Two wrongs don't make a right....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2014
Two wrongs don't make a right....
4
Wed, 05-21-2014 - 6:17am

The sole purpose of this is to vent. However, feel free to ask questions if something isn't clear or comment, give some advice, etc.

So, in 2012, I was raped by a guy that I had considered to be a friend. Instead of dealing with it...I had a 1 night stand with a friend and later on had a 2-3 month affair with another friend. I eventually started seeking therapy and dealt with quite a few things. The rape....I told hubby about. The 1 night stand I hid and how my brain worked at the time....it never happened. He found out anyways and then I confessed to the last one. I still have random contact with the 1 night stand and had no contact with the last guy up until Septemeber when he reached out to me because my grandfather died of cancer and so did his mom. I told hubby of this contact and don't recall a reaction. I didn't think it was a big deal since I was more emotionally stable and in control of my emotions. We didn't talk everyday. We only texted. Usually it was about the weather, his job, his relationship, his daughter...innocent stuff like that. Well, one day we had a conversation where we got a little deep in the past when we had the affair. It was based on the time of the affair and it was sexually centered. My hubby found this conversation on our 4th wedding anniversary. So he treated me like crap for about a month...barely talked to me let alone touched me. I had started talking to a new therapist and started becoming more emotionally aware so I finally broke down in hysterics bearing my heart to him. After that, we had a week that was great...we seemed to reconnect emotionally. 

So, fast forward to this past Friday when he sits me down and asks for a divorce. Turns out he had gone with his parents to a divorce lawyer and started the process in the beginning of that week. Then on top of it I dsicover he is talking to some girl starting around the same time. A bit before the lawyer from what I can tell. So, he starts contact with this girl around the 10th, around that time we are what I thought to be rekindling our marriage, The 13th we have family game night at his parents in which they both knew all of this at that time and no one said a word to me. Then bam!!! on the 16th he tells me he has talked to a lawyer about divorce. I called our Pastor and he came to talk to us. After, he left, hubby said against his better judgement he will stop the divorce but 1 screw up on my part and we are done. The same day or the following day is when I discovered this other girl. 

So, during this time of reconnecting he had been in contact with this girl. He litterally talked to her more than he had talked to me in over a month. They were texting, calling each other, talking of meeting up, etc. So, here I am sitting up at 5 am coming to the realization that he was in contact with her while we were reconnecting...he was calling her as he drove home from work and while at home. He was talking to her everyday for a week. He was investing his time in this girl that was supposedly only there to teach me a lesson yet he hadn't invested much time in me until he started contact with this girl. Supposedly, he has stopped contact with this girl now that we are going to start couples counselling and try to work things out but now I am sitting here wondering what else I am unaware of that was going on behind my back. 

I think that what I did was bad enough but two wrongs don't make a right. I never once did any of those things under malice intent. He did this just for that reason. In my mind that is worse whether he did anything else besides what i know. I can't believe he let his co-workers talk him into stooping so low...and yet they say they care about him. Yea, so obviously the right thing to do is do the same thing back but with malice. Then, when he tells said co-worker that we are going to work things out....he tells him that I could require therapy through the courts anyways. He tells me that too...so he might as well save the money for the lawyer and take the counselling. Yea, that makes me really feel like he is here because he wants to be. Then I tell him how in love with him I am and he just says I love you too. Ummmm, hello....that is not what I said. HUGE difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. 

So, now I am terrfied that everything is simply an act in order for him to keep the peace until after we have enough therapy to go forward with the divorce. What pissed me off so much was that he hid this all from me. With my first divorce...I straight up told him what was going on. How cruel is it to just spring a divorce on someone like that out of nowhere after a week of things going good and reconnecting?!! I was devastated...it made that week feel like a lie. He has to think pretty low of me to think that I would risk jail time to use his bank account for a shopping spree. 

I am very much in love with this man and one thing I never thought that I would ever say about him is that I can't trust him. So now not only do we have to work on him trusting me but me trusting him again. I am brokenhearted that he would stoop so low to hurt me/teach me a lesson. Congrats! I hope it was worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Wed, 05-21-2014 - 8:47am

It sounds like an emotional train wreck. First the rape and devistation to your emotions, you handled it in your own way, which led you down a path that didn't include your husband or an emotional investment. I imagine in that time you withdrew from him. 

They say the hardships can make or break a marriage. I agree that two rights don't make a wrong and your husband should have been upfront with you. Yet he could tell you the same thing, right from the start when you didn't tell him of the rape or other things.

The emotional toll has beaten on you both, instead of drawing you together it has pushed you apart. Healing will take a long time. Right now the timing is off, once again you are invested and now he isn't. 

