Really scared and hurting..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2014
Really scared and hurting..
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 12:47pm

I love my bf, we've stood by each other during trouble for just over 7 years. (I'm 29, he's 31). (My dad passed away in those years, financial trouble, mom in hospital). We started to drift apart. I craved his love and attention, probably unfairly. He couldn't provide what I needed, maybe I needed too much..

I stupidly started an affair 2 years ago...long distance, with the idea that we might meet and hook up a couple times. He became my closest friend, and I was the first person he ever loved. (According to him). I became so infatuated with him. We had so much in common, and so much fun...We've texted each other every single day since we "met" on the web (on a hobby forum), and we webcam and talk on the phone. We met in person once, I went to his city, spent a few nights together. He's told me a few times that it's the best 4 days he ever had in his life.

The issue I'm having is that I'm scared of losing him. He's never had a girlfriend, just one fling that lasted a year. (He's 25) He tells me he's not really interested in a relationship with any other girl, and if things were different and we lived in the same country at least, we would be together. I'm so confused. I get excited when I get txts from him or hear his voice, but I love my bf and hate that I'm involved in this and doing this to him. At the same time, I've tried to stop with this guy, but I think I'm addicted to the attention and how he makes me feel. We have webcam sex and phone sex and it's amazing. I don't want to lose him, but I'm scared if I stop the sexual aspect of our relationship and just be friends, like we started out as, I'll just be reminded of how much I love him and want him every time I hear his voice. I'm so confused and hate myself right now. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I hate the idea of hurting anyone else anymore.

He's going to be starting full-time work soon, and I'm sure he'll meet a girl, even though he's convinced he's not. (He doesn't have a whole lot of confidence in his looks, even though I think he's cute). I'm scared of being replaced, even though he's assured me that can't happen, since he loves me so much. I feel like I'm being selfish, I want him to be happy with someone, but I can't stand the thought of losing him. I know if he meets someone they'll have this amazing relationship at the beginning like it always is and he'll no longer want anything to do with our escapades, or me for that matter. Please help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 01-01-2014 - 11:47pm

You need to get your life in order.  If your b/f isn't fulfilling your needs, then to be fair to him, you should end that relationship.  This long distance thing is nothing more than "make believe" and there are too many things against this ever becoming anything more than a pretend relationship.  Make up your mind about the b/f you have now........either work things out with him, or each of you should move on.  At that point you'll be free to find a real live man that DOES suit your needs.  The LD guy isn't ever going to be anything but what he is.....and you need to end it with him so that you can move on with your life.......either with your b/f or with someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-02-2014 - 11:31am

Well what you're doing is really unfair to both men.  The AP must be meeting your emotional needs since you said that you & your BF drifted apart.  But you're never just going to drift back together if you are expending all your love and emotions on someone else.  If you really love your BF you wouldn't treat him like this--you should either break up with him if he is not meeting your needs or you tell him that you feel your relationship isn't that great any more and you both need to do something to make it what it used to be.  Or do you just feel that you "owe him" because he stood by you when your dad died?  It was great that he was supportive, but sometimes people change and when the relationship is no longer working, then you can end it--you're not married, so you have never promised to be with him forever.  You should also take a look objectively at what you expected him to do for you--are your needs for attention out of the ordinary or did you just expect him to talk to you at night when you came home from work and instead he just wanted to watch TV & you two never interacted any more?  That can happen and it makes relationships very stale--people do have to put effort into their relationship and not take each other for granted.

As far as the AP, what do you really think is going to happen there?  The guy lives in a different country--do you ever forsee either one of you moving so you could be together?  If not, it's not fair to take up his time.  He's younger than you, he's not confident with women so maybe you fulfilled some need.  But how long do you think this can go on?  At some point you will have to end it and the longer it goes on, the worse it will be.  To be fair, I think you should end it and completely go no contact because I don't think it's possible for you to go back to being casual friends.  It will be hurtful for both of you but eventually you will move on.

Avatar for ananemus
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2013
Thu, 01-02-2014 - 7:42pm

Hi Sunny,

The best gift you can give your online lover is to let him loose.

Will you have the guts to do the following? Tell him that you care for him deeply, that you are totally scared of losing him permanently and that the best thing for HIM is to give him his freedom. Tell him that you will miss him terribly, but that he will be the precious person in your life. Tell him that you are ceasing all contact with him, that you are going to delete his contacts. Wish him all the best. Then, don't get in contact with him for several years. 

I know it is very difficult to follow up on this advice, but, I can imagine me being in your AP's shoes. Your AP will start despising you with time if you mess up i.e., start telling him things that are not true.

As far as your BF goes, either leave him, or stay with him with in a committed relationship.

Good Luck.

The past is done, the future has yet to come. Live in the present moment honestly with few chances of regret.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Fri, 01-03-2014 - 4:10am

You have been w your bf for a long time and never married.  Why?  You have found a new man that for 2 years has held you in an exciting breathtaking affair.  This affair has no entanglements that other relationships have including disagreement over money, sex, raising (or having) children, where to live, in laws, work, and division of labor.  You have experienced this w your BF and it has not been easy.  However to leave your bf and be with AP you willl prob end up experiencing all of those same difficult issues again.  If you think he is the ONE then go to him..  And don't live your life in this terrible limbo.  But if you truly love your bf, then stay.  Get married and start on the adventure as ONE.  The thing I see is even if you move from one relationship to another, the basic problems will still always be there.  Which partner will be the best to pursue the hurdles that life throws us.  Who would make the best most loving and underrstanding man to charge thru life with?  If you choose the otherr man only out of fear of who he will meet in the future and your jealousy would tear you apart,, than that is the wrong decision.  For surely a 25 year old man will meet and fall in love with another woman. or many.  Weigh your options carefully.  You are not married, so you have a lot of freedom.  you are young and so much could happen, even if you say good-bye to both.  But I do know any long term relationship takes devotion and forgiveness, and compromise.  You will fall in and out of love and will have to make a strong effort to keep things excitiing and meaningful..I don't have the answers, but maybe some questions you could ask yourself to help you make good decisions.  Good luck, my dear.