what shoud I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009
what shoud I do?
11
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 8:39am

Hello

 

Its been close to four years since I was on this site.  Back then I was looking for answers and guidance on my situation that I never would have thought I would ever be in. Which was I was having a Affair. Here I am today at what I believe is a cross roads in my life. I would like to share some of my past and experience and hope that some may be able to shed some light on my situation or if anything give your opinion.

 

Not sure where to start. May be helpful if I briefly layout some of my past to give a picture of what I have experienced and abit of who I am.

 

First off. I am a man.  46 years old now. Grew up in a typical middle income traditional family of Mom, Dad, and a younger sister. No bad drama in my life. Grew up doing the right thing…for the most part…I am a guy after all. Lol  But all in all a typical good guy. Which looking back has been kind of a curse as it does seem that some of the greatest women I have ever met have hooked up with some selfish men. But that’s a different topic..lol

 

I married when I was 33 to a woman who at the time I got along with. Had a few things in common that we enjoyed doing. We had fun doing things but we never really spent much time really getting to know each other. To busy doing things and being on the go. We had similar goals. She was older than me. Both did not have any kids. Both open to having a child. After a year of dating she took me out on a dinner date. She told me that she was pregnant..about 2 months along. She told me had been wanting a child so very much but never wanted to have child in her previous marriage ( of 12 years) with her ex.

She told me she would understand if I did not want to have anything to do with her or the child as it was her decision and that she decided to go off the pill and not tell me.

 

Long story short I married her a few months later and in the fall our child was born. All went well for about a year. Towards the end of the first year I noticed behavior in her that she did not show while we were dating. Over the next year I learned more of who and how she really was. Not really a bad person and I am not going the bash her.

 

After three years of marriage it was clear I was in marriage that was not remotely what I thought I would be in or wanted. I found myself alone with my 3 year old son sharing a home with woman who was more concened with her family ( not us ) and who was always gone out and about with her brothers partying. Spend the next few years trying to get her to see my side of things.

 

Six years ago after a summer of being alone and it being crystal clear that I did not have a partner and lover in my life. One night late summer I was on the computer looking for options. While I figured I would be in this marriage till at least my son grew up I began to

Think its not right I should live a life without any sexual contact.  I am a Pisces so that kind of contact is difficult to live without and I had gone for many years without.

 

I found the AM site and joined it. After a month or so I made contact with someone. Met her for lunch  but nothing happened. Discovered that while I wanted sex, that I was truly not the cheating kind. So months went by. In the spring of the following year I got back on the AM site out of boredom. Revised my profile. Next day I got a message for my future AP. Instantly from the first message we hit it off. We messaged like school kids for the next few months. Just amazing mental chemistry. We were able to talk about anything and both eagerly to the next message from the other.

 

In early summer we met. We had shared a pic of each other via emails but when we met it was like magic. I was in awe of her when she came to me…speechless, my heart skipping beats and a amazing feeling of happiness flowing from my soul.

 

We clicked in person just as we did in our emails. Went for a walk on the beach..,walking hand in hand. Talking like we had known each other for ever. Even kissed for the first time. After that meeting we did not see each other for a month which I though was odd. We talked on phone and emailed daily but she seemed to dodge meeting.

 

Should give a brief back ground of her. She married while still in college to a guy who is abit older than her. He is Doctor that is successful. He make a very large amount of money. They have a few kids which at the time we met the oldest was about 12. Her spouse is excessively controlling and keeps her on a tight leash so to speak. About the only things they have in common is that they are Father and Mother to the kids. While I am sure the have or had somethings incommon when they were married. About all they seemed to have then and now is a showcase marriage to friends and the public of a successful Doctor, Attractive wife and children living a perfect life. But listening to her over the summer and over the years that is not the reality of it.

 

We did begin to see each other about once a week. Going for walks and drives. We would fool around and kiss and some limited sexual type fun but no full on sex or intercourse. Most of our time we was spend talking and sharing. At the end of the summer we did have sex..which was good but I could sense in her holding back as it was not a free and natural compared to how we kissed and fooled around. At the time I felt is was just me. Seemed odd as I was not the type of man to cheat and my prior exp had proven that. But with AP I crossed the line no hesitation or regret.

 

Then fate dealt a cruel blow as the next day she was informed she was going to lose her job. Which her Spouse hated that she worked…and she worked all the time. Did not need to due to his income. Knew in my heart she worked a lot to be away from him. She took losing her job hard and also was having guilt issues over us having sex. She was offered another position with the company but she said she was not interested in the new job.

