Smokin' hot lover from my past just tracked me down....sorry, it is long :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2013
Smokin' hot lover from my past just tracked me down....sorry, it is long :-)
14
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 10:47am

I was 18, a college freshman when I met him.  He was a junior, though only six months older than I.  I had seen him around campus a few times...gorgeous, young, punk rocker.  Sigh.  My roommate had met him a couple of times, I think she may have introduced me on campus once.  One night my roommate and I ended up at a party and he was there.  I was utterly transfixed.  Could not take my eyes off of him.  I had never felt an attraction like that -- I was only 18! I had one love in high school -- and he was my first everything, kiss, sex...I had been in love with my first for three years before we slept together the first time shortly after my 18th birthday.

Well, back to my college guy -- one party ended, and a few of us moved on to his apartment.  Somebody put "The Knack" on -- remember that song, "Good girls don't, but I do"?  That was on -- god, I will never forget that moment.  "Sid" came over to me.  Gave me his hand, pulled me up from the floor and asked "Do you?" with a mischevious grin and led me to his bedroom.  In moments I was naked in his bed, he was pouring oil over my body...omg, he was something else.  I remember it hurt, and I bled again -- more well-endowed than #1 :-).  Turns out he had a girlfriend back home, we continued an odd "relationship" for the rest of the school year.  He was always a little hot and cold, but we hung out in the same group so spent a lot of time together.  There were several times were we spent the night together and just talked and cuddled, other times when we did have sex. And others when he would act as if he hardly knew me.  He always went for drama -- there was a small party at our apartment once.  He led me out of the room and to the bathroom.  Undressed me and filled the bathtub with water.  Sex in the shower was another first for me.  I do know that during those five months I was the only one he was sleeping with.

He went home for summer, I stayed on campus.  He and his girlfriend (finally!) broke up!  We talked all the time, hours and hours on the phone.  He decided to come to campus for his birthday weekend and stayed with me.  Asked for my eternal devotion and my body for his birthday :-).  We had a great weekend, and he headed home.  And never called.  And so I didn't call him.  When school started and he was back on campus, we were friends and hung out, but we pretended the weekend never happened (I never knew why) and never fooled around again...

And then, last week I got a message from him on Facebook.  I have thought about him many, many times -- and just the other week I was thinking I should check for him on FB but forgot.  I had fallen asleep watching TV, and got up to brush my teeth and wash my face.  Checked FB once more before going to sleep, and there was the message.  I answered right away, he was online and we ended up chatting into the wee hours -- my husband asleep next to me.  He looks amazing -- where he was cute when we were kids, he is achingly sexy now.  He said he has thought about me many times, and often thought to look me up.  He said there were those he doesn't remember, those he would prefer not to remember, and those he remembered very fondly - I being the later. The conversation turned rather quickly, one mention of the oil and we were discussing the possibility of being "discreet" playmates.

We are texting constantly -- well, sexting.  And omg -- the pictures.  He truly looks better than ever. And talking....his voice turned my insides to jello.  I am in a constant state of semi-arousal thinking about him.  Dying to see him, dying to do all of the things we are imagining in our texts.

It is crazy, and it is dangerous.  But there is no way I can NOT see him.  He lives on the other side of the state - I have a plan in place, an excuse, to go out of town next weekend to see him.  He is working on making sure his kids are with his ex that weekend.

He is divorced (twice).  I am married, 19 years.  I had a one night stand in Vegas a couple of years ago.  My husband worships me.  But I am bored -- I was bored before I heard from "Sid"...even more so now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004

On yes...past loves...the one that got away. Your story is a recipe for disaster. Your BH worships you. Well how long will that last once he finds out about your betrayals? I expect that when he finds, not if but when, your life will no longer be boreing. I can assure at that point your future and the future of your M will no longer be in your hands. This guy has already been M twice. Doesn't sound like good relationship material. The gest of what I am saying is that you are making a big mistake and should step back now. If you do preceed with this then tell you H beforehand so that he can leave and determine his own future. This OM is a player and has had many sexual partners so you should think stds some of which are incurable. I really hope you make the right decision here.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Look if this is just friendship and sex good.  If you are thinking run off and marry Bad.  Too many people do not realize that difference.  The lover is dessert the H is the meal.  Go out have fun and remember to keep your mouth shut even with friends.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2013

