Online Affair going RL

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Online Affair going RL
9
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 5:13pm

I'm here because I need help. I need input, common sense, any advice. I've been married to my H for just over 15 years and it's been a very rocky road.  He's had lots of health issues and mental ones. He's always been very controlling and demanding, especially sexually to the point where I would be in tears in the bathroom. He has cheated on me with at least 8 other women that I know of/have seem proof of. He used to go to strip clubs a lot. He has serious issues with sex that have caused so many bad arguments. He will not tolerate my opinion so I keep it to myself, he gets very angry at times and lashes out. He has not hit me but anytime you lay your hands on someone you love in anyway is just wrong. I've always fantasized about leaving but he's told me I can't get away and he'll go after whoever I'm with and then bring me back. He has frightened me badly. Over the years I've dispaired and just numbly exsisted day to day.  He has made it so where I can't even go anywhere unless he's there. Last summer I met someone online in an MMO game (massively multiplayer online) and we had such a connection. We discovered that we are alike on a lot of things and had such a good time together. OM was so understanding and kind, gentle, things I had never had. As we learned more about each other and spent more time talking, webcamming, we fell in love. I don't say that lightly. What I feel for him and vice versa is unlike anything I've ever felt. It is wonderful and glorious and heart melting.

It's been eight months since we met and we've been talking about meeting. He has mentioned it here and there for some months now. OM has a bad situation himself. His girlfriend of 16 years has cheated on him twice and made some very unwise decisions regarding there kids. OM has told me he had given up on that relationship a year before he met me. He has been waiting until his kids were legal age (this year for the youngest) and then he's out. I had told him it was similar for me with my kids. After these months, which know haven't been very long, we have been talking about not waiting. I would have to wait 7 years. I don't know that I can live  with my current situation that long, to be bluntly honest. I have been to my limit for sometime now, over a year at least. He has been at his for longer.

I know what I'm doing is shameful; I never wanted to be the other woman and he never wanted to be the other man. We both feel bad for the way this is/will affect the people around us and how morally it is bad. He has told me, "You can't help who you fall in love with." This is a truth for me now.

Things have gotten very bad where he lives. He has been out of work for months and not been able to find a job. He has to rely on  the girlfriend to pay the bills, which bugs him because he wants to work. Very soon his internet will go off because she doesn't want him to be able to talk to me. The same has already happened with his phone. Very soon we will not be able to talk for an indeterminate amount of time, until he works out something.

I love him and I know he loves me. I have never felt anything like this. I do want to be with him but I have some worries. My H will become violent if I try to leave. He will threaten bodily harm and me and any man I'm involved with. He has said he would wait for as long as it takes to get his revenge. He has threathened to kill himself if I leave. He has threatened me. How can I subject the OM to this kind of craziness? I am scared.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 8:10pm

This is not a good situation. First off you have only met this other guy online and are living a fantasy of what it would be like to be with him in real life. He has been out of work for months and is gf is supporting him. Realistically if you left your H, who would support you and your kids? Do you work and earn enough to support yourself , your kids and HIM? Who knows when he'll find a job right? And you can't possibly know what this guy is like to live with in real life. The fact that he hasn't had a job for a long time should raise some red flags alone. Now to your marriage, you are desperate to get out from under an abusive husband, and ANY man that shows you any kind of love and positive attention is going to look a lot better than being with an abusive husband. What you need to do is GET OUT of your abusive marriage and be out on your own with your kids for a while before you even think about jumping into a relationship with some guy you don't even know other than what he's told you about himself online. Believe me there's a whole lot you don't know about this guy right now and you'd be foolish to even consider running off with him. You need to forget about that idea completely and do whatever it takes to get away from your husband first, and then maybe down the line when you're divorced and settled in on you own with your kids and stable, you can think about meeting this guy sometime, ideally when he finds a job and can contribute financially to your relationship. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 9:51pm

