What a rut!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2013
What a rut!
3
Fri, 05-10-2013 - 3:44pm

So a year ago, I started dating this really cool guy, nice looking and fun to be with.  Of course, when I wasn't invited to his house the red flag went up and by the time he confessed after I asked, I was already very much in lust with him.  He gave me the whole story of how they weren't working out and I let the violins play but my gut was telling me that he was being truthful.  He would spend late nights with me and never a phone call.  We would hang out on the weekends with never a hint that he was pressed for time.  So I convinced myself that he was being forthcoming.  We would often talk about his situation at home and it was like, I knew the truth so there was never a need to lie on his part or make up sceneraio to make me feel good.  Occassionally, he had family functions and events, of which he would just tell me.  I accepted it for what it was.

A few weeks ago, I noticed that he had become quite distant so I called him on it..When he told me he was sorry that he was keeping his distance due to events that had happened in his house, I questioned it.  He said he was packing, so I automatically assumed that he was going on a family vacation.  In reality, he was packing to move out.  He explained that he finally realized that it was senseless for him to continue with her, it was not good for him, her or their daughter...HIS WORDS!  That he wanted to keep me as a separate situation in his life. He needed to settle down somewhere or figure out what he was going to do with his 13 years of personal items. I think she kicked him out, probably found out about me or whatever. So I have stepped back and gave him his space.  Not for nothing but I have tried to treat this as if he were my friend and not his lover.  Being understanding of what he must be going thru, since I left my marriage to find peace of mind.  I know its is difficult to have to pack it all in a start again no matter where you end up.

However, I didnt think that I would get totally cut off.  Its only been a few days now but I haven't heard from him.  I've texted and no response, I've called but no answer.  With this being said, I'm assuming that I should leave well enough alone.  Maybe he has decided to give it the one last try, and I can't blame him.  Family is important.  Just don't know if given the opportunity should I take him into my life again.  Cause right now I dont even know.  I think about all the times I told him that this situation wasn't ideal for me.  I'm not a home wrecker, but he would always say that the home was a wreck before I was ever a thought.  And often, he would ask me what I wanted him to do about his situation, which I always responded that I could not make that choice for him.  He would have to decide that on his own. 

It really is a confusing situation to be, especially when I haven't heard from him and I dont know what is going on.  But I am prepared to keep it moving.  Maybe he is working it out with her and embarrassed to tell me.  Either way I need some closure.  I really wouldn't want to lose him in my life, but I left my own drama behind 5 years ago..I dont want to deal with someone elses no matter how much I love him.  ARUGGHHhh!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
In reply to: invarican
Sun, 05-12-2013 - 2:25am

Well it sounds like you assume he is moving out.  He may just be looking for some space to get his head clear and life together.  I guess if you really like him I would suggest you give him some time.  However, this could become very messy with his family involved.  

I really applaud your attitude to stay cool with the situation.  It seems like you are analyzing it with your brain and are not just motivated by your heart.  You seem to be a strong, reasonable woman. I don't really have any advice, but I imagine the first year after a marriage breakup could be messy and problematic.  His emotions may be all over the place, and there is a distinct possibility he could go running back home out of guilt or home sickness, financial concerns, or whatever.  

So be prepared.  Is he worth the aggravation and upheavel of another year of your life, or could you maybe start looking out for your own freedom and more appropriate lovers?  Stand back for a few days or weeks and decide if he is worth it.  If he isn't contacting you then he is not planning to run into your arms.just yet.If ever.. Maybe a good thing, maybe not.  Keep your eyes wide open and sending you the very best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2013
In reply to: invarican
Sun, 06-30-2013 - 5:41pm

During my husbands affair, he told her the same things you described, told her he love her, they talked about a life together and of course our problems were my fault. When I found out I kicked him out. He dropped her immediately and began a crusade to get me and his life back. Cheaters are liars honey, when you found out he was married you should have run like hell. My husband told me he never planned to leave for her. He lied to everyone. Think about it, cheating, telling lies, same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2014
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 10:56pm

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