 

She told me she thought it was best that we parted ways. Which I did not agree with as I felt we had something special. That what we had was not just a Affair. She told me no and said she could not see me any more.  I told her I don’t feel same but I respected her wishes. Seven hours later she texted me saying she felt like she just made the biggest mistake of her life.

 

Next few weeks we did not see each other but talked a lot about how sad she was about losing her job. She was getting not comfort from her spouse. She had poured her heart into the job and was good at it but due to corporate restructuring she got pushed out.

 

One fall day we met for a walk and I learned more about her marriage. I was lead to believe that she felt neglected and was treated as a possession. A trophy wife as they say. Which from all I had learned I would say was true. But there was more. The true reason she got on the AM site was that a 8 months previous she caught her spouse having a Affair. Which when confronted he denied and actually hit her for finding out and confronting him. She had gotten on the site to get even and had not plans of meeting someone who may care for her.

 

Throughout this time I was having stronger feelings for her that grew daily. I was having a difficult time trying to comprehend what was happening and how I was feeling. It was during this time I got on this site for some type of answers and advice. Which looking back the one I should have followed was the end the Affair as they rarely turn out good. But ending it was not a option for me and while if I had I would not be in the situation I am in now. I would have missed know the most wonderful woman I have ever known and having the greatest feelings of Love that I can ever imagine. Although with great feelings of love also came some very tough sad times.

 

Over the next year we talked a lot on the phone and from time to time saw each other. But things were different. We did not have much naughty talk like we had at times in the past. But we grew to know each other more. We both wanted to see each other but when we did there was this invisible wall that prevented us from getting close. But we continued to be close. There would be times I did not hear from her for weeks at a time.

 

The following  year I would see her. I would help her out at a animal sanctuary she has. Which her spouse hates but he lets her have it and funds it for her as it keeps her happy and in check.. obligated to him as she has a great love for animals…as do I. He would go off on vacation and she would stay home most of the time. It was then we could spend time together. But just as friends……but unknowing to both of us was really bringing us closer and building a solid foundation of friendship and love.

 

After that summer things were in limbo with us. Without a change in her life there was not way for us to go much further. So over past two years we stayed in contact by phone and once in awhile seeing each other briefly at the sanctuary. As at times when things would fall in disrepair I would go over and fix things. Was a way we shared with each other was our love of the animals. I often I would wonder how things there seem to deteriorate when one would think if her spouse did care for her and her interests he would have things fixed or improved for her. At least that’s how I was raised. My father always supported my mother in her endeavors and interests…even at the expense of his own.

 

Even though I continued to have strong feelings for her I kept them to myself. From time time she show would tell me of a event or act of how her spouse acted or mistreated her. Neglecting her. Not allowing her to do things other than take care of the kid all the while he was free to do his interests. One being part of a amatuer acting and play group. Bcause his job was “so stressfull and tiring he needed a release” which when I would here about things he was never home. Leaving in the morning to his office and not coming home till 11 at night and being gone on the weekends. Which in the back my mind set off red flags of what really was going on. About six months ago she commented on how he was working out a lot and was getting in very good shape. Which she wondered what that was about. In my mind I thought “ he is fucking around on you” but I kept my mouth shut. I had decided awhile back to let go and pull back some…not to get to involved as all it ever did was hurt me as she was intent to stay married for the kids and that she “ loved him”…that and I am sure the money his profession provided also helped.  She also said how the play group he was involved with was not having another play starting for a few weeks and  that he was  having to come home earlier….that he was  always depressed and drinking. Which again I thought to myself “ course he is cause he does not have a reason to be gone”

 

About 4 months ago she started talking to me more about things. She had to go in for a surgery on her arm and shoulder which was going to leave her in upper body cast for a month after the surgery and then take months or rehab. She was  scared and upset about the surgery and also her not being able to take care her kids, animals and herself for that matter. He spouse told her that he would not help her with the animals. She asked him to take some time off to help her recuperate. Which he said if she like he would admitted to a in care department of the hospital for the eldery for a month. She would be in the hospital to re coop and when he was at the hospital he would visit her. Which she did not want to be in the hospital….she wanted to be home.

 

The all was upsetting for her. She was stressing over the animal sanctuary which she found some people to feed the animals but she was scared they would not do it properly. Esp in the winter months coming. I told her not to worry I would keep and eye on things and whatever happened I would take care of it. Which I have done all winter long.

 

Her spouse knows I exist. He know we are friends and he knows I have feelings for her. Does not know all of our past. Needless to say he does not like me or want her around me.

