what shoud I do?
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|Wed, 03-13-2013 - 8:39am|
Its been close to four years since I was on this site. Back then I was looking for answers and guidance on my situation that I never would have thought I would ever be in. Which was I was having a Affair. Here I am today at what I believe is a cross roads in my life. I would like to share some of my past and experience and hope that some may be able to shed some light on my situation or if anything give your opinion.
Not sure where to start. May be helpful if I briefly layout some of my past to give a picture of what I have experienced and abit of who I am.
First off. I am a man. 46 years old now. Grew up in a typical middle income traditional family of Mom, Dad, and a younger sister. No bad drama in my life. Grew up doing the right thing…for the most part…I am a guy after all. Lol But all in all a typical good guy. Which looking back has been kind of a curse as it does seem that some of the greatest women I have ever met have hooked up with some selfish men. But that’s a different topic..lol
I married when I was 33 to a woman who at the time I got along with. Had a few things in common that we enjoyed doing. We had fun doing things but we never really spent much time really getting to know each other. To busy doing things and being on the go. We had similar goals. She was older than me. Both did not have any kids. Both open to having a child. After a year of dating she took me out on a dinner date. She told me that she was pregnant..about 2 months along. She told me had been wanting a child so very much but never wanted to have child in her previous marriage ( of 12 years) with her ex.
She told me she would understand if I did not want to have anything to do with her or the child as it was her decision and that she decided to go off the pill and not tell me.
Long story short I married her a few months later and in the fall our child was born. All went well for about a year. Towards the end of the first year I noticed behavior in her that she did not show while we were dating. Over the next year I learned more of who and how she really was. Not really a bad person and I am not going the bash her.
After three years of marriage it was clear I was in marriage that was not remotely what I thought I would be in or wanted. I found myself alone with my 3 year old son sharing a home with woman who was more concened with her family ( not us ) and who was always gone out and about with her brothers partying. Spend the next few years trying to get her to see my side of things.
Six years ago after a summer of being alone and it being crystal clear that I did not have a partner and lover in my life. One night late summer I was on the computer looking for options. While I figured I would be in this marriage till at least my son grew up I began to
Think its not right I should live a life without any sexual contact. I am a Pisces so that kind of contact is difficult to live without and I had gone for many years without.
I found the AM site and joined it. After a month or so I made contact with someone. Met her for lunch but nothing happened. Discovered that while I wanted sex, that I was truly not the cheating kind. So months went by. In the spring of the following year I got back on the AM site out of boredom. Revised my profile. Next day I got a message for my future AP. Instantly from the first message we hit it off. We messaged like school kids for the next few months. Just amazing mental chemistry. We were able to talk about anything and both eagerly to the next message from the other.
In early summer we met. We had shared a pic of each other via emails but when we met it was like magic. I was in awe of her when she came to me…speechless, my heart skipping beats and a amazing feeling of happiness flowing from my soul.
We clicked in person just as we did in our emails. Went for a walk on the beach..,walking hand in hand. Talking like we had known each other for ever. Even kissed for the first time. After that meeting we did not see each other for a month which I though was odd. We talked on phone and emailed daily but she seemed to dodge meeting.
Should give a brief back ground of her. She married while still in college to a guy who is abit older than her. He is Doctor that is successful. He make a very large amount of money. They have a few kids which at the time we met the oldest was about 12. Her spouse is excessively controlling and keeps her on a tight leash so to speak. About the only things they have in common is that they are Father and Mother to the kids. While I am sure the have or had somethings incommon when they were married. About all they seemed to have then and now is a showcase marriage to friends and the public of a successful Doctor, Attractive wife and children living a perfect life. But listening to her over the summer and over the years that is not the reality of it.
We did begin to see each other about once a week. Going for walks and drives. We would fool around and kiss and some limited sexual type fun but no full on sex or intercourse. Most of our time we was spend talking and sharing. At the end of the summer we did have sex..which was good but I could sense in her holding back as it was not a free and natural compared to how we kissed and fooled around. At the time I felt is was just me. Seemed odd as I was not the type of man to cheat and my prior exp had proven that. But with AP I crossed the line no hesitation or regret.
