To post or not to post.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2011
To post or not to post.....
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 11:20am
Where do you post if you want to encourage people to NOT get into an affair but you can’t quite keep No Contact yourself. I have posted on the MAS board in the past and then moved to the EAS board to post. After having been in and out of my affair going on 4.5 years I feel like I want to share my experiences and thoughts, but I have to admit that I am not fully No contact. Is that hypocritical to tell someone don’t do this when I can’t completely break free myself? Why haven’t I completely stopped my affair, relationship, friendship…whatever it is?? I am sure there are many reasons including that I haven’t experienced a full on DDay. But I think a big reason I can’t completely let go is that I am an addict……full on addict and I want that hit…..that high that this affair gives me.  Plain and simple an affair can be a drug….and I am a junkie. I am 44 years old and in my life I have never done any form of drugs….nothing, not even marijuana, and I seldom drink….been drunk maybe once in my life and that was college. I have never had an affair before either. But I know that I am addicted to the feelings that being in this thing gives me. I see how my mood is when I don’t hear from this person, I see how I am once I get contact from her, how I feel like I am floating on air, how the chemicals that surge through my brain make me feel amazing and incredible…….I want her….it, I need her…!!!  Isn’t that what all addicts think..believe……that we NEED it!
I am an educated man, a rational thinking man, been brought up in a loving stable religious environment, I know right from wrong and yet I don’t stop reaching for the hit. I have read every post on the healing library many times, I have read the DD posts multiple times, I have read almost every story there is on these boards and yet I don’t stop. That’s f’d up. Why can’t a reasonable person with any ounce of morals and integrity stop.
Rock bottom is a phrase I think we have all heard before. Many people have had to hit some form of a rock bottom before they can stop their addictions and change their life. I don’t know what my rock bottom is. I hope to figure Sh*t out before I hit it.
I know that we are all different and that we all have our own stories or reasons why we crossed that line and some people may even be able to navigate the complicated world of affair land. But to anyone who is lurking and is on the fence about crossing the line, please know that there is a price you will pay for your decision…...whether its real world consequences or emotional/psychological consequences from within ……..there will always be a price to pay. 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 8:42pm
So very very true! I would never judge anyone for having an affair, but I wish I could stop all of them from starting one. There are so few truly happy endings in an affair. The problem is everyone thinks it is simple, just sex. But those of us who have crossed the line know the real consequences.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 11:53pm
"Why can't a reasonable person with any ounce of morals and integrity stop?" Quite simply, because you don't want to. I personally don't believe in the theory that affairs are an addiction...more like selfish entitlements we allow ourselves because of whatever we feel we're missing but deserve in our lives. If you truly wanted to stop, you would. Trying to warn someone else away from an affair rarely works. Because when someone is on the edge, they've pretty much already decided to take the plunge. We already know there will be a price to pay, but it's different for every person, just as why we're vulnerable to an affair is different. So the real question is, can you name YOUR price? What's your threshold? Until you know that, you won't have a reason to stop.


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 10:03am

Like hs_mirror I don't completely buy the addiction analogy either.  But I'm not going to try to describe A's as entitlement or whatever because the moral judgement type of description still won't get you to end it.  But yes, you don't want to end it yet.

First thing I would do is stop beating yourself up about it.  There are so many people in our lives who will judge us and abuse us for having an A.  No reason to add yourself to that list.  Once you step back from saying your f'd up, being a bad person, your perspective will begin to become clearer, and I'm sure you'll make the right decisions for your family and yourself.  You also will not act so crazy over it.

I'm an in the moment type of person, so worrying about what the future will bring I feel is usually futile.  Take it one day at a time, it may end badly, it may not.  Oh heck, it may not end at all (I had a cousin who had an 18 year A, after her H died, they got married a couple of years later).  The only thing you can count on is now.

I actually think this is for all types of relationships that are considered toxic (even a bad friendship), not just A's.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 4:43pm

Married Man,

As has been already been simply put:  the good currently outweighs the bad, so, you continue.  The 'bad' for you is there, for sure, but not "bad" enough.   Seems to me that intellectually you are seeking motivation to have your heart follow what your mind wants.  So true in so many things in life, no?  We all wish we could really NOT want that chocolate chip cookie, night on the couch instead of in the gym, money blown in vegas instead of safely tucked in our IRA?  We eat those cookies, stay on that couch and jet to Vegas because we want to NOW.  We can't imagine that being thin feels better than any cookie, feeling strong is better than any TV show and that money means the world to a senior who has to choose between food and shelter. 

It is interesting noting all of the stories of people who have some sort of singular event which shapes their behavior forever.  I had such events in my life.  I watched my 40-something father die of cancer.  That was all I needed to avoid smoking as a teen.  My sister was obese for much of her young life until she saw a picture of herself (somehow she managed to avoid that).  Within 6 months, problem solved and was never a problem again for her.  You haven't really felt the consequences of a Dday, I presume?  Haven't seen how it would impact your loved one's life?  If you are looking for motivation - a reason to stop -perhaps imagining that scenario, in full techni-color would help.  How would that day, week, month unfold?  How would you feel about that?  Do you have to actually HIT rock bottom to have it impact your choices?  Or, can just imagining it help? 

And, I personally know one person who WAS turned around by the words on this board.  She was kicking the tires of an A, stumbled upon this site, was actually told "I know you're going to do this anyway, but, don't."  And, she listened.  She stopped and avoided the A altogether.  She is actually the person who pointed me here - many years ago.  In case that is what you wanted to know.  It is true that some come here, lurk, listen and learn. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2011
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 8:40pm
Many good thoughts and perspectives here. I appreciate all the feed back. Nymann63, i think you are dead on in that Speaking to my therapist is a must. I had been seeing one but stopped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Wed, 09-26-2012 - 12:28pm


Much peace & Love,