You've forgiven him for cheating. Now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
You've forgiven him for cheating. Now what?
5
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 10:48pm

I've forgiven my bf for cheating on me and we're working on our relationship. The trust is slowly coming back, our relationship is stronger, but every now and then, it creeps into my head what he's done. Sometimes I want to bring it up, but I'm afraid that just bringing it up will make him think of that other girl again. Should I never bring it up again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
He understands how i feel, he accepts it. I would say one thing that is great about this is that we are even more open with each other, and i never take any moment with him for granted. I've been advised not to bring it up anymore and to be general with it. To let him know that the trust will take more time, that the hurt will take more time to heal. I just feel it's my insecurities that make me want to ask about the other girl. After he admitted and i went through my whole "why" list about this girl, i really couldn't understand besides the point the girl was the polar opposite of me. I think that's what i don't get...i was imagining this totally gorgeous girl, but she wasn't. She looked terrible! He even admitted it, but we were going through a rough time and she was available...sigh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007

He is truly sorry about it. I want to say it was around March last year when he admitted it to me. We both cried about it and he hated that he did what he done. His father is a cheater and he said he didn't want to be that kind of man. Sometimes he will just kiss me and say how sorry he is. he's happy I decided to give him another chance.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012

How in depth of a talk did you have with him when you both agreed to give your relationship another chance?  Did he feel that talk should have covered all the bases, therefore rendering the subject, in his eyes, moot for the foreseeable future?

I'm in the process of renegotiating with my ex about our relationship and while I"m not totally convinced yet about things, I must say that I tend to avoid the subject of his paramour, but there are times when my vitriol bursts forth and he allows my blasts without turning on me.  In fact, there are times when I even think to myself that I'm being a little too much with it, but he's been taking it like a champ and says I have every right to those feelings--that he deserves it.  He knows what my bottom line is, so when he's met my criteria is when I will feel that I've negotiated in full for what I want and deserve from him.

Does your guy allow you your very valid feelings behind his betrayal without turning on you about it or feeling as if because he's settled it in his mind and he's with you that you should be over it and move on? That might be one of the triggers to your anger--that you're not done being witnessed by him.

Have you done any work with a therapist about how to navigate that minefield without losing a limb?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Depends. How long ago did this happen? Is he truly sorry and remorseful for hurting you? His attitude towards this will often determine how long it takes to get over it.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  The first thing is to put the relationship first.    Once that is done things will fall into place. 

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