Thinking about affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2010
Thinking about affair
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 10:57am

I can NOT believe that I am even thinking about it. 

I have a condition called maladaptive daydreaming. I've had it all my life, but I have NEVER had any of my thoughts, or daydreams come close to me making them really happen.....until now. I am happily married to a wonderful man, and I love him dearly and he loves me so much.

I work a 2nd shift job right now (about to go to 1st shift). There is a guy I work with that I have "placed" into one of my daydreams. I almost feel like some silly school girl with a huge crush on him. We have only talked a couple times, and I'm sure he knows that I am married. He has never approached me for anything like flirting, or anything else of that sort. He doesn't even have a clue I like him, and neither does anyone else in the world. This is my little secret, and I keep him in my daydreams. 

I have been thinking about what it would be like "IF" we were to start talking and became close friends and "IF" things were to go a step further. I know there are a LOT of "IF" and I may be just talking out my backside.....but I'm about to go to this guys area, and I just don't if something was to "come up" if I could stop it....

Maybe I am just crazy, I don't know......maybe I am just still in my daydream.

A part of me wants to see what would happen, andyet, the other part doesn't want to hurt my husband.

I've been married for almost 12 years and never even thought about doing anything before. 

I have been married 4 times, but none ended because of me having an affair or anything like that. My first ended because I was too young and didn't know what I was doing. My second ended when he ran off after I had my son. My 3rd ended when HE met someone online and drove me crazy until I finally left so he could move the other woman in. Here I am FINALLY happy and contemplating having an affair, (IF, the opportunity arises).

I kind of feel guilty just thinking about it.

I do love my husband, but there are some things that a lot of people and none here know about.

He spent time in prison YEARS ago for having sex with an underage girl. He is now labled as a sex offender and has to register 4 times a year. Because of this, he will not even try to get a passport or won't consider living anywhere else in the world. He is SOOOO afraid something will happen and he will get blamed for doing something he hasn't done.

I've always wanted to go on a cruise...but I guess I never will get to :( 

As far as I know, NO ONE in my family knows of my husbands past. I know about it when I got with him, he was up front and honest from our very first date, and I accepted him as is, but I have been put down and ridiculed because of his past. Sometimes I wished I could just walk away from that part of it all.

I think I am just a confused person, I don't know, but here I am today (and the last month) thinking that if circumstances were just right, I just might give in to temptation and have that affair.

How do I get past this BEFORE anything happens.

I guess this is the "Before the affair"  problem.......


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 1:20pm

I would say that this would be a good time to go for therapy since objectively you don't seem to want to have an affair.  I think daydreaming is ok.  I haven't really heard the term "maladaptive daydreaming."  You have to figure out that just because you think of something doesn't mean that it has to come true as in realtiy.  I like to make up fun little daydreams about guys in my mind but I can recognize that it doesn't mean that thing is really going to happen.  I guess that's the difference & what you have to work on.

I am curious about your DH.  Is he on probation?  Does he have conditions like he is not supposed to associate with minors?  Has he actually consulted the police when he does his registration as to whether he would be able to get a passport?  I think he needs to deal with facts and not "what if" if he hasn't investigated this.  I could understand why he doesn't want to move because then he will be subject to new neighbors not wanting to be around him but I don't know that his status would be apparent on a vacation.  Anyway if he wont' travel doesn't mean that you can't travel--you could go with a friend or relative if he is insistant that he won't go anywhere.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 08-27-2013 - 7:25pm

Sounds like you need to visit with your T again.  Clearly you don't want to have an A. 

As far as the cruise, go with a GF.  I don't know enough about the details of the other stuff.  I truly believe there are people wrongly charged with certain sex crimes and/or registration requirements.  So no judgement there. 

Anyways, go see your counselor again.  And good luck!

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 08-28-2013 - 2:22am

I never heard of this problem before, so I looked it up, and found an interesting article, which also referred another article:  From what I read, you should be able to control your thoughts, or if not, then get some therapy before you act on them!

As for your husband's past, if it was YEARS ago, then it probably wasn't computerized, and it was before there were a lot of restrictions on sex offenders.  And I don't think that has anything to do with getting a passport, anyway.  Why don't you make a call to the passport authority and ASK if it would be a problem.  I'm sure they'd answer your question without you having to give a name. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 08-28-2013 - 11:00am

"Because of this, he will not even try to get a passport or won't consider living anywhere else in the world".

Whether one has a criminal record or not, most people are not free to live anywhere else in the world.  Unless you have specific skills in high demand, you can visit a country (which usually requires a passport), but not live and work there. 

Agreed with what everyone else said:  go see a therapist!

And if you end up having an affair, please find someone outside the workplace.  Workplace "romance", even between two single people, is tacky at best, and in the worst case scenario, it may cost your job.

Avatar for malarkeymarie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 8:07am
As far as I can tell it's not your husbands fault that you have a crush on another man. It's your crush, they're your "day dreams" and unless I miss my guess, they include you "sailing off" with your crush. My advice is to limit the amount of time you spend "day dreaming" about a man that may not even know your alive, let alone be interested in you. Day dreams are free, getting free will cost you.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 09-18-2013 - 3:44pm

As far as I can tell, you have a crush, not him, You say he has never given you any indication he likes you, is attracted to you, etc. You act as though it is a forgone conclusion that if show any interest in him, he will fall in bed with you. I guess maybe thats part of the daydreaming. You have to remember many people have fantasies about being/sleeping with this person or that person, but they remain fantasies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2012
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 1:01pm

From experience, I can tell you to focus on your husband and keep this man out of your life. Otherwise, you are asking for problems and hearbreak. 

My husband fell in love with his boss after they formed a "connection". STAY AWAY or you have no one to blame but yourself