 

She had her surgery . A family member came to take care of her for a few weeks. Give her the pain killers and take care of the kids and her. Her spouse did not take anytime off work and two days after her coming home he was off doing what he wanted.

 

A week later the family member had to go back home to take care of their own family and go to work. A few days later it happened. Her spouse left her and she discovered he was having a Affair with a 25 year old woman. That this had been going on for some time ( probably longer than she knows ) as he even had a condo rented  where him and the OW would meet and spend time.

 

Needless to say this has brought some major discussions and fights between them. He admitted to it then two days later denied it. The went to a marriage consouler. He told the consouler and her that he had broken off contact with the OW and that it was nothing and meant nothing. The truth was he had not and was still seeing her and they spent Valentines Day together. As my AP found recipts for the gifts he bought the other woman.

 

My AP has sought legal console. She has not file as of yet. Not sure she will. She has been very messed up. The past month her and I have had some major deep discussions about many things. In some ways it has brought us closer together but I am unsure of the outcome of things. Which is messing me up as all my suppressed feelings are come to the surface.

 

Last week we spent the afternoon together. Just a simple meeting. Lunch and a movie. Which I was so very happy to be with her. Words cant describe how happy I was. We had a great time talking and laughing. Just being happy

 

I have not heard from her except for a text message last Friday saying she was not doing good…they went to a couple consoler meeting. I am not sure what was said but she said she was devastated by what was said. I know in the past her spouse be littles her and degrades her. Odd how he says he wants to stay married to her and he loves her…but then also says she is worthless and no man would want her if they divorced. Which is not true.

 

I could write a lot more and know I have not included everything but this has turned out to be quite long. I would appreciate some insight. Esp on how woman think in situations like this.

 

How can she stay married to a man who lies to her….degrades her…insults her….show no remorse or guilt for his actions…. blames her for his actions…does not support, nuture and encourage her?  Is the money worth it? She cant say she is staying for this kids…as they know. They found out at school when classmates told them. Rumors were spreading. His comment to his young son was “ it part of his job…all the Doctors have Affairs”    The kids are telling her to divorce him! When the consoler asked them to write down 10 things they love about each other…he wrote he loved her because she was the most beautiful woman in the county…she did a good job taking care of the kids…..was a good cook and good in bed.

 

I am at a loss of what to do or say. I love her more than life itself. I was so happy last week but am having a difficult functioning at my work. While I  don’t make as much as he does. I do make a good living and provide for her. We have a connection that both of us knows exists. We are different in some ways but alike in other. We have a understanding of each other that I have never had with anyone else. I know deep inside that whatever is happening with her and her spouse will have a impact on us. As if she takes him back it will be the end of us. While I was able to suppress my feelings in the past I am not going to be able to do it again. No way I could talk to her and be there for her when she stays with him after this.

 

Will she stay with him as the intial shock and pain of his acts wears off. This is not the first time he has cheated on her. Appears to be at least 2 times in the past 4 years. Sound like there may have been other times in the past as well. Also she told me he did tell her he has feelings for this one. She read copies of some emails he sent the OW which where very telling ( OW husband made copies of the emails her found and gave them to AP )

 

What do I do? What do you think she will do? Also for the record. When I met her I was married. When her and I started to distance from each other a few years ago. I took some to look at myself and reflect on who I am and what my life is. Last summer my wife and I separated for the summer. There are many issues and some involve our son. As he has issues with her not being there for him when he was young and now that he is older he does not want much to do with her. There relationship was very bad last year. It has gotten some what better but is still damaged. We are getting a divorce. I only mentioned it once to AP last summer. I did not decide to separate or divorce for her. At the time I never thought she would ever get a divorce. Now that seem like a possibility. Which has me all turned around. My wish in life is to be with her but I have fears of losing her.Which would be devastating to me…..as she is the ONE. Any thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated. I am not a man to run a round a tell stories or talk about my feelings and trouble freely. BUT she is the most important person in my life. She is part of me and without her I don’t live…I merely exist.  I am knocked off balance not knowing what to do and what the future may be

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 10:02am

IMO,  Your AP had an affair on her H and her H had an A on her.  Neither one is more or less 'guilty' than the other.  A's create "neglect" by the spouse having them. The energy, emotion and focus of the WS is given to the AP not the spouse or the marriage. This is destructive to all involved.

