Please help me.... I am in love with my married ex-boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Please help me.... I am in love with my married ex-boyfriend
18
Wed, 03-27-2013 - 5:48pm

I haven't been on this forum in years, but I am back here today because my emotions are simply eating me up and this is simply not healthy anymore. I don't know what to do or how to walk away…. (and, I am in tears just simply writing this)

I am in love with a man who is married, and I cannot make myself leave or walk away from him. Here is my story. 

I met him 10 years ago. I bartended, he came to my bar with a friend of mine who knew him from college. I'll call him Jay. It was kinda love at first site, that kind of feeling when I saw him. Huge crush. He felt the same, and asked for my number, and we dated for a few months. He works in a job that requires him to travel the whole world. Sometimes he is gone 3 days, sometimes he is gone 3 weeks. Sometimes he finds out last minute that he is going on a trip and is leaving the next day. So, its kinda difficult to have a relationship with someone that travels this much, so I am not surprised our relationship didn't last.

We kept in touch. For a while there, I would get a random email from him, about every 6 months. We would meet up at a local coffee shop and catch up. There were a few times in these random meet ups, that he would come to my place and we would catch up and be intimate. But, mostly it was an encounter at a coffee shop that didn't end up with intimacy.

Then, about a year ago. I hadn't heard from him at this point, for a good year, or two, or maybe three? It was a while, and prompted me to email him and say hello. So, I did. Turns out he wound up getting married and he is "doing well". He lives 4 hours away. 

I was disappointed he got married, but I was happy for him. We reconnected, and talked through FaceTime on our iPhones and caught up. I learned a lot in this conversation. The biggest thing was that he didn't have kids yet? I knew how badly he wanted to have kids. Turns out he is not very happy in his marriage. I don't know his wife, but it sounds like she's a gigantic pushover, who controls everything. It sounded like he married a woman who pulled out the whip and makes all the decisions. He even told me that he broke it off with her at one point because she didn't want to have kids. However, she came back and said she "changed her mind" and long story short they got married. Guess what - she doesn't want to have kids anymore. Now she is married, she doesn't want kids, but yet "she is going to have them regardless" at some point? It doesn't even make sense. Sounds manipulative to me.

I actually felt bad for him, learning about his marriage and all the details and I know how badly he wants to have a family.

Anyway, he and I got into a few long conversations. One of them was about the last time I had seen him prior to his marriage. One of our last coffee shop encounters. He asked me to design something for him (i work as an artist) and I met up with him at a local Starbucks. What I learned recently about that encounter was that he really wanted to see me. He didn't need anything designed or created, he wanted to see me and he made up an 'excuse' to see me. (and I'll never forget the TEARS I saw in his eyes when he looked at my hands and saw a diamond ring - it was a 30th bday diamond ring for my right hand I had bought for myself.)

So, this basically opened up the flood gates and I told him - "Jay, you never need an excuse to see me. I always want to see you. I always want to be with you. I had such a crush on you, and I've always loved you. But, I got the feeling that you only wanted to see me once every 6 months, so I never pushed anything, and I never asked for anything. I figured you were always traveling, so I went on with my life."

We continued to have lengthy conversations and talk openly about how much we cared and loved each other, and that we lacked the communication years ago. We really opened up to each other. And, that's when I noticed how strong my feelings were and that I loved him deeply. I knew I loved him, but i always accepted that he would be the type to only come around every few months, so I never allowed myself to really express these feelings. 

Remember that mutual friend that introduced me to him, I mentioned earlier in this post? He and I were talking about some things that happened that involved her, and it is VERY obvious that she was extremely jealous and did a lot of meddling between him and I, in the beginning. I have some anger towards her now, even though he and I are the ones really responsible for our relationship, but I just feel like she could have helped out a bit - she knew exactly how much I loved him, and she could have been a different friend, rather than a jealous and selfish friend. 

So, in the past year, I have reconnect with him on a very high level. I have even seen him a few times, and yes, our encounters were sexual. Highly and awesomely sexual. Everytime we talk we tell each other how much we love each other and care for each other.

Never in a million years, would I have thought I would involve myself with a married man, but here I am. Madly in love, and cannot stop thinking about this person. Here is the part that is killing me… after all of this, he has not yet picked up and left his wife. 

Is this just a fantasy I am in love with? I can be a rational person. I can be reasonable. Am I simply in love with the idea of him, maybe this isn't real, maybe none of this was supposed to work out. I keep going back to the "what if's" and I keep trying to move on. But, as soon as I hear his voice (or see his emails) on the other end of the phone, I get all those butterflies, and I drown in my love for him. He and I both feel the same way. We both tell each other this. There is a gigantic amount of love in there. 

