How will your esteem be affected when your husband discovers your betrayal? And since you put all your self esteem on this player at work how will you feel when he tires of you and moves on to the next conquest?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002

I guess I don't know what it is that you are asking for or posting for.   Just to describe your relationship and get support?  Or for others to guide you?  I guess my response would be that it seems both of you understand this situation is going no where and is strictly for short term pleasure.  As long as you can handle that then enjoy yourself.  However you mention that it bothers you when he doesn't respond to you, or is unwilling to see you.  Already, then, it appears things are a bit lop-sided. I just would caution you to remember what this sounds like it is supposed to be:: fun and games for two married people who have no expectations or plans for a future.  I know I sure couldn't handle that ( I fall in love at the drop of a hat!) But I wish you well as you proceed with eyes wide open!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Yep, you are right. Your self esteem is at rock bottom. What is so fun about giving a man bjs and getting nothing in return? Find a way to start loving yourself and not getting ego boosts from throwing your dignity it the wayside. There are no streaks of grey in your situation. This is so sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2008

There is no bray here.  It's all black and white.  You are both lying and cheating on people you committed trust and faithfulness.  Let it go.  There is nothing in this for you but shame and pain.  Let it go.  You are making a big mistake that you will regret until the end of your life.