You asked for an opinion, I would suggest your AP works on her own life.  She needs to learn to be happy without her H in contol of her or you waiting in the wings to 'fix' things for her.  I would suggest the same for you. Go through with your D  and focus on finding happiness within yourself and make sure your son grows up a well balanced and happy child.  Perhaps some counseling for your son will help him understand his relationship with his mother and he can build a better one with her.  

You are only hearing one side of the story from your AP.  Perhaps her H felt just as neglected as she did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 11:02am

There could be many reasons that your AP decides to stay w/ her spouse:  she really likes the money & status, she doesn't want the social stigma of being divorced, she doesn't want to split up the time she spends with her kids, she is afraid to be alone (I hear this many times from people on these boards who are in objectively horrible relationships & you think that being alone would certainly be better than being abused), she really doesn't want to be with you as much as you want to be with her.  she needs to figure out her own situation and what she wants to do.  I think  you should step back somewhat until she does that.  I know there are some situations where people who met from having an affair do end up happily married but I also think it's probably more the exception.  There's always going to be some kind of mistrust--if you could cheat on your last spouse, you could cheat on me too.  There was someone on the boards in the past where she & her current DH did have affairs--they both ended up getting divorced but she was very smart.  She refused to marry him until he lived on his own & went to counseling (she had gone as well) because she wanted to make sure they could both be independent and also that they solved their individual problems before they got married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 11:31am

Thank for your opinion Ollie2008. I agree with all you have said. In regards to her an her spouse some what agree about both being at fault with the Affairs with the exception he did it first and appears to be repeated behavior on his part. Looking past the who it first...second and again. There must be major problems with them as a couple to cause such behavior. So while it may be possible get past the Affairs on both their parts. I do question what causes that type of behavior. There is more that could be told about how they interact which each other. Which from what picked up from listening to her there is funamental differences with both of them and how they each want to live their lives. Neither one can be happy when the other is doing what they want. The only way they seem to be able to find happiness in life is to live secret lives on each other. As I mentioned before there is very little common ground other than they have kids together and a precieved story book life.

I agree with how she needs to work on her own life. Which I have told her she needs to do. While she acts like a person who ahs it all together she has very low self esteem and confidence in herself. Think that is something she has had for a long time and her spouse exploits it with his treatment of her. The things she has told me he has said to her in the past are unreal and things I would not say to someone hated and definately not to someone I cared for.

I also agree with the working on myself. Which for the past year I have been. I let her drift off from me over a year ago. jus remained a freind. I have gone through some pretty tough times with my seperation and divorce as well as taking care of my son the best I can. Me and my life dreams were put on back burner while resolving current life issues. Which at the moment I am in the final stretch of the resolving many things that were negative and destructive in my past. Then out of no where this hits me.

I have my fears that I love her to much and that she does not feel the same. Even tho recently she has told me how she feels for me and that I am not something she ever expected would ever come into her life. Says she will never give me up...but is that true? I am realistic. Do people have Affairs find happy ever after with someone they had affairs with. Would say its a small amout for sure and not something that will happen in a short time...if it is real.

Thank you for your reply. While I know I will not get the answer i want now. It helps to get thoughts out of my head and hear opinins

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 12:04pm

Hi Musiclover12.  I would say many of your reasons are true. On the surface she has what maybe what most woman dream of. married to a succesful Dr.and the status that may bring in some peoples eyes. Money is not a issue. She does not have to work

The social stigma issue is in play now as the community she lives in knows all about the Affair. So not sure how that plays out. The kid thing is also a major concern for her as she loves them dearly, but again the cats out of the bag on that one as they know about it and Dad has lied to them about it...to their face and blaming them for not believing his story.

In reagrd to her and I.  I have thought same. I offer and give her a safe place and land vent her fustrations. I do many things for her that no others would do. But is that all she comes to me for. I use to wonder why we dont spend much time together yet talk alot on phone. Do I just fill the void that missing in her life? Maybe I am. But I know I feel when we are togher and I feel both of us put some limitations on our interation together when we are together,,,,,as it like a fire that been prepared to light. Once lit it will be out of control in many ways....and where does it lead.  Esp when both are married

I agree with you and Ollie that her and I need space from each other to sort our own lives out. While I want to be with her right now I dont want to build a new relationship with her will things are like they are and her not knowing what she wants. Just a tough thing to do and accept not having her in my life. Its weird how we met...got close and then drifted apart some but still there for each other and part of each others life.