Its all tearing me up inside, and I hate it. I want him to leave his wife. I want him to love me and only me, and me forever. It feels like it could be right, but yet he won't leave his wife?? We've been going on like this for a whole year. 

Someone please help me, cause I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this, and I cannot cannot cannot make myself tell him goodbye. 

:(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

After that "design" meeting at the Starbucks, why didn't he contact you again before he decided to marry another woman?

Now, what does he say about his marriage? Has he ever said that he plans to leave his wife?

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

I'm sorry to break this to you, but if he wanted you, he would have found you years ago.

First of all, he met you when you were bartending . Alcohol was involved.  You only lasted together a few months.  Mostly he traveled and had a life without you.  You went and had a life without him.

So a few years ago he made an excuse to see you and when he saw a diamond ring on your *right* hand, he didn't say, "So tell me about your fiance"? He just *assumed* that an engaged woman wouldn't mention anything about her fiance and would wear her ring on her right hand?  And then he tells you his wife duped him with respect to kids, she is so controlling, manipulative, yada yada yada?  Really, there should be an encyclopedia of things men say about their wives to make themselves seem vulnerable and taken advantage of.  I'm not saying men are cads - I certainly don't believe my husband is! - but the list is well-worn for men who are looking for reasons to stray  Their wives are nitpicking, bossy, too tied to their friends, too career minded, too home-minded, too involved with the kids, too uninterested in kids, they're best friends but there's no spark anymore, etc etc etc.

Please. . . get over this guy.  You are emotional and physical comfort when things are not going as planned, but you are not THE ONE for him.  If you were, he would have found ways to show it years ago.  And please stop kidding yourself.  If you truly were happy for him being married, you would have recognized that single women don't seek out old boyfriends on Facebook. Please respect yourself enough to leave this situation.  I really hate seeng women who don't have respect for themselves.  I have a lot of sympathy for human weakness, but you asked for help, and this is my advice:  cut it off, believe that you can get over him, and move on.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

You've heard the expression "any port in a storm?" Well, this guy isn't happy and he's looking for somewhere to land. You happen to be a known quantity and he'll park in your port if you say yes. Do yourself a favor: say no.

If he was available when he was single and didn't commit, he's sure as heck isn't going to commit now. He's playing you for a fool. Stop being his fool.

Get moving. Wave bye bye to the IDEA of this guy and go find a real man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006

I told him that he should have called me first and cleared up any feelings he had in the past with me, prior to getting married. All of this would have been easier if he had done that. But, he thought I was mad at him. That last time I met him at starbucks (when we had that so called "design meeting"), he thought I was mad at him. He didn't elaborate on why he thought I was mad.

I did tell him (initially in an email, later on in person) how much I loved meeting him, when we used to meet at Starbucks. I wrote a whole long 3 page email on how I loved designing (it was a logo) that project for him, and how he never really needed an excuse to see me, I would have traveled the world to see him. That this is how much I loved him. He responded, in an email, (we later talked in person about all this) and explained that he was extremely upset to learn I wasn't mad at him at that starbucks. He said he hid his face under a hat at work, and cried like a baby and couldn't contain himself. He said he couldn't believe that things panned out the way he did, and that he actually married someone else. 

Now, about "what he says about his marriage and possibly leaving his wife" - he said initally he wanted to go home, and make "things right". Meaning, he wanted to see a therapist with his wife, and he wanted to talk to her. He wants answers about being decieved (he feels decieved, he broke it off with her cause she didnt want kids, then they get back together cause she wants them, they get married and now all of the excuses to not have kids are coming out. He's very angry about that. I would be too.) So, he hasn't fully come out and said "I am leaving her, and this is when I am leaving". 

I have multiple emails telling me he is planning on having me in his life in the future, permanently. 

He has told me a few things about her, and in those things he has mentioned it sure sounds to me like she either IS or has cheated on him. (i wont get into the stories, they are long) It can't be a very good marriage. 

Did I mention, they have only been married 2 years? Such a young marriage. 

I would really like to be in a place emotionally, where i can say "either you leave your wife, and we begin a new relationship, OR, I walk away from you and we never talk again." - I can't just be his "friend". I would have to walk away completly. 

The problem with this statement, is that I am assuming the result is going to be that I have to walk away from him...... and that feels like SUCH A HUGE loss, I don't know how to contain myself with just the thought.....

If I can get myself into an emotional state where I can safely say this, and be ok with the outcome that doesn't favor me, then I can move on from him. I don't know how or where to find that strength to say this to him. 

thank you for listening, its helping to calm me down just go back and reread this post. But, I'd still like opinions and other's insights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006

This is exactly what i needed to hear... thank you! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006

thank you! this is what I needed to hear... its like the heart is sooo strong and it clouds your judgement.... 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

"I am assuming the result is going to be that I have to walk away from him...... and that feels like SUCH A HUGE loss, I don't know how to contain myself with just the thought."

