Question for AP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Question for AP
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 5:04pm

I am a MW in an affair for a little over a year with a MM.  At first the A was supposed to be NSA "fun."  I set the limits of no emotions etc., so it didn't get complicated.  He always said at first it had nothing to do with love when I would say "why would you want to do this, don't you love your W."  So fastforward a year later and we still haven't discussed our feelings with each other.  Me-we'll I've gotten to where I care very deeply/love the AP. 

My question is after a year can it still be just sex?  We are human beings aren't we going to feel some type of emotional response to the other person?  Did you start off your A as this and ended up falling? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 8:04pm

Years ago I had an affair with a MM.  I was single. 

There are some "rules" in an affair.  One is never ask about the wife.  Whatever he tells you are mostly lies anyway.  The second one is if you set the boundaries (sex only, no love), you must stay within those boundaries or someone will get emotionally hurt.  The third one is don't try to second guess/analyze him.  Take him at face value.  And yes, men (and some women) can have sex with another person for years and not become emotionally attached.

If you can do all that, you could minimize getting hurt or making the affair turn messy.  Even so, there is always the possibility of D day.

Affairs can be fun, but they are not for the faint hearted.  I ended it after two years; not because I was falling in love, but because he started to show an interest in some "high-risk" behaviors, such as wanting to go to "adult life-style motels".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 9:09am

csmithrn28, you know what probably happened. Your guy's sig other probably sinced that he was pulling away from her and she reeled him back in by giving him what he needed. It happens all the time. Women since when men check out and when they know they are "satisfying" their guy and he checks out, the pull out all the stops to bring him back into the relationship. Believe me, it has absolutely nothing to do with the kids. He wants to stay with her. Do you even know that he isn't M to her? You really don't. You really can't believe a word he says. They could be M for all you know. He isn't telling you the total truth. His world is vastly different from what he tells you. He knows he can keep you in a neat little box and feed you lies and just enough s*x and smooth words to keep his ego getting stroked. I hope that the biggest lesson in this is tha you find a way to know that you are beautiful, sexy and have it going on without having to hear it from a man. Usually when someone is pouring on the syrup, going over the top with flaterry it's usually because they are telling you what you want to hear. A man who is really into you won't be so over the top with compliments. I will bet the farm that the guy has done this to several women and he knows how to pick a woman who is vulnerable and needs to hear his lies. I pray that you find peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 9:25pm

My A started out as pure sex.  We met thru AM website nearly 3 years ago.  I started having emotional feelings towards him awhile ago but I would never say anything.

This past year I could sense that he was falling in love with me too.  Finally.. just recently he declared his love for me and I could FINALLY tell him I felt the same way.  I kept quiet for a long time though.. would never say anything until he did first.