This is a sad post.  What you really need to do is find a domestic violence hotline or counseling service in your area and enlist their help in getting out of your abusive marriage.  If your DH is controlling & abusive I don't know how you think you'd really be able to have an affair on the side w/o him finding out--and this is something that really would set him over the edge.  I think most DHs if they found out about an affair would be hurt & angry but wouldn't resort to violence--he quite likely would.  Haven't you read stories in the news about a jilted DH who goes off & shoots the DW & her BF?  You should start the process of leaving before your DH starts looking on line or on your phone or however you communicate w/ the OM or before OM's GF calls your house.  This is such a dangerous situation for you.

And I really have to echo what Peacyma says that it's possible that this guy might turn out to be nice but having fantasy relationships w/ someone you have never met is not the same as knowing someone IRL.  He could also turn out to be nothing like what you thought he would be like--and if he doesn't have a job, are you going to support him & your kids?  I mean there are a lot of people who are out of work now & can't find a job but you have to be realistic.  How is this going to work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 1:49am

Thank you for your input on my situation. I realize I didn't express myself very well but that is neither here nor there. I do realize that interactions online are of a fantasy type nature as not many people online are completely honest about themselves. I guess I was also looking for some understanding, you know, "Hey, I understand how you feel."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 1:50am

I'm grateful for the advice and would like to say that I've started making arrangements for a more safe future on my own. I will be taking time for me and making sure my home is safe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 8:18am
It seems as though you really don't want advice or truth about your situation. You do need to call an abuse hotline and deal with getting out of your abusive M before you do anything. You have found a fantasy guy who is feeding you lies online to escape from what you really need to do, and that is get out of your M. You are being very naive to believe everything a man says whom you have never really met in RL and you are setting yourself up for another dysfunctional relationship. The best advice I can give you is to get yourself mentally and emotionally healthy. Find out why you stayed with a man who violated you so badly. Find out why you couldn't find the strength to get you and your children out of the abuse before seeking a fantasy life. Your children deserve a mom who is healthy and have them in an environment that is safe for herself and them. Meeting a stranger online and believing that you have some kind of fantasy over the top relationship is not healthy for you. An A releases chemicals in your brain and body that make you think you have this higher than normal connection and chemistry. It's because of the secretiveness of it. Once an A comes into the real life light you will realize that you are flawed for having an A and your AP is just as flawed for cheating with you and you will have to deal with finding the real issues within you that made you deceive your partner and his. I know, because I used an exit A to end a very bad M. Even though I love my 2nd H (formerly AP) with all my heart, we would have never made it 18 years if we both hadn't found out why we cheated and fixed it through counseling. First get help for yourself and then your children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 8:33am

I resent the comment that I don't really want help. As of last night I called my parents and explained my situation to them as they hadn't been aware of the seriousness of it at home. As of this morning I've called a lawyer and a therapist (who are prepared to help me exit safely) per the advice given on here. I am waiting to tell the OM the fact that I need time to straighten my life out and that he should do the same, apart from me. I came HERE looking for advice and maybe a little sympathy, maybe a little, "You've got a hard road ahead of you but you can do it." Rest assured, even thought I didnt get that, I did get the advice I was hoping to get, the kick in the pants to do the better thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 11:23am

I am glad to hear that you are taking advice to get out of your bad situation--that's really the most important thing.  Once you are on your own then you can figure out if you want to continue the relationship w/ the OM.  I'm not saying that it's impossible to find love on line--many of my friends met their BFs through OLD sites.  It just adds a lot of complications when both of you are in relationships.  Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 6:08pm
I really am glad to hear that you are taking positive steps to get out of your abusive marriage. It sounds like you have the support of your parents and I wish you a safe exit from your situation. And yes you do have a hard road ahead of you but you can do it with the support of your family, your lawyer and your therapist and I wish you the best. Good Luck
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 10:16pm

www.thehotline.org