A talk with his cheating partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2014
A talk with his cheating partner
14
Wed, 06-04-2014 - 9:07pm

Hello,

I was just wondering if you've ever confronted your exes cheating partner/girlfriend?  I've never been mean to her at all, but only for the kids sake, right?  It's now to the point where she gives me the biggest smile and hello because I've never wanted the kids to see me but anything as adult and nice.  But man it kills me for her to think we are all okay and the best of buds. 

See, I'm thinking of calling her and just having a sit down.  An adult "just because I'm friendly please don't mistake it as we are buds" kind of thing.  I just feel like she got off scott free.  Of course I've lit into my ex for cheating but not her and the fact of what they did to our family and our children.

Have you done this?  How did it go?  Did you feel better after?

thx!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 06-04-2014 - 11:35pm

You see this woman on a regular basis?  Why?  And if she gives you the big smile and acts all friendly, WHY?  Even if you MUST see her for some reason, you don't have to smile and be "all friendly".  You also don't have to "attack" her..that might be exactly what she wants!  Your best response to her would be NO response at all.  She didn't get off "scott free"........unless the affair is still going on.  She lost more than you did because she was probably thinking your husband would probably leave you and be with her...and surprise, surprise, like most men who cheat, when they're caught, they dump the girlfriend.  Ignore her, whatever you might say to her, she'll have something hurtful to say back to you.  Good for you for keeping it from the children.  Just ignore her, that will frustrate her more than anything! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-05-2014 - 11:28am

Fissatore, from the way she wrote the post, I think the ex did leave her to be with this woman, otherwise he wouldn't be the ex, right?  And that's probably why she's nice "for the sake of the kids" because they are together now.

To the original poster, I say why bother talking to her?  I can't see anything to be gained.  The woman obviously didn't think about your feelings when she was having an affair with a married man so I doubt she will care now, esp. since she got the guy.  I think that holding your head up high and only speaking to her politely but not being friendly is the way to go.  don't let her see you sweat, as they say.  And for another cliche--living well is the best revenge.  Remember that she ended up with a man who will cheat, so I bet she is going to be wondering some time will he cheat on her too?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 06-05-2014 - 1:16pm

No point.  You may think you would feel better, but I doubt it.  

You already voiced your anger to the right person, your then partner.  If they are together, you are doing the right thing.  

As long as you are polite at events, or drop off and pick ups, that will suffice.  I am friendly with my DH's xW, but it goes unsaid that we are not friends.  DH was separated, but not divorced when we got together.  Believe me, his GF knows.  

So again, I don't see any point in have a sit down with her.  If you two are ever to have a sit down, it will be unplanned and it will happen naturally.  Let Fate take care of these kinds of things.  

Good for you being mature and moving forward with your life.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 06-06-2014 - 2:45pm

What goes around comes around. Keep your head up and be cordial to her.She is the fool to be with your ex because he cheated on you with her so who's to say that he will not cheat on her with someone else down the line???Some people are so stupid.Why would you want someone whom you KNEW was already in a relationship to begin with??Then when you get them...doesn't it every cross their minds that 'hey..he cheated on her with me and now  I have him...what's to say he will not do it to me??!!

It's good that you're keeping your cool for the kids sake.What goes around comes around and they will get theirs..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2014
Sun, 06-08-2014 - 1:50pm

Hi all,

thanks for your input.  He is still with her and it just bugs me to no end this friendliness I get from her.  Like I said, I hold it together for the kids, but it is a struggle.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 06-09-2014 - 10:19am

ROFL!  Better to be as friendly as possible.  I will say that it will serve you much better if she feels friendly and you get along.  You never know who will come to save the day.    It is not easy to get rid of resentment and anger, but those negative emotions hurt only you.   They are very expensive emotionally and physically.  Purge them from your system. 

    I know this is not standard American tome.  However, it works.  Over the years it will pay off.  I know from experience that it does.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Wed, 06-11-2014 - 10:24am
If I were you I would HAVE to pull her aside and tell her exactly how I feel. She deserves to know that you are not happy with her being a partner in crime to breaking up your M. I don't think holding it in and smiling is a good thing for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Wed, 06-11-2014 - 10:26am
I also feel like the OW get off scott free, especially if they knowingly sleep with a MM knowing that he is M. My DH and I are almost six years past D Day and while I took my DH through h3ll for a while the xow walked away. I wish I could have given her a beat down at least for all of the pain she helped cause.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 06-12-2014 - 5:44pm

Since this is "all sides" I am going to pipe up on one thing here.  

It was mentioned that "I don't think holding it in and smiling is a good thing for you."  

Going out of your way to "talk" or "vent" to the OW is never a good idea.  Especially in the case of this OP.  I stand firm on this one.  

With that said....if the OW started something, then I think the DW or xW can respond.  

Wasn't there an episode of Sex in the City where Carrie tries to make amends to a DW?  The best amends the OW can make is generally to either go away and never ever make contact again, OR in OP case, be respectful the xW.  In Carrie Bradshaw's story, the DW had plenty to say, but she didn't "freak out" or anything like that.  

The OP did the right thing from the very beginning, it was between her and then DH.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 06-20-2014 - 3:33pm

I did actually call my exH's AP when I first had suspicions and she said she was so sorry, that she had gone through a breakkup with my H's friend and was just leaning on him for support, that she would NOT ever call him again, etc, etc, etc. all the same BS my H told me.  Later, I pulled a bluff on her to get all the details I needed to confirm his A (and to use as leverage in court) and then told her exactly what I thought of her and what the consequences were going to be for her and him. She had the audacity to say she had to go into another room to talk as she didn't want her teenage son to hear.  Nevermind the fact that she knew we had children; she didn't want HER kid to hear what she'd done. It just goes to show the selfishness of people who get involved in affair.  She knew we had children, one of whom is severly disabled, that my father had cancer and passed away during their A~she simply didn't give a damn until she was confronted.

My idiot exhusband thought she would never betray him. LOL She played him for the fool and then sold him out.  She said, "I wasn't the only one who did this, He did, too!" I told her I was well aware of that fact, that he was the one who had made a commitment to me and not her. She was old hat at this kind of thing and this wasn't her first A.  She is what is commonly known as a construction site lizard; she works with a company and gets involved with as many of the men on the job she can to get their money and sex.  Then she moves on to the next idiot.

My satisfaction came when I confronted my H with everything she'd told me and he realized what an idiot he'd been. She played him like a fiddle and then dumped him. I divorced him and even though adultery can't be used against them in court,  proof of it goes a lonnnnnnnnnnnng way in use as leverage in settlement negotiations, where I live anyway.

I would totally ignore her and any attempts on her part to be friends.  If she continued, I would most definitely let her know that you are not friends, and that the fact that you haven't knocked her lights out so far is only because you are a bigger person than she is.  I'd make it plain to her that you have no obligation to be cordial or interact with her, whatsoever. You really don't have to have anything to do with her at all.  In some states, there is a morality clause where your kids are not allowed to have overnight visitiation if he is cohabitating with her and they are not married.  My ex is now living with another woman he is not married to and I am not required to allow visitation.  However, this is not a problem as he has nothing to do with our kids by his own choice and hasn't seen them in almost 2 yrs. Father of the year he is not!


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