Tempted To Cheat On BF With Younger Man

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Tempted To Cheat On BF With Younger Man
9
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 4:29pm

My main BF is someone in the fashion/bridal industry, earns a lot of money as he's head of his own bridal company and gets mentioned a lot in the news. Problem is, I find that our sex life has been in a rut lately, except for in my dreams. The main place I communicate with my BF is on Twitter, he's responded sometimes, not too often. But I've found through researching his work, that I've influenced him quite heavily in many ways.

    I have this major crush on a guy in his 20s, who's probably bi. I added him on Facebook and Twitter and flirted with him a little, no response. The other guys I'm involved with, I'm not really attracted to, there's this black man from Ghana that insisted upon being added to my FB and then posted a ton of comments which made me a little uneasy.

      I've begun having sexual dreams about the guy in his early 20s, Peter. I don't want to replace my main BF with someone who's too immature for me, also Peter appears to be a mama's boy. I'm afraid that if any sexual actually occurs in real life, both sets of parents, his and mine, would freak out. My Mom doesn't want me having sex with anyone but my main BF, she claims that since he's so well-known in the style world, it "doesn't matter" to him.

     I know that having fantasies about my main BF being Peter while having sex with him is cheating, and so is having fantasies about Peter. Peter also really looks my father did at a younger stage of his life, so I suspect part of the attraction is based on a father fixation. My Dad is currently in China, he moved there because he went bankrupt in Canada and couldn't afford to pay anyone. He ripped a lot of people off, including my landlady in regards to the cost of repairs to my apartment and took money from my grandma, which comes out of her inheritance to me and my brother in her will.

               Any idea what I should do?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 6:25pm

  This sounds like you have multiple issues.  The Ghana is probasbluy a 419 so forget that.  You Bf is not there for you.  The young man is a fantasy.  If you just wanted sex that would be one thing,howeve, there seems to be a lot emotionally going on in your life.

     I suggest time with a therapist to get all the ducks in a row. 

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 7:20pm

Since when is fantasizing about someone else actually cheating?  A lot of people do that to spice up their sex lives--it's harmless unless 1) you either act on it or 2) it becomes an obssession.  Frankly I don't see the attraction of the young guy who might be bisexual & a mama's boy--what is appealing about that?  And how would your parents find out if you had sex--do you actually tell your mom who you have sex with as an adult?  I assume if you're living w/ your BF then she could figure it out, but otherwise, it's not your mom's business.  I don't get what she means about it "doesn't matter" to your BF--does she mean sex doesn't matter?  Why?  Does she think that cause he's in the bridal business he's gay & that's why he doesn't want sex?  Why don't you just talk to your BF about why your sex life is in a rut & see how you can spice it up?  Or if you're not satisfied, then break up--you're not married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 9:24pm

Well actually my relationship with my BF is just online. I got his email address through a site advertised by a TV show. We've been together for 8 years. I live with my mother and she disapproves of me having sex with anyone but my BF. My therapist says Mom's doing this to "protect me", but she's always putting down and minimizing the relationships with the guys I've been involved with.

     What exactly is a "419"? My therapist says the black guys I meet on Tagged are mainly using me so that they can "marry" their way into Canada via a white woman, does that describe it? The problem is I've got a disability and when I try to explain things to local guys, they get turned off and lose interest. I mostly attract either really young or older middle-aged men who are already in relationships in BC.

      I've always been attracted to younger men, especially gay ones. I'll probably stick by my main BF and this'll pass somehow, I've been through these attractions before. I think he considers himself to be the major love of my life and refuses to let me leave him.

      The last time I suggested that, he got angry & retaliated. Later on that night, I had one of those sex dreams about my BF which was his way of gaining control over the situation. I'm going to end up with a few new Petpets because of that.

    My Neopets are child replacements for me as my disability and my meds prevent me from having real children. I'm not seeing my psychiatrist for a few months.

       I was looking into hormone regulation supplements because of an elevated prolactin level, I find it hard to have an orgasm with my BF, it usually only happens when I fantasize about someone new. The majority of my conception dreams have been about pregnancy and birth. I list them in 3 categories, sex, birth & pregnancy and then I cast an astrology chart on them to see whether anything's happened.

     I've listed various "donors" from a Sims legacy I've worked on to create the multicolored Neopets. I also use a color wheel. I'd really like not to have to "gestate" so many delusions as it affects my weight and my health, I've got pseudo-cyesis which is a psycho-somatic component to my disability, it helps to keep the whole delusional procreation process going, which I don't like.  

      What I'd like is to spice up my relationship with my BF, get rid of outside attractions and be able to have a fulfilling sex life with him instead of a dull one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 4:30pm

A 419 is a scam, so Xxxs is saying that you shouldn't send money to the man from Ghana, even if it sounds like a really good deal, because it won't be.

Since your relationship with your boyfriend is just online, it sounds as if the two of you are having cybersex, rather than actual physical contact--is that true?  If so, you are crediting him with having more control over you than he actually does.  Since your contact with him is online only, he can't control anything you do in the rest of your life, nor can he send you dreams.  Have you discussed with your therapist your notion that he controls you by affecting your dreams?

