Please help me.... I am in love with my married ex-boyfriend
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|Wed, 03-27-2013 - 5:48pm|
I haven't been on this forum in years, but I am back here today because my emotions are simply eating me up and this is simply not healthy anymore. I don't know what to do or how to walk away…. (and, I am in tears just simply writing this)
I am in love with a man who is married, and I cannot make myself leave or walk away from him. Here is my story.
I met him 10 years ago. I bartended, he came to my bar with a friend of mine who knew him from college. I'll call him Jay. It was kinda love at first site, that kind of feeling when I saw him. Huge crush. He felt the same, and asked for my number, and we dated for a few months. He works in a job that requires him to travel the whole world. Sometimes he is gone 3 days, sometimes he is gone 3 weeks. Sometimes he finds out last minute that he is going on a trip and is leaving the next day. So, its kinda difficult to have a relationship with someone that travels this much, so I am not surprised our relationship didn't last.
We kept in touch. For a while there, I would get a random email from him, about every 6 months. We would meet up at a local coffee shop and catch up. There were a few times in these random meet ups, that he would come to my place and we would catch up and be intimate. But, mostly it was an encounter at a coffee shop that didn't end up with intimacy.
Then, about a year ago. I hadn't heard from him at this point, for a good year, or two, or maybe three? It was a while, and prompted me to email him and say hello. So, I did. Turns out he wound up getting married and he is "doing well". He lives 4 hours away.
I was disappointed he got married, but I was happy for him. We reconnected, and talked through FaceTime on our iPhones and caught up. I learned a lot in this conversation. The biggest thing was that he didn't have kids yet? I knew how badly he wanted to have kids. Turns out he is not very happy in his marriage. I don't know his wife, but it sounds like she's a gigantic pushover, who controls everything. It sounded like he married a woman who pulled out the whip and makes all the decisions. He even told me that he broke it off with her at one point because she didn't want to have kids. However, she came back and said she "changed her mind" and long story short they got married. Guess what - she doesn't want to have kids anymore. Now she is married, she doesn't want kids, but yet "she is going to have them regardless" at some point? It doesn't even make sense. Sounds manipulative to me.
I actually felt bad for him, learning about his marriage and all the details and I know how badly he wants to have a family.
Anyway, he and I got into a few long conversations. One of them was about the last time I had seen him prior to his marriage. One of our last coffee shop encounters. He asked me to design something for him (i work as an artist) and I met up with him at a local Starbucks. What I learned recently about that encounter was that he really wanted to see me. He didn't need anything designed or created, he wanted to see me and he made up an 'excuse' to see me. (and I'll never forget the TEARS I saw in his eyes when he looked at my hands and saw a diamond ring - it was a 30th bday diamond ring for my right hand I had bought for myself.)
So, this basically opened up the flood gates and I told him - "Jay, you never need an excuse to see me. I always want to see you. I always want to be with you. I had such a crush on you, and I've always loved you. But, I got the feeling that you only wanted to see me once every 6 months, so I never pushed anything, and I never asked for anything. I figured you were always traveling, so I went on with my life."
We continued to have lengthy conversations and talk openly about how much we cared and loved each other, and that we lacked the communication years ago. We really opened up to each other. And, that's when I noticed how strong my feelings were and that I loved him deeply. I knew I loved him, but i always accepted that he would be the type to only come around every few months, so I never allowed myself to really express these feelings.
Remember that mutual friend that introduced me to him, I mentioned earlier in this post? He and I were talking about some things that happened that involved her, and it is VERY obvious that she was extremely jealous and did a lot of meddling between him and I, in the beginning. I have some anger towards her now, even though he and I are the ones really responsible for our relationship, but I just feel like she could have helped out a bit - she knew exactly how much I loved him, and she could have been a different friend, rather than a jealous and selfish friend.
So, in the past year, I have reconnect with him on a very high level. I have even seen him a few times, and yes, our encounters were sexual. Highly and awesomely sexual. Everytime we talk we tell each other how much we love each other and care for each other.
Never in a million years, would I have thought I would involve myself with a married man, but here I am. Madly in love, and cannot stop thinking about this person. Here is the part that is killing me… after all of this, he has not yet picked up and left his wife.
Is this just a fantasy I am in love with? I can be a rational person. I can be reasonable. Am I simply in love with the idea of him, maybe this isn't real, maybe none of this was supposed to work out. I keep going back to the "what if's" and I keep trying to move on. But, as soon as I hear his voice (or see his emails) on the other end of the phone, I get all those butterflies, and I drown in my love for him. He and I both feel the same way. We both tell each other this. There is a gigantic amount of love in there.
Its all tearing me up inside, and I hate it. I want him to leave his wife. I want him to love me and only me, and me forever. It feels like it could be right, but yet he won't leave his wife?? We've been going on like this for a whole year.
Someone please help me, cause I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this, and I cannot cannot cannot make myself tell him goodbye.