When neither one kids will accept the opposite AP (now SP)?

Avatar for sweettartnacho
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
When neither one kids will accept the opposite AP (now SP)?
16
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 2:53pm

Just trying to wrap my brain around this:   

What happens to a couple whose kids (now that they're married) accept neither opposite affair partner (now stepparent)?

If it matters - She has sons - college aged +          

He has daughters - high school aged.

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Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

What happens when adult and almost adult children do not like their step-parents?  Nothing.  They don't HAVE to like them.  They just need to be polite.  Can't be polite?  Too bad; I'll meet you out.  Sometime.  Did you honestly think they would choose their kids over their spouse?  Not happening. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Did your ex actually get married already?  Wow!  Well I would think that it would be very difficult for them if their kids won't accept the new spouse--I suppose it means that they won't be having nice family holiday parties.  But they obviously chose to do what they wanted to do, knowing that the kids wouldn't like it.  Just curious--since your kids are under 18, don't they have to visit him anyway?  I mean her older kids can just do what they want.  

I had a coworker once who apparently didn't like her SM or just didn't like the fact that her father got remarried--it wasn't an affair, her mother had died.  She always referred to the woman as "my father's wife" so you could tell things weren't too cozy between them.  The coworker was an adult in her 20's.  But the thing was that she did like her father so she couldn't cut the woman out of her life completely.  I guess she just put up with her when she had to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Reading the other replies........I think I'm seeing something different than they are.  This isn't children from the first marriages not accepting the new step parent........this is grown or almost grown children not accepting the new step parent that broke up their parents marriages......that's what I'm reading.  If that's the case, I would expect nothing more than the children not cozying up to the person(s) that destroyed their home lives.;  His kids don't like you.......you broke up their family, and your kids don't like him because he broke up their family.  If they were 2 or 3 years old, they wouldn't know what happened, but these are late teen & young adult kids who probably are aware of what preceded your marriage, and can't accept what happened to their homes, and the person(s) who caused it.  Why would you expect more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

She's not the cheater--she's the BS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

BS?  Have no idea what that is.....but she said "affair partner (now married)"  They had an affair, their marriages ended, and now they're married, and step-parents to each other's children.  And she expects to be one big happy family?  These kids are practically adults, they know what happened, and they're not happy. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

Fissatore, she is the Betrayed Spouse. She found out that her H was having an affair a couple of years ago, they divorced, and he has stayed with the OW (I guess married her now) and they live in the family home where the OP used to live when married. I'm surprised that you don't remember her story because she has posted about it a lot on these boards.

Sweet, what do you mean what happens to the couple? They deal with it. They must have seen that the kids weren't warming up to the new partner, but they decided to move forward so they've made a choice to put the relationship first. Maybe they think the kids just need more time to accept it. Her kids don't have to come over to visit if they don't like your ex because they are adults. Your girls probably do have to go over there, depends on what the custody or visitation agreement says. Like someone else said, these kids are all old enough to realize that their new stepparent was a big reason that their parents broke up so if they hold a grudge its understandable. Or maybe they won't hold a grudge and will come to like and love the stepparent someday.

You need to tell your girls to be polite to her---or else YOU get blamed for not raising them right. Does their dad expect that they will accept his new wife with open arms? When did he marry her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Thanks for the explanation......I wasn't around for more than a year, and this must have started during that time.  I still say that the kids on both sides are old enough to know what was going on, what happened and they're resentful over the new marriage.  The boys and the girls both have one parent that was dumped, and is probably broken hearted.  They're being loyal to that parent, good for them.  BUT, that parent also has to tell them that no matter what, they should respect the step parent, just because they ARE the step parent.  That doesn't mean they have to fall all over them, but they need to be polite and respectful.  As they get older, they might start to accept it (if it lasts) but even if they don't......it's something that they can't change, so if they want contact with their blood parent, they have to accept the spouse, too.  They'll learn that you get a lot further in life if you learn to accept the inevitable rather than fight it, which just creates MORE problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009

I am seconding Fissatore's comment. It is ludicrous to expect children of a cheating parent to accept the cheating accomplice in to their lives. Even after the marriage fails and the cheating accomplice is no longer a part of the scene, I doubt they will ever regain the trust or respect they once had for that parent.

This is probably a moot point, however, because I doubt the cheating parents are concerned about their children's feelings on the matter. They did not mind breaking their children's hearts so why would they care how they feel now? Sabrtooth perfectly reflected that lack of parental love, above. The children were of no concern and will remain of no concern.

You will have to be your children's sole parent now. They will need your stability and to be shown that not everyone they love will deceive them. I hope they have good male role models in their lives.

The good news is that you get them for every holiday for now on. Enjoy them as the gift they are.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997

I am going to tell a different story entirely:

My sister left her H when her kids were toddlers in part because he was having an affair with one of their coworkers but mostly because her older son was starting to mimic his father's abusive behavior toward her.  She went on to find romance with a different coworker after they were separated.  She and her H divorced, her ex married his AP, and she married her new BF.

She determined right off the bat that she would NOT badmouth her ex, especially around her kids, because it is important for them to have a good relationship with their father.  Her coworker - who was also her ex's boss - did the same.  In every way she took the high road, EVEN AROUND HER EX'S NEW WIFE.  She moved into a house a few blocks away to make it easier for the kids.  She and her ex were very polite and cooperative about shared custody.

Her kids grew up with fantastic relationships with both their parents AND both stepparents AND their younger half-sister from their father's next marriage.  My sister and her ex's wife became friendlier over the years, and in fact when the wife developed cancer, my sister was there for her.  Ultimately they became dear friends, even more so after my sister's ex passed away.

So you see it is NOT a given that everyone should harbor anger for ill treatment, that all cheaters are terrible parents, and that all such marriages are doomed to failure.  If you only look at the worst of human nature, you can feel pretty miserable, but if you look at the best it can be, you can see that being honorable and charitable (but not a doormat) lead to a much better life for everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

I know some people with a story similar to Mahopac's. The dad had an affair with a younger coworker when the kids were college age. Parents divorced and dad married OW. The mom met someone new and remarried. (I don't think that either OW or mom's new husband had kids already) Then both parents had a baby with new spouse--their little kids are just slightly older than their oldest grandchildren--so the adult kids also got 2 half-siblings in this deal.  The adult kids were able to accept their new step parents and get along with them very well. Both parents and stepparents get along, I don't think they're good friends but get along well enough that some family parties are for the entire blended group. So its possible to like a step parent even if he or she came into the picture through an affair. Its also possible that kids will not like a stepparent due to personality issues and have nothing to do with how they got with their parent.

If the kids resent the stepparent because his or her presence hurt their betrayed parent, they may stop feeling resentment or disloyalty when the betrayed parent has completely moved on emotionally or found happiness in a new relationship. So the way the kids feel today is not necessarily the way they will feel next month or next year or sometime in the future.

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