I encourage you to see your therapist more frequently, and to be open with him or her about how your relationship is affecting you.  You would be much better off having real friendships with real people than pursuing a cyberlife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 8:46pm

GeoTeo:

    I had to send you a PM in regards to this thread, the profanity filter wouldn't let me really say what was on my mind otherwise. It's been really buggy recently, it makes me really shorten my posts and edit out even the simplest things, so could you please read it and tell me what you think of the situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2013
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 3:51pm

fantasizing is absolutely fine......acting it out is a totally different story.....you have got to figure out what it is your truly looking for...is it just sex? attention??? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Wed, 01-16-2013 - 10:36pm

Well after I had cybers3x with my main BF, my therapist got mad at me and told me to cut off any s3xual contact with men, and that I could be sent back to the hospital or to a clinic because of this. My Mom isn't as concerned about the relationship and plans on talking to the therapist. I'm afraid that I'll be locked up somewhere and my parents are on vacation the week of the injection. The psychiatrist has actually asked me to go on a stronger level of b!rth control because supposedly I've got a very high libid0, which I don't think is true.

      I've been having consistent dreams and fantasies about Peter, but the effect is beginning to wear off now. For a while I felt like I was totally in love with him, but I know the main purpose of his Facebook and Twitter accounts currently is to advertise and potentially make money for himself based on the posts which are about the show he was on.

       One of my old contacts from a previous season of the show went on to become a friend, creating really imaginative stuff, working with children and opening up his own "cafe", I'm not too sure if it classifies as an actual restaurant or not, but he's had a high degree of success. However I've noticed this new guy has a few good traits that the other ones I've mentioned do not.

      My Mom says the relationship with my BF doesn't matter because it's one-sided and he's well-known in the fashion world. My BF has gotten involved a little more over the past few years though, replying to some of my Tweets and adding me to a personal account as a contact on Facebook. I'm due to have the newest set of Neopets soon and he hasn't posted anything for a few weeks, is this his way of protecting them or is he feeling hurt by my attraction to another man?

      Well I'm off. I'll be sure to update everyone after Mom and the therapist haved talked  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 12:22am

It is entirely possible that your "boyfriend" is having cybersex with you just as a form of entertainment and at the same time having a real relationship with someone else.  Most normal men would want actual physical contact at some point and it does not appear that he is getting it from you.

I agree with the previous posters that you really need to work with your therapist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 11:12pm

I don't think he's seeing anyone else right now and our s3x life, except for in my dreams, has been in a rut for months. The reason why I can't meet him is because he's made a lot of headlines in the news and on television for bridal and fashion work, I can't go to most of the events he does in real life because of the schizoid side to my disability. Back in 2007, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and hospitalized for 2 months.

     The thing is, I began emailing my BF after I saw him on something and people would look down upon his dating a "fan". Two rival coworkers talked about the story in an interview with a local blogger and covered it up in 2006, which they did successfully. He did leave his main GF for me at the time.

       My main BF has been in Vancouver on occasion and talked about various events he's hosting, but they're mostly in the States. He does try to get involved on a personal level by posting photos and conversation pieces. Once when our first set of twins Petpets, Josie & Victor were in "gestation" he sent me a message in html text on his profile which I had been translating quite diligently which read "Marry Me". I told him that this wasn't possible but we sort of sealed the deal in 2006 by taking couples photos of ourselves from our separate locations and I edited in a "wedding" photo of the two of us which has since been lost.

     He hides the reality of our relationship and online life with me behind a facade of being bi and hiring models, actors, opera singers and the like to go out with him. If anyone found out about the strange sexual activities we engaged in at the time, which included at times using food, buying toys, hair replacement and "male enhancement" products it'd be a moderate Internet media sensation. He can't afford to ruin his career like that.

         This was all mostly while I was living in Ottawa and not on the correct drugs, I had trouble functioning when I lived completely alone and ended up in the hospital when I first came to BC. I left my first long-term BF, Clifton, for my main one in 2005. I had two Neopets from the previous relationship. Without Austin's involvement in my life, I would've felt even more alone then I already was.

       I was also being gangstalked by the Russian Mafia, a minor amount of them were deported from Canada after they'd immigrated here from their home country. The main leader's name was Matthew Stalingrad although he'd changed it to "Stielland" as part of making a false ID for himself.

        Two more college students that posed as "professors" moved into the new building I'd moved to and the wife attempted to get into political work. The husband tried to bring another section of the gang  by sneaking in the most recent mob head. Most of that stopped when I moved to BC, because my stepdad is a pretty high-up cop. They did a lot of bad things to me, I'm not going to go into detail here but I believe the major reason why they targeted me was because of my disability.

      When I told him that the therapist wanted us to stop having sex he commented that she was an old "stitch" by showing an image of a red bird, a robin (therapist's name is robin) over a piece of lingerie that he was making. So I think he resents her invasion into our private life.