on verge of a broken heart / cliff......can this even work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
on verge of a broken heart / cliff......can this even work?
21
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 1:32am

hi fellow ivillagers,

i'm nervous and excited....this is crazy...i had an affair in 2004 to 2006 with a co-worker and ended up with a broken heart and a lost job (unrelated but it always seems to be a consequence somewhere).  although she would have left her husband and 2 kids for me, i couldn't leave my 3 kids and wife.  the guilt! eventually ow hubby found out and she eventually gave me the axe because i could never commit to her 100%. 

here i am, 2012 6 years later and on the verge of another affair with someone 15 years younger with me. a co-worker that i've been talking to via text and at work for the last 3 months.  things got off conversationally via a phone app game, then text and now here I am! we met tonight, first time off work, for about 15 minutes around the block to talk before she had to leave. We gave each other a hug before and after we departed. I have not doubt where this is going.  i've had this happen before. she's got 2 young kids and i've still got my 3 kids (12 and under).  we've text every night back and forth, she's sent me pics via text of her kids at home and different events.  We really wanted to see each other tonight so we did for a few minutes. No kissing, but hugging her i could smell her fragrance and started to feel intoxicated. talking to her as the moonlight shown down on her face, i could just feel the magnet and a kiss is just a matter of another meeting or two. 

i feel torn! torn because deep down i know this can only go so far. torn because i don't want to get hurt again nor risk losing my job again (unrelated to the relationship but now i'm a manager role and she's a direct report for a different team).  part of me wants to stop, but the other part tells me we can keep it at a minimum.  i don't think so and by the time i think i need stop it will be too late (as in sexual relationship and all the emotional bondage that goes on).  maybe she won't be emotionally tied but something tells me no. She's not been the aggressor, it has been me. texting her how nice she looks and such, she said its hard to receive compliments.  she likes them but i think she's not used to it.

long story short, i feel like i'm on a cliff. i think i can look over the cliff without falling. i also know its probably too late once you look over you are too far in.  the plunge into a romantic relationship is a week or 2 away. i'm overwhelmed and feel lost.  As if i don't know how i got here and feel like this is going to end up in disaster..but can't say no....the allure and false sense of "i can stop at anytime" keeps me going.

if its possible to move forward and remember to see this potential relationship for what it is (and what its not) then i may be ok but how does one keep emotions from becoming invested in a relationship like this?

Thank you :(

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  What are you really looking for?  Sex,emotional closeness,better body who enjoys sex?  Or are you devoid of emotional or sexual life and need this to feel alive?  I have had lovers,and been on all sides of affairs.  But this "broken heart" stuff is like you like doing this and then punishing your self for being "bad".  The "can't leave" is just a excuse.   Some people just are not cut out for being a lover.  IMO you are one of those people.  I strongly suggest that you see a therapist about these feelings.  I hear and read about people who can't be ruthless with themselves and play with their own emotions in a fantasy universe.  Hench the "broken heart".   Don't put yourself through the pillar to post of uncontrolled romantic feelings. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Xxxs, Wow that was a sobering reply. What does it mean to be "cut out to be a lover"? And you said you have had several so I'm curious how you've been successful at this? It's exciting to be reeled in and also reel someome in. Guilt and consequence seems to be tied to all this. Hence there must be some fundamental concepts and practices you follow in order to enjoy the moments / pleasure without getting hurt! Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Just stop this now!  I never had an affair myself when I was married but it seems like the people who are "successful" in having affairs, if you could call it that, when they don't have any intention of leaving the marriage are the ones who can do it just for the fun & sex and not get emotionally involved.  It doesn't seem like you are like that since your last affair left you broken hearted.  And what did you expect?  I'd guess that fewer women than men can have sex and not get emotionally involved.  So you pursue this woman to start an affair who has children, for what?  So you can break up her marriage too?  What happens if your DW finds out this time?  What if you get sued for sexual harrassment (even though it doesn't sound like you are doing it, but it wouldn't stop some people from suing)?  What if you do lose your job because your boss finds out & think it's inappropriate for a married manager to be having an affair?  I can't see any good outcome coming from this.  I agree w/ xxxs that you need some kind of therapy to figure out what is luring you into this.  If you feel so guilty about leaving your kids, then think about how they might feel if they found out you were cheating on their mom! Put your effort into your marriage.  and if you felt that your marriage was over, then at least be honorable and get divorced before you start fooling around with someone else--and then start dating women who are actually single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007