I am not taking his side, yet am pointing out that he is handling all of this in his own manner just as you did. Truth can be hurtful and painful. It takes great strength and a great connection to be open about things that are so painful. 

You can only be accountable for you own actions and thoughts, just as your husband is for his. I know your flings didn't have anything to do with your husband, yet he will never understand that he is taking it personally.

Wishing you peace and clarity during this extremely rough time in your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2014
Wed, 05-21-2014 - 12:12pm

Yea, I pushed him away at that point. The night it happened....I showered and bawled hysterically and then I called him home from work and told him what happened. He was suportive at that point but started treatingit like I was lying about it since I didn't want to report it nor acknowledge it happened. Unless you have been there it is hard to understand why we react the way we do to things. Plus, each person reacts differently. I grew up and married into abusive relationships so I numbed myself over the years. So, my tendencies are to file it in the very back of my cranial filing cabinet and act like it never happened. I eventually started talking to a RAINN counselor who assured me that I was reacting normally for me.

The week that all this happened we were reconnecting on an emotional and intimate level. I thought we were finally back on the right road to fixing things. We laid in bed and cuddled together, he told me he was in love with me, we sexually reconnected. Which is what not only comfuses me but hurts me the most. I was blindsided by all this after a great week together. I felt used and foolish. Despite the fact that I knew something was wrong and something was going on....I thought we were on our way.

He listened to 2 dim bulbs he works with that told him to give me a taste of my own medicine. I admit I made a lot of stupid choices that hurt my husband but he did this to get even. Am I wrong or is teaching someone a lesson the same thing as revenge?? He is acting like I have reason to be upset. Then he made the comment after I confronted this with him this morning that it started out as a lesson....what the heck does that mean? started out? He has nvested quite a bit of time talking to this girl. He says they were just talking as friends....then why hide it?? It is no different...which makes him no different than me. 

He says that he is here because he wants us to work out but in the back of my mind...he betrayed me. My heart is broken and he is making it out to be like I have no right to feel heartbroken. Ummm....hello!? You are in our bed decalring your love for me but you are hiding all of this from me then to top it off you are investing more time in a stranger than your wife in the past month?! 

I have come clean about my actions...I have made all necessary and unnecessary steps to earn his trust back. I have blocked and deleted the 2 people he doesn't want me to have contact with. I never gave either of them an explanation as to why I was stopping contact with them....just blocked them. I have offered him to put a keylogger on all my electronics to keep track of what I am doing. At one point I had a GPS tracker on my cell so he knew where I was at all times. It was crap and inaccurate otherwise I would probably still have it on my cell. He has the usernames and passwords to all my accounts. I don't erase any of my messages whether it be on my cell or on my computer. I leave all my accounts logged in so he has access to them at anytime. What more can I do?? He hasn't even done half of that. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Wed, 05-21-2014 - 7:52pm

All this hurt is so fresh. I hope when you go to counceling everything can be layed out on the line. We are enimies to our safety mechanisms, we use the to protect because we know how they work, yet they can be so hurtful and close us off.

I think with all you have both been through, there is going to be a lot of ups and downs, there is going to times when life seems normal and times when it doesn't. 

Remember the hurt you inflicted when you told him the truths? The guilt? The pain? He is feeling all of those things right now. With those things in play the mind plays with some amount of desperation. Second guessing any decisions and thoughts.

Perhaps you can work together, setting up ground rules and boundaries. Which you will both be expected to abide and remind each other of. Eliminate forms of outside advice and rely on each other to talk things through. Your husband needs to share with his parents and co-workers that this is between you and he, when the dust settles and a decision is made then he will share that decision with them and nothing more. This is your marriage, right or wrong and together as a pair you need to see if it can be salvaged. 

If there is nothing left in the heart for either of you or even one of you, then it is time to let go and begin to heal. I believe if you both truely want it to work it can, but if there continues to be doubts it won't. This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done as a couple. I wish you luck. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 05-28-2014 - 4:12pm

I  am very much in love with this man and one thing I never thought that I would ever say about him is that I can't trust him."....Now replace "man" with "woman" and "him" with "her" and you can see how your husband feels.  You seem upset and surprised that he did to you what YOU did to him. You reap what you sow in this life. If only that phrase would hit home before we make poor choices that are going to come back to haunt us. You aren't fully taking responsibility for your actions and I'm sure he can see that clear as day. You said you didn't do any of it with malicious intent but if you knew having an A would hurt him, then that's not true.

"In my mind that is worse whether he did anything else besides what i know" There's an old saying: Don't judge someone just because they sin differently than you do. Again, I'm sure he sees that you aren't taking responsibility for your actions.

Hopefully, counseling will help you both to take responsibility for what you both did to ruin the marriage and help you repair it. I hope it does and wish you nothing but the absolute best!