I used to wonder how it would end of us. As things change and some things must come to a end. I use to wonder if I would get a call or email saying she was going to end our relationship or if we would drift apart or if something would happen to bring us together. I sought advice from a psychic a few times in the past ( yeah its that bad and I am nuts! lol ) While I am not competley sold on the concept of living your life by the words of psychis I will say that from  time to time I have sought type of consoul and each time they have been very accurate.

In regards to her. In the fall of the first year we met ( 3 years ago )I was questioning all of it and I had a few readings from two different people. Both where very simimlair with the over all theme being that we have a special connection but her changing her situation was unlikely. That she did not have the stength or will to do it on her own for reasons above. That her spouse had some sort of hold on her. The kicker from one saw her gettting a divorce as a possibilty and the othe felt it would happen in the distant future. Both said that it would be Him as the deciding factor. Either him leaving her or doing something unforgivable

As far as marriage goes...this may sound odd. I dont hold much stock in that word or union anymore. Marriage for me was not that great and from what I see in so many people its just a word or agreement that keeps some people together that should not be.

I want more than that. I want my best friend....my partner in life and my lover. From all I have been through its her and the thought of her not being my life is terrible but maybe a reality....one soon to become a reality in my life

That being said I am doing my best to let go and see if she comes back in the future

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 4:42pm

Did your AP inform her BS of her A with you? Now that she has had an A she is no better than her WS. I believe the term is that they are both madhatters. How much that she has told you about her M can actuallly be verified by you? As you know people in A lie. Do not be so trusting unless you can verify.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 8:09pm
No my AP did not tell all details of our Affair with her Spouse. He does know I exist but he does not consider me a threat to his relationship. Not sure what BS and WS mean so not sure I can commet properly..lol Would not say she is a man hatter but would say she has some self esteem issue. As far as validation on things. Yes I do have a fair amount of validation on how he treats her from various sources. I do not give her much sympathy in regards to how he treats her...I tell her if its that bad or not what you want...then get the heck out! Foolish to live with someone who resprects you. imo Yes I am aware that people lie in A's but also aware that some people are brutaly honest about things. As its those issues that drive them to a A. In my humble opinion Affairs happen for many reasons and to many types of people. While I do not advocate or encourage them. I do undertand why some people have them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 3:17pm

You are caught up in a fantasy, mate. You have written your own answer: She does not want you. You were used for revenge yet it did not turn out the way she wanted it to and now you are stuck in a one-sided fantasy of your own making.

Look at your own facts. You say you clicked over email and paint a pretty picture of your first meeting, but she dodged you after that. You feel euphoria and hear violins, but she loses interest.  You have sex that does not feel natural, then she feels guilty. She uses an excuse like losing her job to avoid you. She breaks off the sexual aspect of your relationship yet is happy for you to do chores for her. You are subsisting on phone calls and walks while she tries to save her marriage.

How do you not feel alone in this relationship? She is throwing you crumbs and you seem to think it is all building toward something special. Meanwhile she is in counceling with her husband.

You are alone in your obsession with this woman. She wants her husband, not you. She may like you as a person, and you must do wonders for her ego, but she has no intention of being with you romantically. That ship sailed 100 ships ago.

Drop the fantasy. She is telling you loud and clear that nothing will ever happen between you.

She does sound messed up but that is a prerequisite for cheating so that is no surprise. Keep in mind that you cannot believe a word she says about her spouse, though. Cheaters belittling the betrayed spouse is the oldest trick in the book and is rarely the truth. Convincing ones self that the spouse is less than they are makes it easier to rationalize cheating.

Get out and move on. Find someone who genuinely wants to be with you. Do not waste any more years on this dead end street.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2009
Fri, 03-22-2013 - 4:44am

I do tend to agree with all you wrote above. Just a difficult time and with all that went on over the years its hard to determine if is fantasy or reality. Hard to believe that a person could be so messed up and lie so much to another. While I do believe she has lied to me about some things I do believe she does it because she lives a twisted fantasy life....she has what should be a perfect life with her husband but in reality its not at all what it should be.

I have taken my hits emotionaly.  " How do you not feel alone in this relationship? "  you ask?   I do feel alone. I appreciate your open slap to the face reply. I have choosen to pull away. Not closing that door forever....but definatley walking out of the house so to speak.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sat, 03-23-2013 - 3:43pm

Good for you. You sound like a nice guy.  Walk away from this pointless relationship and go find a woman worthy of your affections. Be honorable about it - no more cheaters and no more cheating - and you have a better chance of finding lasting love that is returned to you.

I wish you luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sat, 03-23-2013 - 3:44pm

[Duplicate reply removed.]

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