Then fate dealt a cruel blow as the next day she was informed she was going to lose her job. Which her Spouse hated that she worked…and she worked all the time. Did not need to due to his income. Knew in my heart she worked a lot to be away from him. She took losing her job hard and also was having guilt issues over us having sex. She was offered another position with the company but she said she was not interested in the new job.
She told me she thought it was best that we parted ways. Which I did not agree with as I felt we had something special. That what we had was not just a Affair. She told me no and said she could not see me any more. I told her I don’t feel same but I respected her wishes. Seven hours later she texted me saying she felt like she just made the biggest mistake of her life.
Next few weeks we did not see each other but talked a lot about how sad she was about losing her job. She was getting not comfort from her spouse. She had poured her heart into the job and was good at it but due to corporate restructuring she got pushed out.
One fall day we met for a walk and I learned more about her marriage. I was lead to believe that she felt neglected and was treated as a possession. A trophy wife as they say. Which from all I had learned I would say was true. But there was more. The true reason she got on the AM site was that a 8 months previous she caught her spouse having a Affair. Which when confronted he denied and actually hit her for finding out and confronting him. She had gotten on the site to get even and had not plans of meeting someone who may care for her.
Throughout this time I was having stronger feelings for her that grew daily. I was having a difficult time trying to comprehend what was happening and how I was feeling. It was during this time I got on this site for some type of answers and advice. Which looking back the one I should have followed was the end the Affair as they rarely turn out good. But ending it was not a option for me and while if I had I would not be in the situation I am in now. I would have missed know the most wonderful woman I have ever known and having the greatest feelings of Love that I can ever imagine. Although with great feelings of love also came some very tough sad times.
Over the next year we talked a lot on the phone and from time to time saw each other. But things were different. We did not have much naughty talk like we had at times in the past. But we grew to know each other more. We both wanted to see each other but when we did there was this invisible wall that prevented us from getting close. But we continued to be close. There would be times I did not hear from her for weeks at a time.
The following year I would see her. I would help her out at a animal sanctuary she has. Which her spouse hates but he lets her have it and funds it for her as it keeps her happy and in check.. obligated to him as she has a great love for animals…as do I. He would go off on vacation and she would stay home most of the time. It was then we could spend time together. But just as friends……but unknowing to both of us was really bringing us closer and building a solid foundation of friendship and love.
After that summer things were in limbo with us. Without a change in her life there was not way for us to go much further. So over past two years we stayed in contact by phone and once in awhile seeing each other briefly at the sanctuary. As at times when things would fall in disrepair I would go over and fix things. Was a way we shared with each other was our love of the animals. I often I would wonder how things there seem to deteriorate when one would think if her spouse did care for her and her interests he would have things fixed or improved for her. At least that’s how I was raised. My father always supported my mother in her endeavors and interests…even at the expense of his own.
Even though I continued to have strong feelings for her I kept them to myself. From time time she show would tell me of a event or act of how her spouse acted or mistreated her. Neglecting her. Not allowing her to do things other than take care of the kid all the while he was free to do his interests. One being part of a amatuer acting and play group. Bcause his job was “so stressfull and tiring he needed a release” which when I would here about things he was never home. Leaving in the morning to his office and not coming home till 11 at night and being gone on the weekends. Which in the back my mind set off red flags of what really was going on. About six months ago she commented on how he was working out a lot and was getting in very good shape. Which she wondered what that was about. In my mind I thought “ he is fucking around on you” but I kept my mouth shut. I had decided awhile back to let go and pull back some…not to get to involved as all it ever did was hurt me as she was intent to stay married for the kids and that she “ loved him”…that and I am sure the money his profession provided also helped. She also said how the play group he was involved with was not having another play starting for a few weeks and that he was having to come home earlier….that he was always depressed and drinking. Which again I thought to myself “ course he is cause he does not have a reason to be gone”
About 4 months ago she started talking to me more about things. She had to go in for a surgery on her arm and shoulder which was going to leave her in upper body cast for a month after the surgery and then take months or rehab. She was scared and upset about the surgery and also her not being able to take care her kids, animals and herself for that matter. He spouse told her that he would not help her with the animals. She asked him to take some time off to help her recuperate. Which he said if she like he would admitted to a in care department of the hospital for the eldery for a month. She would be in the hospital to re coop and when he was at the hospital he would visit her. Which she did not want to be in the hospital….she wanted to be home.
