No Judgment Please--Need Advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2013
No Judgment Please--Need Advice.
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 12:09am

This is my first time on here.  I will try to keep it simple.  Basics:  I'm 30.  Two kids.  Work full-time.  Live with bf of 10 years & father of my kids.  Not happy.  Lots of trust issues.  Not in love but I do love him of course.  I meet someone at son's daycare January 2012.  Messaged him on FB and we started talking around 3/2012.  I was off work at the time we hung out, literally hung out.  Talked for hours.  Never did anything.  He told me he wasn't in any serious relationships after his divorce (which was pretty close to when we met).  But he was seeing someone.

He knew I had a bf.  We have been talking ever since.  A year and a half.  We've obviously gotten more serious.  We started messing around about 8 months after we met.  In that time frame he obviously was seeing someone on a serious level because after the first time we hooked up he immediately told me he felt bad and couldn't do it again.  So we stayed friends.  Talked a lot.  Met up about 2 weeks later and we hooked up again.  We kept hooking up like every 2 weeks but no sex.  Just like third base middle school stuff!  It was fun.  We were having fun.  But everytime he would say he felt bad and couldn't continue this.  But then we'd end up seeing each other again.  This has gone on and on and on but he's finally stopped saying he feels bad about seeing me.

He thinks I broke up w my bf bc we did have a big fight and I just failed to tell him we got back together.  Ever since he has thought I have been single he has been totally different.  Showed up when he knew I was out somewhere w my kids I think to make sure I wasn't with my bf (not in a creepy stalker way) and wanted to come over to my house (which he never wanted to before for fear of getting caught) and some other minor changes I see.

But today was pretty big.  I said we couldn't see each other once he got married (oh yeah he got engaged a couple months ago and seen me 2 days after he proposed) and he said marriage is only a document and didn't understand why we couldn't see each other.  I really thought that would be the end of our affair.  I said he should know how expensive divorce is and all he said, "last time I did okay it was only $3k" which leads me to believe, is he getting married to get a divorce?  He has never talked bad about her always said how nice she is and how great she is with his son.

But he works crazy hours and rented his house out and moved in with her.  She helps w the kid a lot and I think it's just a convenience thing.  He can see his son more because she is there and his son loves her so it's like, easy I guess.  I just am sick of over analyzing everything and need an outsider's perspective.  Some of my friends say he's a player and some are like, he is dropping hints and you are not giving him anything.

Then he said he believes third times a charm and we can't mess around anymore when he meets his next chick.  Not sure if he was just trying to get a response out of me but I totally blew it off.  Kinda upset me thinking I am not good enough for him to consider being the third?  Not that I wanna be his third marriage know what I mean.  I don't even know if we would mesh well outside of sex.  We meet up and have the greatest time together.  We sneak around and meet in strange places.  I don't know if this is going somewhere or what..just looking for some advice..if any is out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 1:26pm

Seriously, can't you do better than this for your life?  The guy just got engaged and is already talking about getting divorced?  Well he probably will once his DW finds out that he's a cheater--if not with you I'm sure it will be w/ someone else.  And did he tell you why he got divorced?  So he feels guilty to cheat when he thinks you have a BF (why?  cause he's afraid the guy is going to come & beat him up?) but it's ok when he's engaged?  It's nice for you to think that he's only getting married "for convenience"_-hey if he wants a nanny, he could just hire one.  I just think he will say anything you want to hear so that you'll continue the affair.  And why would you want to be his 3rd DW when he thinks marriage is "just a document" and you can cheat on your DW & that would be ok?

If you are unhappy w/ your BF, then do the right thing--split up with him and go find someone you can be happy with and not just the woman on the side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2013
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 1:51pm

You make all good points.  Points I've been battling with everyday since all of this started.  I really think sometimes you're in the wrong place at the wrong time...with the wrong person.  We really have a connection I just feel like we're both in serious places in our lives and we're both "scared" to leave what we know and take a chance.  I don't like change and I would be horrified if I tried and it didn't work.  He seems like a great guy...beyond all the cheating mess we've gotten ourselves into.  Can it really be just sex?  Or will someone eventually get feelings and...get hurt?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 7:19pm

You have got to stop seeing this guy and find clarity on whether you want to stay with the father of your children, or not.  This guy (aside from his obvious shortcomings) is clouding your vision.  Would you really want to be with someone who seems to take marriage so lightly?  I think you are in the fog of the excitment, especially after 10 years with the same guy, not married, and with someone you obviously met when you were young. 

Not saying what you should do, or not do, with your BF.  Just saying you need to really take a hard look at the R with your BF without any distractions.  That means NO CONTACT with this other guy.  Period.  Check out Ending your Affair Support.  Even if you don't post, start reading. 

Good luck and I really do wish you well. 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2009
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 10:51am
Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 12:20pm

I completely agree with musiclover.  This shows a serious lack of self esteem on your part.  You need to fix your relationship before you do anything else.  By fix, I mean make it better, or end it.  If you're in a bad relationship, you're harming your children, as well as losing more and more self respect.  Once you decide what you're going to do in your current relationship (and depending on which state you live in, you may be married and not know it, which would then require a divorce!).  Once you decide if you're "in" or "out", then you concentrate on making a good life for your children and yourself. 

Along the way, lose the loser!  He cheated on his partner with you, then he married his partner!  Nice!  But he still wants you on the side.  You think you're worth more than that?  Of course you are!  Why would you want to be his "third"?  So he could then cheat on you?  He is nothing more than a little fling because you're not happy at home.  Fix THAT situation, and then get on with your life.  You have an obligation to yourself and your children to live a happy life.  If it's with your partner, great.  If it's be it.  It will never happen with this jerk you're involved with now.  Remember the old adage......if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you!