Why exactly are you looking to have an A? You should really do some soul searching and determine why you feel the need for excitement with an outside partner. Maybe you need to talk to your W about an open M? The thing is, you don't get to decide by yourself whether you want to stay M and have an A and not consult your W. Your W may not want to share her H. The choice is not yours alone to decide. Before you take the plunge ask yourself why you can't stay faithful. My XH was like you, he needed multiple partners. It was the way he was wired. When I had an A it was an exit A because I needed to get away from a serial cheater who wanted to stay M but needed several women for the ego strokes because one woman was never enough. I am re-married (to my XAP) and he is a great guy with a lot of integrity who needs only me. It feels good to have a H who isn't always "looking" for another woman. My XH is still single at 50 and has had several live-in gf and he cheated on all of them. Therapy might be in order for you if you want to stay M. Your family deserves better and if your W is faithful to you she deserves a faithful H. Making a decision to put her in an open M is not fair to her. She should have a choice in the matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Hi myrasfriend / musiclover12 I've read your feedback over and over again because I know everything you are saying is true. It actually hurts because its so convicting. The long term consequences appear to outweigh the short term pleasure. I feel like my heart has an anvil tied to it after reading your feedback I can't thank you both enough far caring and taking the time to write such profound and applicable solutions. Ow (again she's 15 my jr @ 30) and no intimacy (kissing or next steps) have occurred yet but it's inevitable. It just when I decide to make the move. I don't have this need to have ongoing partners. I think it's partly the challenge of one gal along with the appeal of risk. It's fun because its great to be passionate with someone verbally and physically. I don't understand how it's even possible to run off and marry an person you had an A with since each partner would be weary of trust correct? And I have no desire to see my own kids in a broken home (I came from one). I guess taking this to the limit but not putting our families at risk is what I'm after. Is that even possible? The immediate fun/risk/excitement of a short term A seems feasible but emotions seem to bound everyone involved. Then add the fact that I would be devastated if my W did it to me almost feels hypocritical. Believe me, all this is weighing on me more than ever
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Also I keep thinking I can stop at anytime. Maybe after a couple of make out sessions then pull back. Something else tells me that may not be so
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004

ok i have a confession......i kissed her today. 1st time.  cut out a mistletoe and placed it an area at my office. kissed briefly then we met around the corner and made out for about 10 minutes.  it was nice. exciting. energizing. different.  risky.  you name it, i liked it BUT i'm actually still me and not feeling anything deep emotionally at all.  I feel horrible about my W but OW and I have not actually become intimate.  I think i'm content to let it stay like this.  Is this normal? I guess I don't want to get intimate.  That may, and i emphasize may, take things to a deeper and darker level.  that means families could be torn apart. I don't want that.  

Everything that has been said here is true.  i can't sleep at night i got back to reading the feedback left here.  i can't risk losing everything for something that may not go the distance.  probably won't go the distance because how can two cheating lovers trust each other if they come together? i'm not even thinking about going that far.  i don't think she is either. 

One other think..her mother and father divorced. her father remarried and has stayed married. her mother has remarried 3x already and is now single dating.  i could not help but think if that has had an influence on her decision to get close to me since her and her h are having issues from what i'm told outside of her.  my parents split, mom never remarried and my D was a ladies man taking advantage of it.  he's now a lonely man..single..no one with him. no one wants to be like that. i know i don't :(

Thank you for your help and i feel like ivillage feedback is this leash that won't let me ruin my life by pulling me back into reality.  i can't thank you enough!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007

 probably won't go the distance because how can two cheating lovers trust each other if they come together?

Well, I married my AP and we have a great M. I have found that the urge to cheat can hit you at certain times if you allow your boundaries with the opposite sex to become loose. I found that my A was the result of something awry in me and not because of a bad M. I sought counseling and found out how to remain committed and I have been M to my current H for 17 years and I protect myself and my M from an A. My XH was like you. He always felt the need to get attention from outside of the M. Thinking that the A you are having will never go further is naive at best. Of course if you keep flirting with her it will go further and the guilt will only get worse. I left my XH after the first time I had s*x during my A. It was just too much for me to have slept with another man and come home to a H. Some ppl can do it with no feelings but I just couldn't and never will be able to do that.  I hope that you will find peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
did you have kids with your H? and AP now your H? How do people just leave when there are kids involved? Also, does this create more chaos with blended families? I have not had s#x yet with ap just kissing first time last week. we text daily but we have not gotten no where near able to discuss her h and my w. just don't want to go there. i thought long and hard and still am, about how judgement gets clouded as someone gets "involved" from what they perceive is a safe distance. its as if you feel you have not left your w or h and having a kissing affair is nothing but now my mind gets clouded. thinking about ap and things i used to think were not possible are possible. its my heart clouding my judgement. i told myself early on that this could go no where because of the obvious issues (15 yr gap, not into some things ap is into for hobbies and seeing some pics that made me think she was not that attractive). now here i am and some of those things are not as important because my emotions are clouding my mind. even now i feel safe because all we did was kiss. i think the s@x thing is a ways off and even then if that happens its the one thing i don't think will end well when its time. its like a fly stuck in the trap..by the time you get to the s#x issue its too late. emotions could change for ap and i already had that happen once. don't think i can afford to have another ap want to leave their h for me when i don't have the courage to do it to my w and offspring.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008

ivbrokenheart,  You do know that you are posting on an all sides of an Affair board right?  I am a former betrayed spouse and I can tell you that "kissing" and "make-out" sessions are part of an A and not some precursor to an A.  They are also just as damaging to the betrayed spouse/marriage and family as having sex but from your responses it seems you do not see what you are doing as 'actually an A'.  At the very least you are in an EA (emotional affair) with this person and IMHO you have crossed the line into a physical relationship with the "make-out" sessions.  You are being intimate with this woman even if you do not have IC.

Please get yourself some professional counseling.  It isn't fair to the others in your life who will face the fallout from this.  Your wife deserves to know the truth to make her own decisions for the direction of her life.  It isn't fair for you to have an open marriage and your wife kept in the dark and not be allowed to make her own choices.

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