Oh my goodness, no!  Definitely not run off and marry.  He was a bad boy when we were 18, and he is a bad boy now. :-).  I just want the sex!!  So desperately..... Back when we were in college it was friendship and sex -- I was never his "girlfriend" and I was (almost) always okay with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002

Even one night of incredible sex (which it surely will be) will hook you.  You will NEVER be able to get this man out of your mind once you are intimate with him.  It sounds like he is powerfully charismatic, charming, and verry good-looking.. A perfect storm for a woman who is already weak in the knees.  The opportunity is nearly irrestisible I know, but what you may probably only receive is years of longing and heartbreak.  I'm sorry.  I love the bad boys too.  But they are not the keepers.  THey are the stealers of hearts and hopes and dreams.  They are divorce kings, and the ones we fantasize about, but know in our hearts that they can never live up to the good man lying next to us each night. 

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

You are going to risk your marriage of 19 years to a guy who "worships" you for a guy you had sex with in college more than 20 years ago?  Really?

I suggest you read MANY of the posts on the various boards here.  Not just MAS but EAS and Betrayed Spouses too.  Think of the pain you are planning to cause if you get caught.  Of course you think you won't get caught but it's highly unlikely that you won't.  Then ask yourself how you'll feel when your husband of 19 years finds out that his wife risked *his* happiness to be with her "smoking hot" lover from when she was 18.

Sheesh.  I have a lot of sympathy for people in difficult situations who find themselves entangled in ways they didn't expect, but purposely planning to destroy a spouse's trust and 19 years of marriage for the sake of a fling with a guy who can't stay married and was never even a serious relationship 20 years ago - that's really selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2010

Did you wind up meeting up with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2013

I have not seen him...yet...

He actually has decided that he has reservations because I am married - he has been on both sides of affairs. He is taking it upon himself to be my personal guru...asking me a lot of difficult questions, recommending books, etc. Not at all where I saw things going, but he was always full of surprises. He readily admits that he wants me, but doesn't want me to use him as a way to hide from my unhappiness. Hiding and pretending is a lot easier than looking into myself and really seeing what is there.

Things are more intense emotionally. A lot of late night texting - some of which is playful and flirtatious, and he still sends me naughty pictures to taunt me! But, he is trying to get me to look at my life in a different way, remember who "I" am buried underneath all of the roles I play. Playing roles is a lot easier...

If, when I make it through his reading list and assignments, I still want to consummate the affair, then he says he would break his rules and be with me. I am attending a conference in his city in late July (really, I have been planning this for months and months!) and cannot imagine not seeing him while I am there. Of course, I am constantly fighting the urge to jump on a plane....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004

Tell your H.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

Has it occurred to you that he is doing a great job of having it both ways - being both the good guy who helps you and the naughty boy you want anyway?  "I won't see you because you're married.  Oh, but I will help you find yourself because I clearly know *myself*.  And then when you've played my game by reading the things that I, the personal guru, have selected for you, THEN I'll have sex with you.  That way I am both your savior as well as your smokin hot lover.  I win all the way around!"

Has it occurred to you how incredibly manipulative he is?  If you really want to know yourself, following a reading list from a player is NOT the way.

We all have roles we play - that's part of communal life.  However we can still fulfill them with integrity to our own selves.  I don't deny that I'm a spouse, parent, child,sibling, community member, employer, etc.  I can be all those things and be true to myself.  Being a parent doesn't mean I'm not *me*. 

OTOH dropping my roles to pursue a fantasy would not be fulfilling or finding myself, it would just be escaping.

I suggest you start finding out who you are without this guy dangling you along, telling you he can't see you but sending you sexy photos anyway.  He sounds like the worst sort of person to take life lessons from, because he has no integrity himself.  Here's the first line of the Wikipedia entry on "integrity": "Integrityis a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes." 

How much do you want to take life lessons from this guy?  Does he sound like the kind of person *you* want to be?  Call him an object of fantasy, but don't call him a life coach, because he is anything but.  He is using you for his own amusement.  Call a spade a spade.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2013

Maybe I am really naive - but I don't feel that being encouraged to look into myself and explore meditation as a means to do that doesn't feel at all like I am being manipulated....it feels like a friend with a different perspective. Reading and exploring meditation is certainly not going to hurt me...and we shall see where things go with us. 

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