Weird reaction to a maybe affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2014
Weird reaction to a maybe affair?
Wed, 07-09-2014 - 3:55pm

Hi!  I'm new to the boards and want to say thanks for reading.

First off I want to say, I'm very happy in my marriage.  Ww have been married 5 years with 2 small children.  I love my husband very much and we have a great relationship although maybe sometime sexually boring bc well we have babies.  

Recently my husband has been traveling more frequently for work and I'm aware that he meets all types of people on the road.  After a recent trip where he was gone for 2 weeks I accidently noticed some texts on his phone that hinted towards some sort of something with another women while he was gone.  

I dug a little bit but not further than just checking his email I know the password to and his phone one other time (he had deleted the messages at that point) but nothing was concrete. i did find a ashley madison account that he had created but there was nothing on there.

I'm not the type to get instantly angry, I need time to mull things over in my brain.  And after thinking about it I thought i would confront him about it, but I haven't.  The more I think about it, the less I care.

Isn't that awful?!  The most anger I can feel about it is that he has a social life that I'm missing being home with two littles.  I'm so jealous, not that he did or might have had sex with someone else, but that he got to sit and have dinner with another adult with no babies hanging on him.  

I know I should be mad and I did tell him how I felt he had so much freedom, but without mentioning what I knew about the woman.  

Have I lost my mind?  Not normal right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 07-09-2014 - 11:46pm

First of all, you don't KNOW anything.  You suspect!  Unfortunately, where there's smoke, there's usually fire!  Secondly, don't say you don't care if there is another woman, because you do.  But I think as you say, you care MORE that some other woman is getting the romantic dinners, and getting treated like a "woman", while you feel you're being treated like the wife and mother.  And that's probably true.  But it takes two to tango.......and marriage is a lot more than saying vows and producing children.  A marriage is between two matter about how many kids you have, eventually, they leave home and you're looking at this man you live he's a stranger, and he's looking at you the same way......and maybe is already looking at you that way.  You say the sex is boring because you have babies?  What do babies have to do with your sex life?  Your husband didn't marry you so that you could produce babies....he married you because he was in love with you, he thought you were beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, whatever.  What do you do to keep him looking at you in the same way?  Even if you have babies, you can still dress nice, fix your hair, wear makeup.......especially if he's travelling, that's what he should come home to.  And your babies aren't in bed with you.......and don't blame boring sex on them.  Why can't you two have a "date night" where you get dressed up and go out for a romantic dinner?  Why can't you do that?  There are baby sitters for the kids......and you can be free for an evening.  IF he's cheated on you, or thinking about it......maybe he feels neglected,  just like you do.  You need to sit this man down and TALK to him (forget "confronting"......that just puts him on the defensive!)  Tell him you miss your romantic times, and you want to have them again.  Make an actual date, and plan for it.  Get some sexy lingerie and go to bed in that, not an old t-shirt of his.  Give him a REASON to get frisky in bed.  You ARE jealous of the possibility of another woman getting what YOU stop being a wife and mother once in a while and be the sexy woman he married.  She's still in there.  Whatever he's done, is in the past, you can't change it, but you can change your marriage in a way that he'll want to be with you and no one else..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-10-2014 - 11:22am

I think that for some women, even if they find out that their DH did have an affair, the anger is not really about the sex, it's more about the possible emotional connection that he found with someone else.  I know it can be really draining to take care of little kids and you spend so much time meeting their needs that you don't want to have to meet your DH's needs too.  I'd say do what you can to make sure that you keep the emotional connection with your DH and get some time together w/o the kids.  You also deserve some time for yourself w/ no kids so do what you can to get that too.  

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 07-10-2014 - 2:40pm

Your reaction is certainly not the reaction you see from most people. If truly feel as you say you do and hopefully you are not covering up your real feelings or denying them.

It seems a small percentage of people in this world can separate love from the physical. Meaning you say you love your H, but are not much bothered by the idea he could have had a physical fling. Perhaps it would be different if you felt he had fallen for another woman emotionally. There are people who practice open marriages and that sort of thing. Maybe you are one of those people who would be ok with that sort of arrangement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2014
Thu, 07-10-2014 - 3:02pm

Thanka for the replies. Yes, I've always been able to separate sex from an emotional connection it's just how I'm wired. I've always thought to myself when hearing othera talk about an affair being a deal breaker, that it doesn't make sense to me it all, it's just sex. I would feel emotionally betrayed if I though H was pouring his problems about me or our family to someone else, but not if he was just trying to fill some type of attention deficient in our relationship. 

As far as how do babies = boring sex? Well some forget what it's like to have tiny ones that take all your emotional tank. H and I spend every second we can together when we can and have dates every week. We both have very hi libidos but after I have a baby it drops way down, hopefully understandably. 

Maybe I should "try harder" but honestly for a fea more months that's just not going to be the case. Waking up throughout the night and BFing 24/7 just dont make for sexy time mommy. 

If DH is making that up through out of town meetups I can understand, but I feel like I want to stomp my feet and yell I want some outside attention too, from someone other than my husband that has to say I'm great and sexy when I'm not that way. 

I have given thought about open marriage arrangements before, so it's funny you mention it.  Whether or not either of us would act on it often I'm not sure but I think we would both benefit from having the option on the table. 

And a lot of it just comes with the freedom a dad had over a mom, H is a great dad and super involved and helpful, but do you think when he usea the bathroom he has to worry about kids coming in? No! Lol, can he go out with his friends and not worry about how long before he has to come home and pump? yes! 

I wish I could be normal and mad that he might be cheating but it's just really really not about that, I'm just social and like as many people in my life as possible and I'm just at that season of life where the people are under 3ft. 

I thank you guys for giving advice! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-10-2014 - 8:52pm

Maybe you should basically tell him what you told us about the kids and how draining it is--not to accuse him of anything but to have him understand what your life is like andd that although you love the kids and love being a mom, it's such a 24/7 job and sometimes you just need a break to be an adult and not think about the kids.  I just remember those days and even sometimes when you & your DH go out for dinner, you end up spending all the time talking about the kids unless you make a conscious effort not to talk about them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Tue, 07-15-2014 - 12:51pm
I really don't get it when ppl say they don't care if their spouse has s*x with someone else. Probably because I don't believe in polygamy but that is just me. If you want an open M and your DH has already joined AM he obviously does also, why not just approach him with the idea. You should be able to communicate your deepest feeling with your DH. I know it's hard with little ones. They are so much work and joy at the same time. Get out, get a babysitter and do things just for you. Pamper yourself and take time away from the little ones. You need me time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2014
Mon, 07-21-2014 - 4:43pm

Yes sounds like you would be up to an open relationship but I would try the date night every week first and then maybe it will work it self out that way.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 2:27pm
You most certainly DO care if he has sex with another woman. No one 'accidentally notices' texts on their spouse's phone. You pick it up and LOOK for them. Then you dug further and checked his e-mail. People who don't care what their spouse does don't go snooping through their phone & e-mail looking for evidence of infidelity. If your relationship is as good as you say it is, then TALK to him about how you're feeling! You owe it to yourself and your marriage to COMMUNICATE!

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