We are far from perfect

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2014
We are far from perfect
11
Sat, 01-04-2014 - 5:30pm

Not sure we're doing this affair thing right. There's no regret, no angst, no guilt. Agreed on NSA, and that's just what it is. We don't make crazy promises or demands on each other. There's no drama. There's no regrets. There's NO talk of "love." We know we are not #1 and do not aspire to take that role.

We are definitely emotionally attached, text nearly every day about anything and everything. We were best friends in school, then dated and broke up. Reconnected after a high school reunion, intimate for a year now. Both of us have been married to our spouses for nearly 20 years. The 4 of us hang out often and are great friends.

We meet occasionally for incredible sex that would put teenagers to shame. (Most would call us liars if we ever shared details of our times together!) Neither of us can believe how well our bodies still respond to each other. Magnetic. Everything that we can't get from our spouses, sexually and intellectually and emotionally, we get from each other. And that keeps our marriages very happy.

What are we doing? It's simple. We love our spouses, but it's difficult to put everything onto one person while you evolve without changing the very person you fell in love with in the first place. As time goes on, such differences can lead to hate and divorce. We don't bash our spouses or each other's spouses. We know we are far from perfect. 

Is there a risk of our spouses finding out? Possibly. Divorce? Unlikely. There could be a case made for betrayal of trust and honesty, yet has there been suffering or lack of love with our spouses and families? We are there to encourage each other to take risks in our careers, make amends with family and keep the peace with our spouses. We share a deep friendship and unspoken bond. This isn't justification, but an explanation.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006
Mon, 01-06-2014 - 6:25am

Well Cali-Tempest (Tempest? May i ask why? Does it have anything to do with Joey Tempest, the drop dead gorgeous singer of a Swedish rock band “Europe” :)? ) – this

 *What are we doing? It's simple. We love our spouses, but it's difficult to put everything onto one person while you evolve without changing the very person you fell in love with in the first place. As time goes on, such differences can lead to hate and divorce. We don't bash our spouses or each other's spouses. We know we are far from perfect.*

 makes an awful lot of sence in my eyes and is very true.. just sadly it doesn’t always really work that simply in life.. always complicated, always twisted.. always something that is not just black and white..

 Allow me to conclude with this, and im very far from judging – but - *The 4 of us hang out often and are great friends* - I think this is an extremely risky situation that you are in .. you are risking an awful lot.. are you not scared to loose them all, spouse, ap and friends if/when it all comes out.. to play with your life like this? I know I personally would never be able to be that brave...

 Wish you all the best regardless..

Rocklady

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2014
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 11:28pm

Laughing Got me! 

It may seem risky, but no one would ever guess the truth, even knowning our history. Both of us are seen as far "too square" and not as the other's type. We have no excuse for our behavior, we just want sex with each other. Would I lose "everything" if the affair was discovered? Not even close. Would AP? No. If we really wanted to hurt our spouses, we could end our marriages and move on together. Make it an affair of the heart, instead of just the body. This keeps it uncomplicated.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 01-13-2014 - 1:02pm

What I've seen from all the years hanging on various affair boards is the idea that we have total control...that we know, or are prepared for, the consequences of a discovery day.  Because what happens in most cases when a Discovery Day occurs, is that no one was ever prepared....because no one can truly predict how people respond in the face of betrayal.  And often times, all control is taken away from the wayward spouse and assumed by the betrayed spouse.

What is it that makes you so confident that 'losing everything if discovered would 'not even be close'?

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2014
Wed, 01-15-2014 - 10:23pm

Most "discovery days" are just filled with threats, lies and emotions. The "victim" often plays their power with threats of leaving, telling the world, turning the kids against the parent. Those are not part of our equation.

It'd be a huge lie to say, "it'll never happen again," like is often promised. I'm not the first, and realistically, probably won't be the last. Ask any thief, getting caught only teaches how to be even sneakier, not how to live happily forever after (in your marriage.)

It's not easy to happily lead a double life. Why even try? Because each relationship is worth it, in its own way. For now.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 01-16-2014 - 12:08am

As as I said previously, one 'never' know how one or both spouses will react. You have your ideas from the experiences you've seen, I guess.

This is my experience after being on affair boards for quite some time:  Physical violence,  suicide, people losing their marriage, their spouse, both families, friends, ending up with joint custody of the children, lose jobs, their standing in the community, be harrassed endlessly and their lives made miserable...pretty easy to do these days with all the social media available to do so. We read about murder in the news.  

I think you are being naive or just playing naive, but I hope you never have a Discovery Day that tests just how you think things will play out.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2014
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 11:21pm
I am very logical and far from naive. I do have several "Discovery Days" under my belt between my ex's and spouse. The world kept on spinning and nobody died. No killing, no threats, no violence. I left one mult-drug-addicted cheating ex without a word. My inlaws accidentally let slip an indiscretion awhile back. [As for the other spouse and judgmental friends, rocks and glass houses apply.] Kids and community are non-issues, as is my job security. We wouldn't even be saddled with splitting up our property/finances, since we separated those long ago.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 10:24am

Yes, of course, the world keeps spinning and no one has died in your experience, but what are you leaving in your wake?

Why do you even marry if you know yourself incapable of monogomy?

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2014
Mon, 01-20-2014 - 4:08am
So, having a sexual history means I am incapable of monogamy? IMHO, that's pretty narrow. My spouse was caught cheating before my affair started. My ex, (was prior to being involved with my spouse) was a serial cheater. I was faithful until 5 months ago, even though you seem to assume our marital vows included "forsaking all others for as long as we both shall live." [Which I insisted be left out, since my spouse has a prior marriage.] I will bow out of this discussion now since you are an iVillage CL and represent iVillage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Wed, 01-29-2014 - 5:07pm

Cali-Tempest-

Hi. What I am thinking is why don't you ask your husband for an open marriage? You both seem to want to stay wed to each other, yet he hasn't been monogamous with you and you don't want to be monogamous with him. With an agreement in place, there won't be a sense of deceit and betrayal if you or your husband get caught with someone else. In general, I am not a fan of open relationships, but I think your situation is one where it might be a good idea.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 02-04-2014 - 10:40pm

Just because I am a Community Leader, doesn't mean we can not debate all sides of an affair.  iVillage does *NOT provide some script I must adhere to.  And my opinions do not reflect those of the iVillage.  So, if you are still around....

You posted on an affair debate board.  People who post in comprise of the other woman, the other man, wayward spouses and betrayed spouses.

You talk about having it all figured out...how you think everything would play out if you had a discovery day...I'm debating that you couldn't possibly.

Is it because the 'forsaking all others' was left out of the vows, so it's kinda like a loophole...something you can fall back on as in, "'Hey, we never said we would forsake all others."  Why not have an open marriage?

So, you insisted those words be left out...Why? You said your spouse had a prior marriage...that what? in which she had an affair? or her husband had an affair on her?  

Clarity

  

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Pages