The all was upsetting for her. She was stressing over the animal sanctuary which she found some people to feed the animals but she was scared they would not do it properly. Esp in the winter months coming. I told her not to worry I would keep and eye on things and whatever happened I would take care of it. Which I have done all winter long.
Her spouse knows I exist. He know we are friends and he knows I have feelings for her. Does not know all of our past. Needless to say he does not like me or want her around me.
She had her surgery . A family member came to take care of her for a few weeks. Give her the pain killers and take care of the kids and her. Her spouse did not take anytime off work and two days after her coming home he was off doing what he wanted.
A week later the family member had to go back home to take care of their own family and go to work. A few days later it happened. Her spouse left her and she discovered he was having a Affair with a 25 year old woman. That this had been going on for some time ( probably longer than she knows ) as he even had a condo rented where him and the OW would meet and spend time.
Needless to say this has brought some major discussions and fights between them. He admitted to it then two days later denied it. The went to a marriage consouler. He told the consouler and her that he had broken off contact with the OW and that it was nothing and meant nothing. The truth was he had not and was still seeing her and they spent Valentines Day together. As my AP found recipts for the gifts he bought the other woman.
My AP has sought legal console. She has not file as of yet. Not sure she will. She has been very messed up. The past month her and I have had some major deep discussions about many things. In some ways it has brought us closer together but I am unsure of the outcome of things. Which is messing me up as all my suppressed feelings are come to the surface.
Last week we spent the afternoon together. Just a simple meeting. Lunch and a movie. Which I was so very happy to be with her. Words cant describe how happy I was. We had a great time talking and laughing. Just being happy
I have not heard from her except for a text message last Friday saying she was not doing good…they went to a couple consoler meeting. I am not sure what was said but she said she was devastated by what was said. I know in the past her spouse be littles her and degrades her. Odd how he says he wants to stay married to her and he loves her…but then also says she is worthless and no man would want her if they divorced. Which is not true.
I could write a lot more and know I have not included everything but this has turned out to be quite long. I would appreciate some insight. Esp on how woman think in situations like this.
How can she stay married to a man who lies to her….degrades her…insults her….show no remorse or guilt for his actions…. blames her for his actions…does not support, nuture and encourage her? Is the money worth it? She cant say she is staying for this kids…as they know. They found out at school when classmates told them. Rumors were spreading. His comment to his young son was “ it part of his job…all the Doctors have Affairs” The kids are telling her to divorce him! When the consoler asked them to write down 10 things they love about each other…he wrote he loved her because she was the most beautiful woman in the county…she did a good job taking care of the kids…..was a good cook and good in bed.
I am at a loss of what to do or say. I love her more than life itself. I was so happy last week but am having a difficult functioning at my work. While I don’t make as much as he does. I do make a good living and provide for her. We have a connection that both of us knows exists. We are different in some ways but alike in other. We have a understanding of each other that I have never had with anyone else. I know deep inside that whatever is happening with her and her spouse will have a impact on us. As if she takes him back it will be the end of us. While I was able to suppress my feelings in the past I am not going to be able to do it again. No way I could talk to her and be there for her when she stays with him after this.
Will she stay with him as the intial shock and pain of his acts wears off. This is not the first time he has cheated on her. Appears to be at least 2 times in the past 4 years. Sound like there may have been other times in the past as well. Also she told me he did tell her he has feelings for this one. She read copies of some emails he sent the OW which where very telling ( OW husband made copies of the emails her found and gave them to AP )
What do I do? What do you think she will do? Also for the record. When I met her I was married. When her and I started to distance from each other a few years ago. I took some to look at myself and reflect on who I am and what my life is. Last summer my wife and I separated for the summer. There are many issues and some involve our son. As he has issues with her not being there for him when he was young and now that he is older he does not want much to do with her. There relationship was very bad last year. It has gotten some what better but is still damaged. We are getting a divorce. I only mentioned it once to AP last summer. I did not decide to separate or divorce for her. At the time I never thought she would ever get a divorce. Now that seem like a possibility. Which has me all turned around. My wish in life is to be with her but I have fears of losing her.Which would be devastating to me…..as she is the ONE. Any thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated. I am not a man to run a round a tell stories or talk about my feelings and trouble freely. BUT she is the most important person in my life. She is part of me and without her I don’t live…I merely exist. I am knocked off balance not knowing what to do and what the future may be