How AP compares to spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
How AP compares to spouse
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 12:27pm
I have read many articles that describe AP as many times being very different from spouse in terms of looks and temperment. I am a BS. My husbands affair partner is literally my opposite. She was quiet, has very flat affect, she is petite, plain. I am more outgoing, wear make up, I am also thin. I do not invite attention or dress provocatively. I have asked my spouse what the attraction to her was. Physically and mentally. He has a very difficult time describing it. Is this just bs? Or for all of you that have had an affair, was your affair partner more beautiful/handsome than your spouse? Was your AP better? More attractive? Please share your thoughts on this. I look forward to any/all answers.....


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 2:04pm

Still, I don't know you that well and I apologize in advance for any offense this might cause, but it seems to me from your other posts and this one that you are putting way too much focus on the OW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 2:08pm

((HUGS)) still.standing....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2011
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 2:10pm

Hi still

The first day of the rest of my life: 25/10/2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 08-15-2011 - 2:49pm
Thank you ladies. I want you to know that I focus on literally everything, every aspect. I focus on the OW, but I mostly focus on H. I blame him for his affair. I blame both of us for marriage difficulties. I ask him about it constantly. I try to make sense out of it and I think it is just impossible. Asking these questions I have asked and hearing candid responses that I may not like but have to accept, has been good for me. Thank you again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Tue, 08-16-2011 - 7:25am

still.standing, as the WS I would say to you, what are the qualities you have that she doesn't. For starters I would say integrity, loyalty, and strength. And when I think of xaps fiance, I imagine she too would have these qualities, that I sadly lacked during the A. When I compare my xap and my H, those are the things I see in my H that xap did not have. My H is more attractive and has a special quality about him that others are drawn to.

If I had met my xap in any other stage of my life (I was not in a healthy place emotionally when xap contacted me - he was an old friend), I seriously would not have found him in any shape or form attractive. I am not saying he was all bad, there are quite a few qualities that he had that I liked but I would have appreciated them more in a friendship then I did in our A.

My H felt like you but he has come to the conclusion that there are some things he just isn't going to know the answer to(as sometimes I don't even know the answers to some of his questions) and he is learning to let it go.

Goodluck as you continue to sort through your marriage and find ways to move on.

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Thu, 08-18-2011 - 9:45am

I TOTALLY AGREE with readytomove on. I have never been an OW and quite honestly I don't understand that role and how one can settle for that (no offense). I cheated on my XH with a single guy and some ppl can't ever understand that so no judgement on the OW, just I am too selfish to share. Anyway, I was a BS in my first M and I could not imagine what the OW had and was giving him that I didn't have or give him. When I saw the OW, someone could have knocked me down with a feather. I stared at her four hours thinking WTF, you risked our M for this. My xh told me that the OW was basically willing to do anything for him at anytime and would accept anything from him good or bad. He even begged me not to leave him and when I told him to go to the OW he told me there was no way he would want to be with a wh*re who would sleep with a MM and not care; he said she was good in the dark but he wouldn't want to take someone like her home to mama. My xh was a jerk who treated women with no respect. It was never about the OW. Sometimes it's not even a matter of something missing. Sometimes something is missing within the cheater because using cheating as a coping mechanism for a bad M is cowardly. I know because I did it and I look back at what a coward I was. I didn't have strength to end my M without a soft place to land and had an exit A.

It's normal to obsess about the OW and it is your H's responsibility to give you as much information about her that you need to heal. I don't agree with the she's not at fault theory. If she knew she was sleeping with a MM, you have the right to know who she is. After all, you guys were sharing body fluids. The important thing however, if you stay with your H, he needs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Thu, 08-18-2011 - 10:41pm

Still Standing - what did my xAP see in me? I was there, I was available, I was broken enough inside that I would engage in an A with him, I said everything he wanted to hear, I never required him to discuss anything difficult or meaningful

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fri, 08-19-2011 - 3:41am
Myrasfriend, Kat- I wish I had dollar for every time i said WTF over the past 3 months! I say that when I'm in my fog of pure disbelief. I do assign blame to H xAP. She was a friend. She has also been my sister's CPA for sis business. She knew me, she knew who she was sleeping with. She broke her vows and didn't respect mine. Most of the blame does fall on my husband. He reports to being filled with regret, embarrassment and remorse. Poor guy is on an agility track from hell! He did get checked for STD's. He is going to IC and we are going o MC. It is tough road. Kat you are right that my husband walked on grass over septic tank in someone else's yard. He found out the grass wasnt greener and he also got caught by husband! My own code of contact that I live by is very rigid. I will never do anything at the expense of another person. My mom always told me that we never know when will we need a friend and so i was to live my life in such a Way that I can hold my head high and look people in the eyes. Always! I respect marriage. Being married is very very hard. I have much to be grateful for and I'm sure you both do too. Kat- don't waste too much time on this. Your life is passing in front of you and you aren't in it right now! thank you both for answering my very humiliating and foolish question. When I am very sad, I have the "I'm not enough" attitude and I cannot believe how much my husband risked for so little. Anyway, your posts helped me tremendously. They really did. My husband says many things that you both posted. As I have little trust in him at present, your responses just collaborate with what he has said! I need every assurance I can get. Aside from both sets of parents, we have successfully kept his affair and all our woes secret. I do not talk to my parents about any of it. None of my friends or colleagues know. Just you bloggers who have taken time to read my little story that I know could be 10x worse, and help me through it. For that I am eternally grateful.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-19-2011 - 8:01pm
I will chime in as the single OW who is still with xMM, now SO, for over 5 years. His D was final almost 3 years ago.

Actually, me and xW do have alot in common. Similar passive-agressive temperments, and although we don't really "look alike," we don't look "unalike," either. When we run into people from my SO's past, I get the feeling sometimes they are unsure if I am someone new, or if they just haven't seen W in so many years that maybe I am her. No one has said it, but I just get that vibe sometimes.

What I will say is if I had to pick one thing that makes my R with SO different than xW R with SO, is communication. Me and SO also have the same belief system, and they do not.

So even though I even find myself occasionally defending his xW indirectly when he is frustrated with her, him and I seem to be able to work through things that him and xW just swept under the rug.

Gotta' run. Thanks for letting me chime in a little late on this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2012
Sat, 01-14-2012 - 2:51pm
My AP wife is a model so it's safe to say she is more attractive than me and I knows he would agree though in his master bs he thinks I am "sexy" whatever.
The fact is the A isn't about you, what you look like or how you act. It's about him, his ego and his ability to find soneone as empty as he is to agree to trying to fill their void with an A which is the worst idea ever. I am M, live my H and find him much more attractive than my XAP. He's a better man, a better person and a better lover. Why did I do it? Because I have some serious problems with myself, even though I never knew it at the time, and I would kill myself before letting my H find out and have that image haunt him.

I am.certain your H loves you. If he didn't he wouldn't need to sneak around in fear that you would find out. Please try and believe it's not you. You did nothing wrong and don't deserve this. You married someone who's ego is either wounded or too big for his own good. I hope I am not sounding too harsh, just trying to help. I never thought in a million years I would do what I did to another woman and if age ever found out and wondered where her blame was that would kill me. She is nearly perfect. It's him who is not.
"No one can make you feel lnferior with out your consent" ~Eleanor Roosevelt