Never thought I was capable

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Never thought I was capable
7
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 9:54pm

I should have known better than a marry someone from a rebound relationship! I had just broken up with my ex-sig other of 20+ years. I had become depressed after the death of my only child and since I was "no fun anymore", my ex felt justified in taking up with another ( a real bar skank and I AM being polite here). I then met my now-husband who was as different from my ex as a person could get. He swept me off my feet with trips, flowers, dinners, the whole bit. He seemed to like the same things I do - camping, boating, hiking, attending craft and music festivals, etc. Plus the sex was fantastic! When he proposed I happily said yes!  A little before the wedding I started having doubts but brushed them off as "cold feet". A mere month after the wedding I knew I made a huge mistake. My husband is NOTHING like the man I dated! Sex virtually disappeared, he is a couch potato who does nothing but sits around after work and eats junk food!  I am the opposite - extremely active and I despise TV! About a year after being married we moved, along with the animal sanctuary I run. My husband was completely unhelpful  with the move and did not support  me emotionally at all! Plus since my husband is still paying on his house (a real crappy place and it will be a miracle if it EVER sells), I am paying for ALL the bills here, which are triple of what I used to pay at my old place. I do it all - pay the bills, work full-time, cook, clean, take care of my animals,etc. While he sits on the couch after work and stuffs himself. getting fatter and fatter.

So last summer I when  needed help with relocating the animal sanctuary I run, as well as with the move and  I put out the desperate call for help, my friend (now lover) answered my plea. All summer long we worked to get the move done and the sanctuary set up. We were just friends although the chemistry was always there.

Now I am 53 and my lover is 43. However, I have known this man for a few years and we we only connected via Facebook a few years prior.

The sex life with my husband still really sucks and I have always had an extremely strong sex drive. Still, I did not initiate the affair. I was prepared to simply do without, after all, it is not like I am some hot young babe! To be honest, I didn't resist my lover's tentative advances either. The sex is simply incredible plus we have the friendship relationship.  I do love this man, but I am not "in love" with him, whereas he is head over heels in love with me!

Ideally, I want my husband out of my life, but I have invested way too much money into this pace and unfortunately both our names are on the deed. I think I would like to live by myself for a change, although my lover would certainly be welcomed to visit! I get the feeling though my lover wants to move in with me! I haven't a clue as to what to do next.

This is CRAZY! I would never have believed I was capable of cheating just like I would have never believed I would be so dumb as to get married to someone I am so obviously incompatible with.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 1:10am

Your husband could be suffering from depression. The symptoms mirror his behavior--becoming lethargic, negative, overeating, etc. Antidepressants and psychotherapy might bring him back to the wonderful guy he was when you dated him.  It's worth a try.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 4:54pm

I suggest seeing a lawyer with part of what you have written here.  Depression may have had some thing but I sense fraud.  Yes romantic fraud both sexes do it.  Then one the marriage is done they now feel safe in becoming the person they really are.  Many people misrepresent who they really are when trying to win.  He wants to have comfort.  You want adventure.

    Rebound relationships have a lot of problems.  Now a lawyer can help you get unstuck.  AS for your lover do not let him move in or monopolize your free time.  Date others bed them if you like but wait until you become your own person before moving in or settling down with anyone.   It takes a while to learn ourselves.  Mean while enjoy the life of adventure that you enjoy if hubby won't come along then leave him home.

  You wrote about your ex.  Do you notice a similarity?  You mentioned that he thought you were "no fun anymore".  Now you have a H that is "no fun anymore".  Possibly because "fun" to you has a different definition

chaika

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 1:20pm

We all learn as we get experience.  I too like being alone.  I have learned that I do not want to be married(BTDT).  I can have friendships both platonic and sexual.  But I prefer to live by myself.  Perhaps in your state an annulment is possible.  I think seeing a lawyer and taking action is the way to go.   He was not the man you thought he was when you married.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2011
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 2:30pm
When you see "critters"....like Grannie talked about on the Beverly Hillbillies???