It doesn't sound like you have that much now so it may not be such a huge loss. Occasional stolen moments with a man who is already commited to somebody else. No certainty that there will ever be more. A guy who wasn't willing to work to win you when he had the chance--He thought you were mad at him so he gave up on you, disappeared and married someone else?

Re-read your posts, trying to see it through impartial eyes. It sounds like he knows what you want to hear and he's stringing you along. All the stuff about his wife is so awful and deceitful etc, bottom line is if he didn't want to be with his wife he would have already left her. You deserve to have someone who is completely honest, and completely available. Find the strength to be good to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I do have sympathy for you.  It's hard to love someone & feel that your love isn't returned in the same way.  Let's assume that this guy isn't being purposely manipulative and does have some feelings for you--it doesn't necessarily mean that he is going to leave his wife though.  My best friend went through a situation like this.  She knew this guy for years cause their kids were friends so then both families were friends and did things together.  she eventually got divorced--had nothing to do with him.  It was not unusual for them to hang out as friends, even just the 2 of them.  One day he told her he loved her--they started an affair.  meanwhile since she actually knows the wife and sees them together, she knows the marriage is bad--they constantly fight, even in front of other people, my friend thinks the DW has some kind of mental problem, maybe depression, the guy is always talking about how unhappy he is at home, so my friend thinks that maybe when the youngest kid goes to college (in a year or 2) he will finally leave his DW and be w/ her--well it never happened.  This went on for years.  It wasn't always a constant affair.  sometimes they wouldn't see each other for a while.  The guy is also an orthopedic surgeon who treats my friend & her family so sometimes she saw him for legitimate medical reasons too.  Now the guy seems even more entrenched w/ his DW--she hadn't been working for years but she's a phycial therapist who got a job in his office.  I don't know if she suspected what was going on, but it's like she wanted to keep tabs on him 24/7.  But my friend wasted so much time pining for this guy.  We were early 40's when this all started.  she never really dated anyone else cause no one else compared to this guy in her heart.  She is mad at herself now that she wasted so much time on him.  Eventually she just got mad that he was wasting her time and stopped seeing him.  So I don't know how to make you see this--I think you have to come to this in your own time and see what is happening.  I think you just have to make your own timeline, whether it's 6 mos, a year (and I wouldn't give it longer than that) and just know that if things don't happen by a certain time, that you are going to have to walk away because this is not a situation that you want to get stuck in for many years.  Yes it will hurt if you have to leave him, but you don't want to be the 2nd fiddle/woman on the side for the rest of your life either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

I'm sorry your hurting so much over this guy. But the truth is IF he was really as in love with you as you think he is, and as unhappy in his marriage as he claims he is, he would have already left her by now. He has no kids with her so it's not like he's stuck "staying for the kids" (which btw is the classic excuse married men in affairs use for not leaving the wife) And why would a man that seems to desperatly want kids stay with a woman that doesn't want kids, but yet has supposedly agreed to have kids that aren't wanted. What he's saying makes no sense. So yes I honestly think you are wasting your time with him and you'd be wise to tell him not to contact you anymore until he has divorced his wife and is ready to make a commitment to you. Otherwise you could end up wasting many years of your life that you will regret and never get back. I (like music) also have a friend who spent way too many years waiting for a MM to leave his wife. First it was "until the last kid goes off to college" Then when that day came it was "You know I can't stand the thought of giving up half of my $500,000 in my retirement funds plus half the house"  Yep that's what he actually told her. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

I'm sorry your hurting so much over this guy. But the truth is IF he was really as in love with you as you think he is, and as unhappy in his marriage as he claims he is, he would have already left her by now. He has no kids with her so it's not like he's stuck "staying for the kids" (which btw is the classic excuse married men in affairs use for not leaving the wife) And why would a man that seems to desperatly want kids stay with a woman that doesn't want kids, but yet has supposedly agreed to have kids that aren't wanted. What he's saying makes no sense. So yes I honestly think you are wasting your time with him and you'd be wise to tell him not to contact you anymore until he has divorced his wife and is ready to make a commitment to you. Otherwise you could end up wasting many years of your life that you will regret and never get back. I (like music) also have a friend who spent way too many years waiting for a MM to leave his wife. First it was "until the last kid goes off to college" Then when that day came it was "You know I can't stand the thought of giving up half of my $500,000 in my retirement funds plus half the house"  Yep that's what he actually told her. 

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